I would just suggest to think and see the trigger that’s affecting you. Recognizing something even a path of thought is the first step in this fight. I say fight because this is an internal battle of self will, you have the patience and ability to think this thought through to it’s already forgone conclusion. Recognizing habits, patterns within ourselves allows us to see these things as a good or bad acccent on who we are. I say this and say yes these are things within me that I have seen and do battle with on a near daily basis. But only battling the thoughts and there corresponding behaviors that prove to be a barricade and block on the path to being happy with ourselves. Once happy with ourselves it’s so much easier to extend that happiness to others and help them see their own happiness. Easy to put it into words but the moments of time that we choose to be proactive in self healing can become the habits to replace those negative habits with positive action.

I don't understand this reaction, either, but these days I am calling ^it^, "Social Anxiety" and treating ^it^ like a psychosis which is gonna do what it's gonna do, whether I understand ^it^ or knot. Do the right thing? I'll be jigged if there is a right or wrong to this one in my own senses. It feels like picking poisons to me. Do I go for the side effects of long-term isolation or the awkward guesswork of social interaction? ? ? Any other options available?

Sigh. . . Doing okay, in spite of it. I think. Might be treating DeNial like a river in North Africa again. . .

Even with meds and talk therapy, I get very anxious before any social occasion, even just seeing one person. Even if I "enjoy" myself, I am glad when it's over. At the same time, I have abandonment issues, so it doesn't make much sense. I want to keep in touch with certain people, but I don't want to have to see them. Go figure. God bless.

The positive thoughts come from listening to music and playing solitaire. Also asking my higher power for help. None of that works all of the time but even just once in awhile is better than never. The right thing for me is to follow through with the commitment. I'm still working on me and what a chore that can be. Who likes to be constantly looking at their self. For me the paradox of it all puts me into self and that's not good. I've been told to be of service to God and man. I believe I need to learn so much more. That's why after 32 years of sobriety I still go to meetings, have a sponsor and stay involved at the group level .

Boy do I understand that "frozen" feeling. I've been with my grandparents this week (whom I love and feel completely comfortable with) and out of the blue, I just froze. It feels like I'm trapped in my body and I need to get out. It's usually from a flashback from which I have either two reactions; shaking and crying; or going totally silent and robot like. It's awful.

It makes going to social gatherings very challenging. Having severe social phobia makes it even worse. But I'm trying to do oposite reaction (if I want to stay in bed all day, I force myself to get up) so if I don't want to be around anyone, I reach out to people I trust who understands what's going on. It's difficult, but it works. It helps me feel better about myself, knowing I did something difficult and faced my fears.

Mack, I know how you feel. I had a "frozen" PTSD episode this morning.

I came all the way to DC for my solo Thanksgiving last night. Yet this morning I had a "spasm" of loneliness that triggered my PTSD and all the reasons symptoms have led to isolation. That PTSD "spasm" led to defeatist self-talk with which I'm very familiar. All day yesterday Thanksgiving the only person I spoke to offline was a guy who was waiting for his pizza like me at the pizzeria (no turkey, just pizza alone in my hotel room last night).

But it turned into a meaningful conversation because they guy was having pizza instead of a Thanksgiving dinner because he came down from New York to put his elderly mom into a nursing home.

Since I teach Death and Dying classes to nursing students, it's what I talk about every day with my students who are training to be hospice and nursing home nurses themselves. So I got to give this guy and encouraging word, which maybe is what Fate intended. If I'd been at a Thanksgiving table with a lot of friends and family maybe that wouldn't have happened.

Still, this morning my defeatist depression PTSD side told me I'd go all day visiting the sights in DC without having anyone speak to me, so why bother? A "spasm" of PTSD fight or flight hit me, saying "flight--drive back home. You don't have to do this solo holiday thing. Go home and hide in your apartment on your couch."

But I treated it like a "spasm," like a muscle spasm, a cramp in my leg when before my cane I used to job a couple of miles every day. It hurts more than it's permanent damage; it'll go away.

Sure enough, right then there was a knock on the door and it was housekeeping, a lady from El Salvador. She was surprised I welcomed her in my Spanish from growing up in Uruguay. While she cleaned my room she asked about me and I told her a bit about myself. Then she told me about her memories of Archbishop Romero, the Salvadoran martyr for peace who is the Latin American Martin Luther King, Jr. She shared about having gotten married the year he was assassinated.

When she was done, I tipped her, and she said "God bless you," as more than a reflex. She really meant it, and I felt blessed enough not to follow my PTSD "flight" response and run back home and hide because I'm estranged from my family for my PTSD safety and celebrate holidays alone. Instead, I got going, and took the hotel shuttle to the Metro. Along the way the shuttle driver talked to me, too, telling me about his home town, Hong Kong. Then I took the Metro, and now I'm writing this from the Smithsonian Museum on the DC Mall. It's official: I am not a couch potato hiding at home because of my PTSD. I am a tourist out and about town! YAY!

I gave that guy some comfort at the pizzeria last night to keep him going to encourage him a little about his spending his holiday alone getting nursing home assistance for his mom. Then I got that Salvadoran housekeeper's blessing this morning to encourage me a little about spending my holiday being a tourist instead of hiding in PTSD "flight" and "freeze" mode on my couch even when I'm triggered. In a universe where I've seen unfairness in how I got PTSD as an abused kid, it's nice when unexpectedly the universe decided to give the gift of a day where blessings given and blessings received even things out. That's a reason for giving thanks for me, going solo as I am.

I hope you get a gift like that, too, somehow, I don't know how. In the meantime, please receive my daily support for today from the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.

I am lucky I was able to talk to a new guy at an AA meeting today. Just the simple act of listening to this newcomer helped a great deal. I also was able to give him the book alcoholics anonymous. Hopefully he will read it.

Part of my ptsd causes me to freeze when the phone rings, or when I have to make calls of my own. Makes it difficult to keep friends when they don't have a way to talk to you. Other things also cause me to hit the old flight or fight choice, such as loud voices, especially yelling. All I know is that you just have to keep trying. There is nothing I can do about the causes of my ptsd, that was out of my control. Keep the faith and I will be thinking of you.