I am not trying to be offensive---but are you sure he lived that close while you were young? I have family on my mom's side only 60 minutes from where I grew up---but they only moved there in the last ten years. (Long after I'd left the area.) So I guess the first thing I'd do in your place (and have done for other reasons) is make sure he really did live there all that time---

Then, if he has? Scream it out and let it go, okay? Because the thing about this is, my mom's bro was *right next door on the same farm* and didn't stop anything that happened in our house---because he didn't know. If he had, he would've stopped it. He didn't. We saw each other frequently But the code of silence for us was strong enough that even now, at 44, I do not break it. Even to him. And I know for a fact he cares enough to have tears in his eyes when he found out the least of it.

We wish they'd know. I wish Mom had known. Or my uncle. Or anyone. But they didn't. And I've been working on letting go of the "WTH?!" on that. It's hard. Lotta screaming and crying and letting it go---till it comes back around. It's typical for this process. Really sucks, but it's typical.

Gentle support. Wish I had a magic wand to provide clarity nd peace for you. Just hang in there, okay? Let yourself be confused. You don't have to have answers yet. My biggest mistakes have been asking questions before I was sure which answers I was ready to hear---and so I heard thigns I wasn't ready for. Take it slow.

Purrs,
Leo

For years I had tricked myself into believing my father didn't know anything about what was going on. My father is in end stage Parkinson's and has been for years. Shortly after my son was born my father felt a compelling need to apologize to me for things he did directly but more importantly he felt a need to apologize for things he knew about and didn't intervene. Oh boy did he. And crash went the illusion that he was working so hard and away from home most of the day that I thought he didn't know anything.

My point is that you don't know enough to say it was all a lie and he could have walked to see you. It is possible he only recently moved there as Leo said. It is possible he didn't know where you were. It is possible that there was some type if no contact order in place. You just don't know. I'm not trying to be mean but you have kinda made a negative presumption without all the facts. Take a deep breath and try to think of reasons he might not have known where you were or was forced to stay away. That will hopefully balance out the pain of thinking he was such a short distance away and didn't make the walk.

Before I forget one of my best friends knew he had a son but shortly after he was born the mother left the area we live in without any warning. She and his son had vanished overnight. He tried to locate them for a few years but eventually he learned she just moved away and was hiding from everyone she had known. In 2006 his son turned 18 and tracked down my friend. His mother had told him all sorts of stories she had made up about my friend so his son was confused and hurt by stuff he thought was true because he only knew the mother's stories. We live in Maryland and the mother had gone to Alaska to prevent anyone from finding her. I know the distance is no comparison but my friend wanted to be a father and the mother prevented it from happening for 18 years.

I'm so sorry what a lot to process. One part of healing from abuse was to grieve over the people that should have protected me, kept me safe and be there for me....mainly my parents. I can't change who they are or the decisions they have made. Probably nothing they could do or say will take away what's been done. I can choose what I do moving forward and what the relationship will look like. How much or little I let them in. Some people are just toxic and will only continue on such a path. I think before I did anything I would work with a counselor and then maybe start with a letter letting your dad know that although you don't have many answers to why he hasn't been in your life you'd like to give him the opportunity now and that you'd like to know your other sibblings. Setting some parameters around what that will look like. Maybe he's just a dusch bag maybe there were other reasons. More than likely this has been something he has carried. It could be something to bring in something beautiful and healing or it could bring more hurt so I would get help first yourself so your prepared either way. What happened was not fair it was not your fault, you deserved much better all of us did. But it won't be the end of our story.

Blessings.

It sounds like this is bringing up a lot of unresolved emotions from childhood trauma as well as the abandonment. Dad's are supposed to be the protectors. But too often its simply not the case. Whatever his reason for not being there, the pain still remains. I hope you have supportive people in your life now who can treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Take care of you.

I was speaking to a friend from DS PTSD today about what great liars some of our relatives can be. Before getting to the point of resentment and anger about it, when I found out the facts concerning my family tree it was just astonishing at first that my relatives actually thought they could pull off their cover stories. I guess they must not put that much actual thought into it, they must be blinded by some desperation or something. It really is shocking. So sorry you're going through this. Please know you're not alone in this.

Um...you were told he left when you were 2 weeks old.
...by someone's who is abusive, and may not be telling anything resembling the truth.
Know what I mean? Don't assume anything.
I know that's hard, but you probably have not had the entire truth.

Were I you, I would want to look up the following:
-his name plus convictions
-Marriage announcement, might have been uploaded.
-birth of children announcement
-I'm wanting to say it's Trulia, but one of the real estate search websites and/or people search sites will give you a free list of persons who have lived at that address.
-names of kids, if you can get them.
-Search your mother's name and other nearby relatives' names as well, see what turns up.

Forgot...One of the real estate sites also have sales records for houses, you can see if they recently purchased it.

As usual, Muji distills it better than I. There's no way to know what is/isn't a lie in this situation---and victims are taught to live that lie. If you want to find out facts, do so, but give yourself time, okay? Make a list of what's the relevant questions---and ask your mom first. See if she can keep up a consistent story.

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. Latley my head is just spinning from all this .
Cant begin to think straight but i wrote a letter to him i have yet to mail saying all i felt i needed to say, asking a few questions and it felt good to do that. I always knew there was something more to my father just walking out and one day i will figure it out.
Right now im just taking some thinking time and building up courage.
Unfortunately i dont think ill ever talk to my mother again, shes put me through too much, shes lied too much and continues to live in her own world were its all about her , lets sweep family issues under the rug as long as i have my drugs everything's fine.
Ive tried so hard so many times to get love from her , to have a bond with her and its nothing but toxic everytime.
If theres nothing she can get from me she wants nothing to do with me. She willl never care and shes incapable of loving me ive had to learn to live with that. At this point im done with her and my family all it does is hurt me .
For now im just going let it rest and think on it , but i cant help but feel like the walls are closing in around me , panic and that its hard to breathe . Im just gunna take it a day at a time and keep going to therapy until i can think straight and come to a conclusion of what to do. I am really hurt and i really feel alone in the world , its unfair but this is the life that was givin to me . I will keep you all updated . Im just in alot of pain right now and need to get things straight but its gunna take time. I need to learn to expect nothing but pain from my mother and to not get attached or trust her. Its exrtemley hard because everyone wants to have a mother and father that love them and care but i have neither i just have me . I have to learn to love me n its going to be an uphill battle .

I would most definitely verify facts and test the waters before I started opening my closet door to a stranger, even if the DNA tie was already confirmed.

Glad you are taking the think time. I can't tell you how many times putting think time between my reactions and my actions has saved me from myself.

Gentle support while you sort, Kiana.