My trauma was mostly experienced in party atmospheres, so my challenge is trusting that happiness does not always end in mayhem. Two paths to a similar result.

I like small steps. I started with appreciation. Birds and the wind were my first successful ones. My sister started with irony.

Luck, Beaumont. Hope you find the courage to smile.

Oh, yes, dear, yes.

These books have been instrumental to me in learning to overcome a vast array of "toxic behavior" I've endured in my life.

I hope that they are some help to you, and to all the many, many others who carry their childhood and adult "baggage" around with them.

May we all be able to unload it, and move forward, leaving it behind as only a bad memory.

Name of book, author, and you can find them online at Amazon.com, Barnes & Noble.com, or at your local library, where the likelihood is, that they don't have it, they can find it. Some books are current, some are old, they are classics, tried and tested and proven effective, by yours truly and others:

1. If you had controlling parents (how to make peace with your past and take your place in the world. Dan Neuharth, Ph.D.

2. Don't let Jerks get the best of you (advice for dealing with difficult people). Paul Meier, M.D.

3. Conflict Free Living (how to build healthy relationships for life).
Joyce Meyer

4. Forgive for Good (a proven prescription for health and happiness) because holding a grudge is hazardous to your health.
Dr. Fred Luskin

5. Reach for the Rainbow (advanced healing for survivors of sexual abuse) Lynne D. Finney, J.D., M.S.W. who is a survivor and therapist

and

6. How Full is your Bucket (positive strategies for work and life) Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton, Ph.D.

See, I've had lots of homework to do to overcome my past. We don't forget, but we learn to make peace with it. It's doable.

(((Hugs)))

Yes! I do understand!

Do to the circumstances of my conception, I was told I had no Soul. I was empty inside and did not deserve anything! The difference between my brother, who was born when my parents loved each other, and myself, reinforced this belief.

I was constantly reminded, that God had not blessed my birth and could not see me! Even though as a child, I loved and believed in God, I accepted this to be true. I belonged totally to my mother and anything she did to me was what I deserved and not a sin.

Emotions were only allowed for other people, not me. The fact that I did feel emotions, made me think something was terribly wrong with me, so I stuffed them as far down as possible, so she couldn't see them.

I was born a nothing and would always be a nothing! The fact that my Husband found me and saved me from a path of self destruction and having raised two grown Sons, have never removed this deep and unshakable belief, Rational thought can't reach the place in my heart that this belief thrives.

When I try to even imagine doing something positive, like going back to school just for fun, Alarm bells go off and I retreat into the safety of none existence.

I hope you can find a way of shutting those beliefs off and learn to smile!
I know how hard it is, but I have faith that you can succeed!

Best wishes!!

Same here to all your posts.

I was told to fear God i do not know exactly why and that HE would punish me for i still don't know exactly why either....

Those constant words with sexual abuse and severe emotional neglect and more verbal abuse and emotional abuse convince me that i did/do not deserve anything at all.

So what is fun? Is eating fun? How about taking a walk? Trimming fingernails? Is having a friend fun?

I have similar issues and a similar past. I am taking my 3 kids away for a few days on Wednesday and I wish I knew how to make it "fun" for me and for them. We are going to look at colleges for my daughter. Instead, I am so anxious and stressed. I want to learn to be a person who enjoys life. Sometimes, I can fake it and unless you really knew me, you would think that I was OK but that is very draining and hard to do. I am trying to figure out the things I enjoy. They are usually quiet things that involve being alone-snuggling with my cats, reading a book, cooking. I think that is where you start. The hard part for me is doing things for my kids, because I am the mom even when they are really hard for me.

my childhood havent be that harsh like yours, but it was hard on me

what i like? for some time i didnt have answer, i was in mood i dont know

how about to start some of doings that you havent been allowed to do when you were child, fun is to enjoy yourself with or without friends, to have good time, fun is to have friend or companion to share spending time with and enjoy it, when yourself fun or happines is too look at the stars, to take a walk, to listen birds singing, to listen or feel the wind or breez, to sit under the tree in shade, to listen the sounds of rain, ocean, see, river, to have a dog or cat when you feel too alone, to learn how to be in peace within yourself, or how to find it when you dont have it yet

maybe it would be good to start with nature, to go into some of parks and be there, there is many ways to be happy within yourself and it can be relearned, takes time and it is not sin or evil, it is in human nature that we need happines and succes in our life

take care and be well

Yes- this makes total sense. My history contains more neglect than abuse, so it's low grade by comparison to some. I was always made to feel it was wrong to feel good when others were having a hard time (and these people always have a hard time: raging or depressed).

And like HBE is saying, it has trickled down to my parenting. Obviously we aren't replicating what we came from; it's more like an empty, blank feeling, like "how do I do this?". I could provide the kind of experiences that children enjoy for my daughter; my ability to share in the feeling part of fun was absent much of the time.

Some times the best I can do is to define "fun" as lack of drama and sadness, and I'm sure there's more to it than that.

Had at one point concluded that I couldn't feel enjoyment; now I am more on the page of suspecting I was trained out of it.

Currently trying to train myself into it. The "me" that resulted from what I learned before is a super responsible adult who doesn't know how to turn off, relax or play. Working on that, though.

My childhood was extremely harsh like yours, and happiness was getting over on somebody and gloating about it in that dog eat dog world. I chose to believe in a better world and not to just define happiness as bullying other people. But I've to learn, and still have to learn, how to define happiness and fun, too, like you. For one thing, I know I can trust misery, and happiness is always new to me.

So I define it for myself. One thing that makes me happy is safety. It's boring and bland to other people. but it matters to me. People who grew up in a desert don't take water for granted.

wow! I didn't think so many peoiple would be experiencing this so strongly. I thought I would be a rare one who also had that.

My mom was the super negative one, but when she ranted my father neveer disagreed. My mother resented the marriage, and came from a background of thinking that God is a harsh and kind of sadistic Judge who was waiting for us to slip up so he could vent his wrath and cast us into hell.

It has been God Himself who has really helped me to understand that he wants us to enjoy life. There are some key verses, one being Philippians 4:4 - Rejoice! Again I say Rejoice! Always'. In another place is said "I have come that your joy may be complete" .

I do the 12 Steps and that has helped me to be open to changes in my understanding of the Higher Power.

So I understand that it's very difficult to change what has been driven so deep in us, that we have been conditioned to think and feel that being joyful is wrong and dangerous,,, "wipe that smile off your face before I wipe it off for you'.

That is one thing, but also one of the symptoms of PTSD can be survivor guilt, and grieving, and those two things also hold us back from feeling joy and letting ourselves be successful. and sometimes there is numbness. This takes a slightly different approach to heal. We are here for a reason, and we can overcome great tragedies.

I remember some things my parents said, and that other religious people have said and done, that have so confused me, and other people about God. Please do your own seeking, and you shall find the Truth, and the Truth shall set you freeeeee. :)