other people understanding that has yet to have much impact on my healing or living with the broken pieces. i'm not that convinced that my own understanding of myself has as much impact of taking the leap of faith to break the isolation and find hope in the hopeless.

healing is an inside job. even when i am surrounded by people who do understand, it's still up to me to do the do.

lilmiss, I could really relate when you wrote here about how people don't understand when you've been broken repeatedly. That happened to me over and over until finally I haven't heard from any of my family members since 2010. That's when at Christmas I was on my parents' couch in pain from CKD, kidney damage from that bad pdoc in 2009 who gave me too much Seroquel for my PTSD nightmares.

My dad decided to take advantage and hit me when I was down, quite literally, punching me in the face. Like I've mentioned, my therapist diagnosed my dad as a case of untreated mental illness. Behavior like that is one of many examples as to why.


That's ok, though, because though my family wasn't nurturing or safe, once I realized I couldn't change my family and I moved on I found other families that did nurtured me and did give me a sense of security. I'm connected to such a family right now here in Mexico, a family that lives 3 blocks from my apartment. That family cooks for me, cleans for me, makes runs to the pharmacy for me for my meds, and takes me grocery shopping as well.


They are truly wonderful people. When I retired to Mexico I did it alone. I came just because the cost of living here is half of what it is in the US. I couldn't afford to retire in the US, like a lot of elderly can't, but I had to because I passed out for the 5th time from CKD on the classroom floor while teaching. I loved teaching and would love to do it still, but I physically can't.


It's an answer to prayer that I have folks who'll watch over me here in Mexico, and they're not even related to me. PTSD showed me there are bad people in the world, and that my family is bad. They're not bad just to me, they're just bad. As you know, they were arrested for laundering drug money through their church as pastors. But I've been shown that there are good people in this world, too. I thanked that Mexican family today for all that they do for me.

It definitely feels like that a lot Missy. The feeling is familiar.

Don't be super hard on yourself as my friends always tell me.

Gentle hug sweetie.... Sometimes baby steps are good steps to focus on... xo

I feel like that all the time lilmissy,

The reason, I'm here, The family of a down syndrome son, He thought we were brother's. Thought, I had to like everything he did. He had the understanding, That he was older he should understand thing's better then me.
And he has taken advantage of me, And has actually lunged at me, Like he was going to hurt me,

If his dad wasn't there watching him, He would have.

And his parent's Never took responsibility for him.....His dad hid get me a job(s), I guess his way of taking responsibility.

That made me feel worthless and broken. Still does to this day, And that was 35 Year's ago, SO, Your not alone

Thank you guys
I’m having a hard time & I appreciate your words & support a lot
Baby steps sounds like a good idea
Big hugs <3

Big hugs, lilmiss.