Welcome to the board Andy..... I am so very sorry for your loss and what's brought you here but I'm glad that you've found us

It must have been really traumatizing ….. We also have a very good Widows and Widowers board on here and I'll put up a link to it..... People there are in different stages of healing and offer wonderful peer support

Have you ever thought of going to a RL grief group??

Gentle hug.....xo

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/bereavement/discussion/widows-widowers-partners-support-board

Hi Andy, I', sorry for your loss, and I do understand it. I am the Community Leader for the Widows & Widowers Group that Suncloud mentioned, and I have PTSD from the exact same type of situation. My husband of 30 years died in my arms from an unexpected heart attack at 55. I did CPR until the paramedics showed up, but no one could save him. He died with me screaming, begging him not to go. It all happened in front of our two sons, and they too have been affected.

Like you, the first few months are a foggy blur. Somehow I managed to get all the redtape and such dealt with, despite being devastated in every way imaginable. I had to - my sons were suddenly fatherless and I had very big shoes to fill for them.

I had counseling, which I received for free through an Employee Assistance Program at work. It helped. I also kept two journals to write down and express whatever I was feeling - one electronic one here and one paper one I carried with me.

In the first months, I kept playing the death scenes over and over in an endless tape loop in my head. It was horrible, as were the nightmares that went with it. Eventually, I wrote everything down in a notebook - every horrible detail. Then I closed the notebook and told myself that I didn't need to keep it in my head as it was safely stored in the notebook if for any reason I needed it again. That released me from that at least.

The first year anniversary is one of the hardest. They do get easier. I still wake up every year at the same time he died, and I cry and cry. People die, love doesn't. However, with each passing year I know I will bounce back because I have done it before. Somehow, in a weird way, that does help.

You would be more than welcome over in the Widows & Widowers board. You don't have to give up being a member of the PTSD board. It might help you to belong to both. You will find us here:

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/widows-widowers

You can get through this. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha, CL for Widows & Widowers

Welcome Andy, though I am sorry for what brings you here. I lost my wife a year and a half ago due to Cancer which is very different than your experience but I still have trouble sometimes, and was pretty much as you are now on that one year anniversary. Do consider yourself normal, and be kind to yourself as you find your way through the grief and back to yourself, as that sense of self identity evolves. triple hugs of support~

Welcome, Andy. The anniversary of a painful loss is always hard, but the first one, I've found, was my hardest. I'm so glad you reached out for support here to get through it. We're with you.

HI Andy,
So sorry for your loss. I can relate on some level to the trauma of the passing; my husband passed away of a sudden massive heart attack on March 10, 2008. I could say it really does get more manageable. That said, I still have my days, where especially around his birthday and the anniversary of his death, where I find myself replaying our last days in my head, and I still remember the first anniversary of Mike's death; it was awful until about an hour or two after the actual rememberance of the death and the hospital and all that, but then my sister and niece were really great. Hope you were able to get through the day, and hope you are having a manageable day today, and it's okay if you're not. Hugs to you,
Lisa

Im so sorry, this February marks the third anniversary of my husband's accident and death. My youngest daughter was 32 almost 3 when he was killed, her dad has been dead longer in her lifetime than he was alive.

Do you have a good support network?

I wasn't there when my husband was killed. I was at home with our sick toddler and other young daughter waiting for him and his best friend who was in town visiting to come home. I still remember the state patroller at the door and having to go identify him because his friend was air lifted in critical condition unconscious and they had a hard time telling them apart.

If you ever need to talk please dont hesitate to message me. :hugs: Last year i put together a scrapbook with the help of my adopted mother, of the good times. Pictures and momentos when we started dating, of our wedding, of outdoor adventures together, when our daughters were born. It helps to look at sometimes when I'm feeling down and struggling with those traumatic memories. Do you have a way to collect those good memories?

Your wife is still with you every day and Im sure she wants you to be happy and live your life.

:more hugs:

♡Kristen

Thanks to everyone for sharing. I live in a rural are and can't get to a grief group yet. Unfortunately, I've been stuck in the same apt. where the trauma took place for way too long. I live alone, and I badly need a change of scenery. Hang in there everyone, Believe it or not , this too will pass, etc.. I'm trying to focus on what I am learning from all this. Sunny, my wife, taught me so many things. I'm not a religious man, but I believe the journey continues.
Bid hugs back.
Andy

Welcome Andy .I am also a widow at almost 7 years. You are still early, grief take as long as it takes. Anniversaries and special places can feel like getting caught in a rip tide.. I still get them at times.
Can you do something to change the apartment? Even move the furniture around, change slip covers, window coverings, or move tv to a different space, New bedding for sure. Claim the space as yours.

Hugs and support.
J.

Thanks J.
Good advice. Slowly, I'm trying to re- home myself. This is as much a personal existential crisis as anything. I might have a chance to move and will know more tomorrow. Please pray for me all.
Blessed Be.
Andy