Can't someone in your family tell him it's not a good time for him to come? You should not be forced to see him.

I don't much like advice columns, but I find great strength in sharing experience. Don't accuse me of experting, but I do believe it's what peer support is all about. Not all the ideas passed around in the sharing are useful for everybody, so I can take what works for me and leave the rest. I gain positive reinforcement and/or reality checks in sharing about the psychotherapy tools I have been using.

Anyhoo. . .

I pack a therapy tool kit for occasions where I am exposing myself to a known trigger, such as an estranged family member. The first tool I pack is back-up from my therapy support network. A post like this one and/or sharing in my live support net is a good first step. It helps me when I know I am not alone with ^it^. Other tools might include program material to read when I am able to slip away for a therapy break and grounding doodads for tactile grounding exercises to channel my anxiety during stressful moments.

But that is me. . .

Gentle support while you find what works for you, Nienna. Hope you get a little healing mojo for your birthday. Happy Special Day.

This is a little stronger than Donna's response...but here goes.

Let the source that told you this, know...That his inclusion will guarantee a bad birthday experience for you. You do not wish to spoil any plans by walking out if he shows up, for your own reasons. If they invited him, they can UN-invite him, or re-set the place and time without notifying him of the change,...Or you will make other plans that won't subject you to his presence. The whys are known to you and him and that is enough explanation if they ask...let them guess. It is your birthday, not theirs.
J.

Nienna,
We are a lot alike...in fact my birthday is just a few days behind yours. Go no contact. I'm serious. I was in coaching/counseling for this...I have anxiety/PTSD. Nienna...run...my brother beat me badly a couple of times and I landed in hospital. I have been really messed up from it. I have to take meds and was hard for me to function. My counselor insisted on NO CONTACT and it was the best decision I ever made...year and a half now. My life has finally begun. Each time you expose yourself-you reactivate the PTSD/depression. Quite dangerous. I have been NO CONTACT for about 1.5 years with the ENTIRE FAMILY. I didn't think it was possible. Don't play the dangerous game. You can't win with them.
orion

I don't see my little sister any more because it just wasn't good for me. When we were kids, I used to take her to all of my high school dances, etc. Last time I saw her, though, she'd taken to telling people stories from my past life as if there were stories from hers.

It was a really creepy boundary violation for me to discover, but I'm afraid my little sister is seriously mentally ill. Our parents enable it completely. When I suggested she get help like I've gotten for my PTSD, though, she threw shade on me for being the "crazy one in the family."

So I just had to call it quits. That was 6 years ago, and I've been a lot happier since then. I'd say don't see your brother if seeing him is just not good for you.