I think the last step in this cascade of unfortunate events im experiencing, is i think i will lose my job. the guy that got beat up works with me... my heart hurts. my head hurts. i feel like it will never end. and i have no where to live... my mom wants me to move back with her.. my mother who caused all this grief in my life...and im scared shitless but i have no where else for me and my daughter to go. i just want to give up. every step is agony.

I am incredibly sorry all this is happening to you. If you do get fired, could you afford to live where you are and look for another job for a bit before you decide to return to your mother's house? Financial worries are one of those things that can make us feel totally helpless and hopeless. You are not alone, it can honestly be crippling. However, if you do lose your job, I would go to social services again as your circumstances will have changed. Perhaps you can get into subsidized housing or something like that. It sounds like a bad idea to go back to your mom's if she was your abuser as that puts you in a really scary situation and that will affect your daughter and you. Here, if you are homeless, you get housing help much sooner than if you were on some sort of list. I know that's not the most appealing situation, and you'll have to decide if that is better than going to your mom's for as long as it takes to get the services you need.

Im trying like hell to not go back to her house, part of me wants to think that it will be better, maybe give me a chance to have and end to it, maybe have a relationship with her, and then.... i realize ive tried to do that my entire life in relationships... and my biggest concern is my daughter right now, ive even considered relinquishing temporary custody until i can get this straight, because i am soo afraid of something bad happening to her, that she will see me like this and it will damage her, that i will make her like me. or what if im off the wall and she is too close and i snap... so many what ifs... i know... but its frightening and terrifying. cause i know if something happened, once the damage is done, it cannot be undone. and its gotta be hard on her right now... from being with mommy and daddy... to split house at age 2... then babysitters, and my family around her... she spends more time with others than with me at all.... i hate it, i hate the thought of it. but now im so used to it as well. im trying to look at this as she will be spending more time with me, which is good.

Hey there, dear friend!

I am sinking financially, too - and that is the greatest source of my anxiety. We're out of food, my kids are stressed, I keep trying to have hope - I've got some brown beans I will cook to make us a dinner and will be enough for leftovers.

I know the fear that the outside world will see how close to crumbling I really am, and react with fear and disgust, and abandon me (as in a job) but they seem to not see how bad it is. I pray you don't lose your job. I pray you have some breakthrough to give you hope, soon.

I really feel for you, dracona. Its very uncomfortable and unsatisfying when nobody really knows or understands what we truly feel. I am sorry for your situation. I understand what ur feeling.

As to your mother situation, I would say no. If she is the one who caused you a lot of the hurt and pain, why go back? But... BIG but... if you have no other option, then that might be your best bet. You say there is a lack of social services in your area? Try to do some research, look to see if there are any in other spots in the state.

It's emotionally,physically, and mentally draining when you go through the rollercoasters of this thing we know as PTSD. Besides with struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies/thoughts, one of the areas that it's affecting me is my hair and financial situation. With no job and money due to school, clinics, etc, my hair has been one of those conscious things for me. Losing it makes me feel like hell: you have to use products in order for it to look fuller and thicker. I know this has nothing to do with you, but I know what it feels like you are uncertain about your future.

Jeremiah 29:10-11 comforts me: " For the Lord knows the plans he has for me,plans to prosper me and not for harm, plans to give me a hope and a future."

We see things through our natural eyes but God's eyes see infinity because He is eternal and he knows we are made from dust. Lean on us, lean on God, i don't believe we want to hurt you: neither would God, though we may not see it that way.

Thank you so much for your transparency and honesty. I can identify so much and am so grateful to see my own feeling written down by someone else. It makes one not feel so alone in what they view as their own strange perceptions. As much as a therapist may tell you something is normal for the state and condition you are inyou just always feel off, or at least I do. I have that feeling you described, quote, i could be fine... and BAM... im ready to fight., end quote, often and without warning. I can be so upset so quickly and the trigger is usually not obvious in that moment. We are all here to help each other with this monster PTSD and your sharing has helped me. Thank you!

Hi. Reading your post made me realize I am not the only one who feels like this. I really dont know what to say except that I am in the same boat as you right now with alot of the same questions and feelings of hopelessness. I will tell you to keep on even though it is so hard for me to do as well. Maybe with this site we both can find the strength we need.

I feel that this website is God-given. It makes me internalize that we are not alone in our feelings. Not too long ago, I called the suicide hotline because I was ready to explode due to my mother's insensitivity.

There are moments that grab sooo much out of you that you are like," wtfudge?" You become this wrapped around rollercoaster of emotions that fool you once and then once more. After my talk on the phone, the "samaritan" made me realize I have a hard time accepting ptsd. I get so mad when something bothers me or when everything is too quiet, its like... whoa. My anger stems from my family's ignorance and the lack of acceptance and concern for my well-being. They make it seek as if were just me with the issues...

Idk if you are in you are just starting your recovery or not, but you are not alone. I have a long way to go. I know how hard it can be when you cannot express to others what you feel because maybe you have spoken your mind before and they never did anything or just seemed distant. I think that's one of our most weakest spots: our anger. This is a fight that we will have to fight together.

A lot of us may not have a lot of friends around us but whether or not we have a few or a lot here in this website, this grants us the chance to really open up and help each other. don't be afraid to speak... I should take that too for myself.

You made me laugh... wtfudge... ha...

but i think with myself, one of the reasons its so hard, is i have studied psychology in part, and done alot of research.... and the meds they have are honestly scary to me. they cannot measure neurotransmitters in the brain, but they constantly prescribe meds with little testing hoping they will help. Im afraid if i embark on this medication journey, i will be dependent forever on them, or that it will dissolve that barrier that has kept me from killing myself. i cant risk being worse. and you never know how those things will affect you, or when their affects will suddenly alter and you need a different dose. ive journaled. i have no problem talking about what happened to me... i dont look for sympathy...i acknowledge what happened. and i acknowledge that i have an issue. and that these issues have destroyed my life countless times. I am just now acknowledging fully, that i am sick. truly sick. and i dont know what to do for help. i found a free counselor in a charity work, she made room for me but thinks that with my issue once every two weeks might not be enough for me. ive tried counselors before, and ive never gotten anywhere. i journal. excercise. meditate. but somewhere along the path i lose myself, i always do... even get time gaps. its a miracle i make it to work everyday... which is getting harder and harder to do... i just want it to stop.
how do i let go of this? HOW? all this pain inside me, this depression. inside, the me i know i am... is a happy person. a kind person who helps people. a kind person with a story to tell and things to teach others. an enlightened person who loves life and loves herself. and this person rarely gets to come out.
and that is who i want to be... all the time... i want to wake up in the morning with a postive attitude, regardless of my situation, just happy to be alive. its torture to want to die and have to live.... to be trapped in here.
i swear ive tried almost everything that i could afford... maybe i need brain surgery. i dont know. i just know that this is not living.
im going to be 30 years old, thats still young, and i look at all the time ive wasted.... all the things ive never done, all the things ive failed at because ultimately, at some point, this takes over. im in a point in my life right now where i should be able to be HAPPY. im a college student, i have a beautiful little girl.. i have a job... so why do i feel so desolate? im becoming less and less social, not because of social anxiety, but because i am losing my care or compassion for others because so much is wrong with me. and the inside me screams that this is not right. which causes me to beat myself up more. but im a slave to my emotions. they are taking over. every day is like walking through a swamp of thigh high mud and slime, hoping that somewhere there is light.
i know people get through this, but it feels like i have been fighting for so long... and i also know tomorrow i could wake up and feel like it will all be ok, but i cant hold on to it. and every moment i get that i feel that way i thank the universe and any gods that are out there for that moment. that fleeting moment of normalcy.

Dracona, every think of changing your name to something other than Dracona? How we label ourselves has a lot to do with who we be.

Dracona,
Every year when my birthday arrived, I felt really depressed at how much of my life I had wasted being depressed and that I would always be depressed and never get better and beat myself up. I'm now 49 and this past birthday my friend made it really special and I did not beat myself up so much. Basically it helped to be with someone who went out of her way to make the whole week special and busy for me. And the EMDR work that I had been doing helped as well. My current T once said to me that even though I've been in therapy since the age of 16, she felt that the work I'd done along the way had led me to where I was able to do the EMDR work that I did, which has changed how I feel a lot. I discovered a lot of the reasons for my depression and PTSD and that helped me to realize that my depression wasn't my fault and for lack of trying to get better or anything. It was because of all this stuff hidden inside that I didn't consciously know about that had been stuffed until now.

My PTSD and depression are very closely connected and I don't distinguish btw them. I know some of my fears are due to the PTSD, but I just lump it all together.

I have been treated with meds since the summer after my first year of college. I got off them for 1-2 years during a very happy time. However the rest of the time I was very suicidal and attempted suicide several times. If it were not for being on meds, I would not have made it. It wasn't a cure at all, but it kept me functioning enough to work and basically took the edge off for me. Sometimes I was better, some worse, but a great deal of the time I suffered from major depression. Right now I have a more chronic depression rather than major depression. Yes, the meds have side effects, all meds do, not just psych meds. It is somewhat trial and error to find something that works for you, but no med has ever made me worse. It either helped or it didn't. I kind of had to choose what side effects I could deal with. I have had so many episodes of major depression that I likely will take meds forever. The more episodes you have, the more likely you are to have more. For me the meds keep me from going back into the deep whole to an extent. Who knows, maybe in the future I won't need them.

I think you kind of have to decide for yourself how bad you are feeling and whether it is worth it to try the meds. Many people take the meds for a year and don't need them anymore. You can always wean off of them and see how you feel. If you need them again then it's another decision moment. Due to my fear of changing meds and going off them completely (which I know would sink me), my psych weans me off a med at the same time as I am going on to the next med if I am trying something new. That eases my fears about med changes.

It sounds to me like you are having a pretty hard time and that meds might help to allow you to either face issues you haven't faced yet, or to make changes in things that are getting in your way emotionally.

I've seen so many therapists, some of them just didn't work out for me, but I had such bad self esteem that I believed them when they said that they were the right therapist or I just thought I didn't have a choice as I was so dependent on them as I felt so bad. Over time I've been able to tell who will be a good fit and who won't. I'm very lucky that I have had some great therapists who have been good fits and I have done a lot of work with them.

I think that if you cannot afford to see a T, and have a free T available that you think can help you, then once every 2 weeks is better than none at all. I think that just because you know what happened and can talk about it, you have not resolved the issues and so something still remains that you have to deal with, alone or with help. Perhaps there are things you don't know about that you have held at bay because you have unconsciously not felt ready to deal with them.

It sounds like you have come to realize that you are sick and that is a huge awareness. I don't think you can just let go of something. Maybe you can pick small things that you can try to journal about or figure out a way to face something you haven't risked yet (conquer a fear?).

I put my name as Dracona because all the others were taken that i normally use, and I love dragons.

Im feeling a little better today, though life continues to throw things at me. someone stole my crabbing pot out the back of my car, which is the one relaxing fun thing me and my daughter do that doesnt cost any more money than what we have spent already. i nearly lost it but was able to keep it together. I just want more than anything to be STABLE.
ive started up my SAM E supplements again, and am going to pick up some st johns wort and start that again. i want to keep it natural before i try anything else. I have someone that says they want to be here for me, and i might let him. i realize i have never really let anyone in completely, i thought i had, but i havent. the one time i started too he left me pregnant on the streets, so its really hard to trust again, and it was hard before as well. maybe i will try not doing this alone this time. i will be honest with someone. and he said he will help me remember to keep taking the supplements and go to appointments with me at times and try to learn more about it himself. hope it pans out.
i wont be any worse off than i am now if it doesnt.
ive always been dependent in relationships, but ive never given myself a relationship that wasnt like that. i didnt kjnow how to let someone in without being dependent. so im gonna try i think.
at least i will have a reminder to take my pills.

A few days ago, I had the weirdest dream ever. It was about a black cat that attacked me at the forehead and as I was fighting it, I woke up right then and there. The dream taught me about my anger and how it has affected me and the struggle I have in facing the issues that arised from it.

I am one of those people who is very skeptical about meds just because of the side effects it brings and how it can affect you, once you are off of them. I have never taken any medication unless it was for body pain or menstrual cramps. Nevertheless, I have been told to see a psychiatrist and see that they can offer me something that has a low dosage and that I can slowly wean off of it. Due to the fact of not having medical insurance, i have not been able to and just not too long ago, I was told that I am able to go through with the clinical study research for PTSD and I can meet the head director of the program.

Anger affects us in so many ways and just like someone mentioned, excessive anger causes dangers to our health. I see that and I acknowledge it. I believe that I do need a low dosage of meds but I am scared. its irrational to think so but I know its true. This recovery from PTSD will not be a straight path.

I am so angry and hateful i think i'm gonna pass out from it....i know.I'm not winning any popularity contest anytime soon, but at least i'm honest.

I went to work and then i had to ask to go home "sick"........Yeah sick of everything and everyone and before the night ended BAD for someone....

If it wasn't for anger i'd feel nothing.

im there with you, i do know that ST johns wort and Sam E were helping me for a while, though i didnt take them long enough to know about for how long. but im sure it was helping now that im off them. and its fairly cheap. im determined to stick with it this time, before i go to the OK drug me up with anything route. i dont have insurance either, its tough. and even with insurance it can get expensive.