Im new to this group... most of the discussions i have read are based on fear... i do understand this. i have irrelevant and out of context fear for many situations, though fear i am able to overcome. i have conditioned myself to over come it, but i used anger to overcome it. i let anger ride out the fear... to become angry at whatever i was afraid of, and face it. fight it.
but when i am triggered, i become a pile of mush... irrational... and anger. i lash out. and its incredibly random. i could be fine... and BAM... im ready to fight. i control myself in this aspect as well... i do not fight people... how do i do this? i internalize it. unintentionally... and ive been doing this for so many years that it has become automatic. when i try to let my feelings out, i close up like a brick wall... even to myself. i want to let go... of all this heaviness my life has wrought upon me.... ive even gone to intense sweat lodges for hours and 14 hour sitting cross legged in front of a fire place, trying to let go, to be me, to feel my spirit. but the walls built are too strong for even that.

im tired of being this mess... im so emotionally triggered. sometimes physically. i would always deny anything was wrong with me before, for a long time. the mental and physical abuse my mother provided when i was growing up was enough to damage me for a lifetime. and i continued the cycle. i let people walk over me... i dont know how to properly stand up for myself... im extreme passive aggressive. and when placed in a situation where i have to make a decision, whether for me or my daughter... i freeze... dont know what to do, and its off the rocker for me.
i become "shaky" inside. i cant think, i cant act right...

im so afraid its going to mess my daughter up the way i am messed up.
because i cant say no when i need to and cant say yes when i should.
because she has to see me like that... because her crying is one of my triggers.

i was triggered today... due to financial issues... (why is that such a major trigger) i had no one to call.... i didnt want to be alone. so i called ex #1... whom we were working on our issues and possible going to get back together someday... he was asleep and wasnt going to come over. this made me go off further feeling i wasnt worth losing sleep over.
so i called ex #2... i needed someone to talk to so badly... who is my daughters stand in daddy since her real one is a doosh and has nothing to do with her. we have been friends. i left him because of his irresponsibility, and half of this mess im in financially is because of him not paying his phone bill and not paying a gas bill that was left in my name and i got taken to court. well he came over to talk me down. ex #2 decides to show up as well... and fights ex #1 because he knew that i was upset because of the money that ex#2 owes me and it was causing me great difficulty.

and i feel like a fucking mess. like this is all my fault. like im useless. worthless. and i dont know what to do or how to feel. im dying inside right now... i feel helpless. and im afraid, of myself, of everything.

how do you love someone when you feel everyone is out to get you?
when you can no longer trust anyone? how do you be a good parent to your child when you dont even know how to protect yourself?
im sorry this is long... im having a tough time right now. im so lost.