I ask myself those same questions everyday.... I think maybe its because they've taken our self-esteem. But Im right there with ya....

:::Hugs::::

It's part of the abuse cycle. Abusers have an 'instinct' about when their 'source' is about to dump them. That's when they turn on the charm. It's called the honeymoon cycle. We want to believe they will change because we cannot fathom any human, especially the one who says they love us and makes all kinds of promises (they will never keep) about how wonderful our lives will be together.

Please get into therapy asap w/a qualified therapist who understands the dynamics of abuse. It's important to get yourself back and to understand how to set and keep healthy boundaries.

And please go to your nearest women's shelter and get help in making a SAFE plan to get him out of your house asap. The shelter should be able to refer you to attorneys who also understand the dynamics of abuse.

There is much evidence that says the more trauma (abuse) we are exposed to, the more it damages our brain. I'm including a link to a thread where I have explained in more detail how our brain is affected. See reply #2 http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/18792593-abuse-ptsd-connection

Thank you, My True Colors for re-posting the location of that. I know I have been pretty silent lately and i really do not know what is going on with me.
I did, however get your response copied. it is important!!!!

Please, jstanicegirl,
PLEASE listen To MY TRUE COLORS!!!!
Good luck!!!

How long have you been with this man, and have you been in previous abusive relationships? Did you grow up in a home where this was the norm?

In the end, the WHY we do what we do is far less important than what we do next though. It sounds like you have good reasons to leave the relationship and no good reasons to stay. Abusers work on a carrot and the stick approach to get what they want, and have no problem turning on the charm and manipulation when called for.

Why can't they stay charming? Because they are nuts, what does it matter? Point is, they can't stay charming for long.

Pack a bug out bag, drain any joint checking accounts and move out OR get the local courts to issue a protective order. Things will not get better.

He plants the negative thoughts because he has studied you and knows something about you that will respond to those negative thoughts.

For example, my narc would always say, "I'm going to send you home to your father!!!", whenever I would challenge him or say I was going to leave. He did that because he knew my father is abusive to my mom and that has been hard for me to deal with my whole life. He wanted me to think because I had hated how my father treated my mother that my father would treat me that way, which wasn't the case. He was trying to make me believe I had no place to go.

Take whatever he says to you and say the opposite.

"I will not be sorry, this will work out for my good."

"I am getting rid of a bad man."

"No one would want him either once they discover the REAL him."

The TRUTH will set you FREE!!!

Thank you all. Richard...I have been with this man for a little over two years now. He moved in with me fairly quickly, after only five months. The abuse quickly followed. I have not been in an abusive relationship before, and my parents are going on fifty years of marriage and treat each other with care, dignity and respect. I used the name jstanicegirl...because that is what people have always said..you are such a nice girl...maybe to a fault. I also do not have the greatest self-esteem to start...I'm sure he was able to pick up on this immediately.

Wow, he sure thinks alot of himself! (been there done that)
Sounds like you already recognize that you've been fooled. It also sounds like the abuse could escalate.
Sounds like you need to start making plans to get him out of your house....you will need a witness and support of a friend when you tell him to leave....or have him removed by the police.

Hon ----

Somewhere near you there
is a women's center. Call
or visit them RIGHT AWAY!!!!!!!

They'll be able to support
you with all kinds of
valuable resources.

Yes. . . . it's possible to be
so nice to others that we're
vulnerable, ourself. That
sounds like what's going
on with you. And predators
can "smell" that, like a
carnivore smells blood.

But you can repair that.
You can still be nice. . . .
starting with YOURSELF.

It takes practice.

Please reach out to a
qualified counselor
for help. You'll be
glad that you did.

Take good care.

Sending hugs and
healing thoughts.

hi, along with the other well informed members have said, you asked,
" WHY? How does he do that? The rational me knows that he is killing me slowly"

he is afraid of losing his victim, you, the person that he has worked hard on manipulating and/or brainwashing and lowering your self-eseem, to the point of where you doubt yourself and your own ability to question what is real or or not, i am not a psycholigist, but i have read a lot about this type of abuser and have been in the situation.

they also thrive on drama. can you try to worry less about him and more about your own needs, mentally, what makes jstanicegirl feel calm inside?

you are not a FOOL as you said. you are just caught up in the cycle of abuse and it becomes a habit. i usrge you to google narcissists and abusive relationships to begin. sorting all of this out takes some time, but i have a feeling you will get there, to the point of peace...you are worth it and deserve a happy life. hugs.

I ask myself why am I in this verbal abusive marriage of 6 months. I have been with this man for 2 years. He plays his emotional games on me. He knows what hurts me the most so he does it daily. If I don't do as he says then the flood gates open up. Today I feel like I could just scream I am so furious at myself for not leaving him a long time ago. Why am I still with this man who apparently doesn't care about me at all or he wouldn't do what he does. Very angry, hurt and 100% frustrated at him and at myself for ALLOWING him to treat me so bad. I have to get out of this and soon!

Moonstone...it's as if we could be talking about the same man. It's infuriating, confusing and heartbreaking all rolled up in one. In my mind..I am taking the first step..by acknowledging and talking about it. Regaining enough strength to make him go.

Take care.

Jstanicegirl... I am so angry with myself because he lives in another country. He isn't even here in my home and I am allowing him to be abusive and have me upset every single day. He is a monster with all his selfishness and only caring about himself. I have to be the one to walk away because he will never do. Talking about it today on here is like a release. I don't know why I keep hanging on to someone who doesn't know the meaning of love. I have to gain enough strength to let go. I will admit that I hang on due to loneliness. My family doesn't live close so I feel totally alone all the time. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely, however I am lonely and waiting for that one call and when he doesn't or he turns his phone off it hurts.

My abuser would do the same thing- Make me feel like I would be losing someone AMAZING-

To be 100% honest my fear, at that time was: He will get someone else and treat them well, learn from his years of mistakes with me, and live happily ever after with someone else.

I loved him- I married him for life. I had shared all of my adult life with him, and part of my adolescents.

When you can accept the person you love with all your heart & soul doesn't love you the same way- so very hard to do-
You will most likely be ready to move on. I joined DS about 6 weeks ago- I have been seperated over 4 years- divorced almost 2 months... and DS helps me still.

Leaving an abuser is a long process.
Best of luck to you.
Leah

Leah,
That is one thing that I cant help from thinking about. What if he treats the next one well? What if she gets the wonderful man he was when we first got together, all the time? It would kill me. This man had me fooled...I thought we were meant to be.
Of course deep down I KNOW this will not happen. I KNOW I am not the first he has done this to and certainly wont be the last.

He won't, because the abuse stems from his own choices. He can be in as many relationships as he likes, but unless he changes, they will all have one thing in common - him.

That's the hardest thing, in my mind, to get past. The knowledge that they have the power to change, yet don't want to - and really, why should they? They have everything they want. Getting to belittle you, have a handy and simple excuse for his own failure and anger, not having to face the fact that he's not such a great person... Why should he give all that up?

Of course, that doesn't take any part of you into consideration. You don't deserve to be treated like that. You should be valued and respected - even cherished and treasured! Your rational mind is correct - even if nothing changes, are you ready for the rest of your life to look exactly like this?