Ok so for those that know my story - Ive gotten to the point where I retained an attorney, am sitting on papers and have become numb to pull the trigger. Ive been discussing this with my IC and she said I need to feel ready. Suggested MC - with one who specialized in abuse, like she does. She said when people get to this point, sometimes MC can help them to see more clearly and move things along in the right and healthy direction.

So we went to see the MC tuesday. You can read my journal for all the details, but the gist was this:

She seemed to get him right away. Called him out on his nervous energy, how he kept interrupting me whenever I tried to speak and I'd just sink back in the couch. She said he worry's too much. SO much so, that he pushes me away. He doesn't listen or hear me. He's so busy only half listening and then thinking about what he's gonna say.

She explained to him how little by little his behavior, not listening, not taking me seriously for years when I've reached out to him, all the times I tried to explain my hurt, asked for MC, time apart,... He just ignored me, figured it'll pass and things will be better tomorrow... all of that caused erosion in me. I started keeping things inside, to avoid arguments, confrontations, I grew depressed, sad, lost myself. Now, there's nothing left of me - I'm eroded away.

She said we need to start from scratch now. and take things slow. Whether we can rebuild or not, we need to have a friendly relationship bc we'll always be in contact with the girls. She explained how extensive studies have been done and children will be FINE with divorced parents - as long as there's not bitterness, and friction. If we can be friends and be amicable, they will be fine.

She said i need to put the anger and all that happened behind me and look at each other and try to recall the happy times, what we fell in love with in the beginning. Try and have cordial conversations and become friends again. We are certainly not a team anymore and just seem to be keeping a score card. She said I need to get to a place where I can look at him and talk to him without feeling all this anger and having all these hard emotions stirring up inside of me. Until then, we cant even address if this marriage can be saved. Right now our goal is to see if we can just be friends for the kids sake. Now - That bugged me. It seems like rug sweeping. IDK. Im not gonna stay and be miserable or become complacent and settle. I'm just not. It's a process. I feel like going to this MC was my last ditch effort.

IF this marriage is to work, there needs to be ALOT of investment on his part - serious, authentic investment. She said it's gonna be hard and a lot of work. He Says he loves me and wants to stay together as a family. But she told him he has to understand, it's been years of myself eroding away and it just be too late.

What bothered me was, she got ALL that out of a 55 minute session! Ive been trying to get through to him for YEARS. And he still didn't have the reaction I wanted him to have. He has yet to have that "ah-ha moment". He SAYS he gets it, and understands but he just seems so cold about it.


Here's the twist -
she called me today and said she noticed something that was a red flag to her. She asked that I not say anything and she didnt really wanna put any thoughts into my head, and that she didnt want us to be talking behind husband's back, but... she asked how he was academically. I asked what are you implying? She said, the way he sat quietly and said he was absorbing everything but she felt he wasn't quite getting it. I said yes. ive felt that way ALOT for YEARS now. I said I felt he was a bit emotionally immature and just really self-absorbed.

Now im curious to know what HIS IC thinks of him. But isnt it unethical for me to try to talk to her?? Either way, the MC said to me tonight, that I feel how I feel - if I feel Im done, then Im done. But my anger may be replaced with frustration IF its a mental "disability" for lack of a better word.

Sorry so long!

Thoughts???