Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
What is happening when your mate has hurt your feelings to the point you are crying and shows not one ounce of remorse?
I have been with this man for 15years and he's been emotionally abusive and sometimes physical for most of the relationship. Over the last year and a half he had tried to improve but as of late he has relapsed into the monster that he once was.
My car is breaking down(10 years old, 122k miles). I have 3 kids under 10 and I drive alot. I also live in the Midwest where it gets very cold. I know the car wont survive this winter.
I told him that we need to talk about getting one and he got angry and told me that he may help me with a little down payment but WOULD NOT co-sign. I know I would need his help because my credit is not good at all. After that he started stonewalling me. It has been 31 days today. A living hell to say the least.
I've had lots of crying episodes out of sadness and despair. He told me to leave him alone and that I get on his nerves. After that he just sits there and watches me in pain. It's something I can't understand.
I can feel his energy building as if he wants to get really angry. Any time I try to bring up the subject of how he's been treating me over the last 30 days, he gets defensive and mad and says more hurtful things. Today he told me if I think he's so bad then I should just leave. He said nothing I say will make him change his mind about the car. BTW, his car is newer and much nicer. He washes it and keeps it clean. My car is falling apart day by day. The window doesn't roll up and it has rained in it and it's beginning to sour. Every warning light is illuminated on the dash. I'm so hurt that he won't help me. He's a bastard.
He's so cold. I feel so alone because either my friends are avoiding me because they're uncomfortable or my family just wants me to go ahead and make peace with him. I'm so confused. I just want to melt away. I can't get out of bed today. My smoking has increased. I can't focus. I'm trying to practice self care but its hard.
I feel like moving to my moms for a few days because when he's home is when I get tense and feel emotionally ill. Any advice you all can give would not go unappreciated. Thank you for reading.
I have been with this man for 15years and he's been emotionally abusive and sometimes physical for most of the relationship. Over the last year and a half he had tried to improve but as of late he has relapsed into the monster that he once was.
My car is breaking down(10 years old, 122k miles). I have 3 kids under 10 and I drive alot. I also live in the Midwest where it gets very cold. I know the car wont survive this winter.
I told him that we need to talk about getting one and he got angry and told me that he may help me with a little down payment but WOULD NOT co-sign. I know I would need his help because my credit is not good at all. After that he started stonewalling me. It has been 31 days today. A living hell to say the least.
I've had lots of crying episodes out of sadness and despair. He told me to leave him alone and that I get on his nerves. After that he just sits there and watches me in pain. It's something I can't understand.
I can feel his energy building as if he wants to get really angry. Any time I try to bring up the subject of how he's been treating me over the last 30 days, he gets defensive and mad and says more hurtful things. Today he told me if I think he's so bad then I should just leave. He said nothing I say will make him change his mind about the car. BTW, his car is newer and much nicer. He washes it and keeps it clean. My car is falling apart day by day. The window doesn't roll up and it has rained in it and it's beginning to sour. Every warning light is illuminated on the dash. I'm so hurt that he won't help me. He's a bastard.
He's so cold. I feel so alone because either my friends are avoiding me because they're uncomfortable or my family just wants me to go ahead and make peace with him. I'm so confused. I just want to melt away. I can't get out of bed today. My smoking has increased. I can't focus. I'm trying to practice self care but its hard.
I feel like moving to my moms for a few days because when he's home is when I get tense and feel emotionally ill. Any advice you all can give would not go unappreciated. Thank you for reading.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Your feelings mean nothing to them. You've endured this 15 years, and are coming to some realizations that your situation won't change. Most here will tell you, abusers just don't change.
I think it's a good start getting away from him with kids in tow, and going to your mother's. Do this while he's not there, and do not tell him of your plans. Bring anything important he can potentially trash, including important documents. Get as much cash as possible as well.
Once your at your mother's, contact your local DV shelter and let them know of your emotional and physical abuse. They can help you with permanent plans. Also ask about legal help and therapist recommendations.
It's up to you if you want 15 years to turn into 16, 20, 25, etc..., or if you feel strongly enough to put a stop to this NOW and help yourself and your children.
Best of luck!
I know many women often return but I feel very strongly about leaving. I'm ok with the fact that he makes 4 times as much money as I do, I'm ok with having to leave my nice home, I'm ok with the fact that I will be without him. The only reason I'm ok is because I'm strengthening my trust in God. He had brought me through this 15 year storm with all of my emotions intact (most of them). Nothing that can't be repaired.
I'm going to contact the shelter on Monday and try to get in for counseling. I really must go. He's not capable of giving me what I need. Again, thank you for caring.
If I stay, I will have this crappy car (mine had 175K miles), and him refusing to help me in anyway, and have to take his abuse, have no help, not just with the car but with anything else (including taking care of the house, paying the bills). What reason is there to stay?
If I leave, I will have the crappy car....for awhile, But I won't have his abuse, my son will have a safe place to go, I will only be cleaning up after myself and not him, and he can pay his own damn bills, and I'll pay mine.
I decided that if I left, everything would be pretty much the same, except I would not have his daily attacks driving me down.
The first days can be difficult, but personally, not as bad as staying with him. THAT was the most difficult. But once you have an atty, get some support, and start realigning things so that you are an equal, not his property....things will get better. A LOT better.
Hugs to you for your pain, and your struggle. We're here for you....
Hockeymom, You are right. Crappy car but no abuse. That's what I want for my kids and I! I'm feeling stronger today. Feeling emotionally safer today. I'm taking it one day at a time. Thanks for your support and I look forward to connecting again. I'm so glad I found this board. :-)
I feel worthless and don't feel like there is much point in trying to do anything anymore. He thinks everyone else is right, I'm always wrong, doesn't care how it makes me feel, will watch me cry too and doesn't give a hoot. He has put me in humiliating situations and if he feels bad about it, you would never know. He just goes about his life like every day. And then he'll ask me what's wrong, like he just doesn't know.
I feel for you, I walk in your shoes. I don't think you can do too much, he is not going to change. You are lucky you have a mother that is there for you, I have no one. And my friends avoid me too, because of everything that has gone on. It is awful. It just makes you not want to go on anymore.
I'm not much help here, but if anything know that you are not alone in this. Good luck to you.
What abused people endure is so taxing on the spirit, the soul, the heart. What I've been working really hard on is self-care. I've been learning to care for myself and children (of course). Lots of affirmations, positive self talk.
I'm learning not to be so hard on myself, afterall, I've had a 15 year relationship with someone who has been trying to kick me down to nothing. I just take the simplest of things day by day. Even if you paint your nails, that is self care. Drinking enough water, eating right, trusting God, going for a short walk...all self care. It's something to be proud of. Where else will you get validation, kudos and kind words? :-)
I'm sorry that you don't get the support that you deserve from your family and friends. Alot of times families are in a big sea of denial. It's easier for them to just pretend like a loved one isn't suffering, that way they don't have to deal with it. Instead they become avoidant and give you advice on how to make their lives easier while you are stuck with an emotional paraplegic. No one can tell you what you are experiencing, only you know.
Also, don't forget that this forum is filled with people who care about you and want to support you. I feel really good about stumbling upon you all.
Its that they get a sense of control..From seeing you in pain.....
You ask....'What is happening when your mate has hurt your feelings to the point you are crying and shows not one ounce of remorse?'
What is happening..is that he is DELIBERATELY causing you emotional pain...and it is making him feel good!!
If i could go back in time with my abuser....I would refuse to show him one ounce of my pain....and of course..i would have left much sooner....
Yours must be on a high here..Hes got a good 30 days worth of pain out of you now...he must be feeling pretty good at this stage?...
No normal decent human being likes to think they are causing another one minute of pain....Except abusers...
Yours is heaping hurt on top of more hurt...They love to do that....Reaxting angrily when you want to tell them about how hurt they are making you feel...Denying it, and witholding more...and claiming you can just leave if you don't like it?....Huge further hurt heaped on hurt....Thats what they do.
Abuse has nothing to do with love..Its all about control.
Here you are dealing with a man who is actually enjoying your pain, and who is also enjoying the thought that you might be grounded without a car in the freezing winter..Even though that will also affect innocent children?...
He is also likely getting off on the thought of further isolating you?....Especially since you say already friends are now dropping away because of his abuse of you?...
Calm is right stargazer..Time to refuse to stay on this painfilled rollercoaster any longer....My ONLY regret...Is that I stayed much longer than I should have....I haven't one regret about leaving my abusers sorry ass ebhind for good though...I do also regret allowing him cause me pain and watch me in pain..just so that he could get off on it also?..
No wonder you feel emotionally ill....and worse still..he will keep going until you are...
He might suddenly turn around and give you a few crumbs to stop you leaving?..And might claim to change?...But he won't change..they don't....
What you are going through...has NOTHING to do with love...
When i realised that....I found it easy to let go...I hope you keep realising that too...
If he makes so much more money than you do, you have a legal right to child support.
I would keep this very quiet, though. And obviously not let him know what you're doing..
Thank you for commenting. I read and re-read all of the comments here. They are so validating for me.
Yesterday, after all of the abusive texts from Saturday telling me to just leave, or NOT co-signing for a car is his final answer, etc. He sent me a text that said, "Can we call a truce?" I wrote back and said, "A truce would mean that I'm at war. No truce necessary. I'm at peace with myself and with you for the sake of our children."
He wrote back and said, "That's all I ask." Yeah right! More gaslighting attempts. Generally, it has been me begging to not be hurt, asking him what's wrong and to please get help. This time, I could care less. This is the longest silent treatment I've ever endured without begging to be acknowledged. I think he knows this. I've not budged and don't intend to.
I know that leaving is a process and I'm ok with being patient. You and everyone else are so right in saying that it's time to get off the rollercoaster. I don't even ride them in real life even though they only last 5 minutes. I don't plan to ride an emotional one any longer. I'm tired and I deserve a better life even if I'm alone, at least I'll be with the person who cares the most and that is ME. Thanks again for your support and encouragement, it really helps!
I sought non for profit legal counsel. I got all the way to the point that the decree was written and ready to be filed and I, like a battered woman, asked him one more time for change. He accepted and I broke and found myself happier for about a year. We actually did date night, laughing and joking increased, he bought nice gifts, etc. But I was lying to myself because in between there were arguments that exhibited the same behaviors, and again, I'm at the same nasty fork in the road. He has relapsed all the way back to the nasty behavior 2 years ago. Not even a skip or a trot. He RAN back to the behavior all in a 30 day period.
Yes, he makes alot more than me. He would have to pay royally. I want to make a step toward this but I'm not ready yet. Frankly, I'm scared. I want to be prepared.
I will be sure to keep you all posted as this group provides me with great encouragement and support. I don't want to be trapped in this mess. I want a life of peace, tranquility, good credit, reliable cars, and healthy children. *hugs to you*
I wonder if your parents would co-sign for a new car for you? It could be your vehicle to freedom, to escape this man who abuses you so horribly.
Hang in there, hon, and keep your eyes on the prize of freedom and peace, for you and your kids.
My mom is my saving grace. Although she says she understands abuse and has experienced it before. She never got any REAL help and pushes for families staying together. She's very old school. However, she will support me in anything I do. I realize I am lucky to have her. She loves me and her grandchildren ALOT. If I need her to do it, she will without the blink of an eye. I'll be just fine. I just need to make the step. Just need to jump! It's coming. :-)