My stbx told me God had told him I was the woman for him. He promised to protect me ( as I had been sexually and verbally abused and bullied at school). My parents and family loved him and he was good looking. I wondered what he wanted with me I was so insecure. He had me thinking he adored me more than anything and that we would be together wil death us do part but he was abusive verbally and emotionally so I filed for divorce.

Met a guy recently and we got friendly. He wanted to know about something in my past and I didn't want to tell him. He said "if you care about me you will tell me" I thought ut oh! Red flag. See yah

Mine introduced himself with, "Hi! I'm asshole!" In an upbeat voice. I thought he was making a joke about the stereotype that all men are jerks. So, I shook his hand and laughed and told him that was a good one.

Apparently, he wasn't kidding.

I have had to abusers use both my childhood sexual abuse against me, pretending to care about me and want to help me, even offering to go to counselors with me. They have at first put the blame on the person that did it, and wanted to hurt that person or have them hurt. The latest person is that type, he knows people with his connections, he was going to have his throat slit, which I could not condone. That is not up to me to judge, I can only one day try to forgive, move on and find peace. Then later on they turn what hurts you most against you.
This latest one despises religion as his parents were Jehovahs witnesses, so he gets real angry about religion, although when we first got intimate, he gave me the God speech. Irony huh? He pushed me hard and I felt forced to be with him in that way and I cried after, he said " Don't feel ashamed, God meant for us to be together."
So Yes, when my boundaries are crossed and I hear a man mention that God destined for us to meet, be together or such..I run, and I do not look back.

I can't thank you enough for all of these posts! Littlekatya I'm not sure, but I think we might have dated the same guy! Haha!

I guess I want to think that my ex was just a big jerk the whole time, but I wouldn't have fallen for that. He had to do the nice things and say the nice things to continue to manipulate me so I would put up with his crap. Right? Because he could be so sweet and thoughtful and romantic...and that is the part that I miss. That is the part that makes me sad and wonder if I could have tried harder. He was such a victim of these other women he had dated that I just wanted to be that one woman that stayed true and showed him unconditional love. Hmmm...should have loved myself as much. At times I almost felt like I was addicted to him. Like I only mattered because I had him.

OMG Jillybean71, That gave me a grin...I needed to hear that. It is really not funny as he turned out to be one, but since your doing better now, in a sarcastic way, your humor is funny.

Mine told me I needed to hurry up and get tough, because he wanted to meet me soon, when I would only email him back and forth. Now after I see how capable he is of harming others, I get what he meant.

In the middle of an embrace,
my ex told me:

I just want to make you happy.


After the marriage I'd just ended,
a man wanting to make me happy
was such a novel and wondrous
idea. . . . he had me from that moment
on. Then, sometime in the next six
months, he said to me:

Teach me how to love.


IT WAS ALL A LIE.


That sixteen year marriage
was my doctorate-level thesis
on emotional abuse.

I think they are like an addiction at times. Maybe if we look at it that way and we take steps to break/beat that addiction and not be sucked back into it, we can overcome.

I do feel that if the person loves you they would of stayed true to what they showed you in the beginning and they would show the things that love in my mind anyway consists of and the abuser cannot fathom: Respect, kindness, equal treatement, compassion, honesty, loyalty, integrity and fairness.

My ex-husband was not so hot on me at first, but I really liked him. He was so over-the-top in many ways. We slept together fast (first date), he told me he loved me fast (within a couple of weeks) and we were married within 7 months. Red flags? Well, all of those things--over-the-top personality that basked in the warmth of my admiration and moving way too fast. Early on, he praised me for all sorts of things, how smart, how hard-working, how resourceful, etc., I was. By the end, he called me a f***ing idiot. And I didn't get less intelligent over 17 years. He did admire my qualities in a way, but only in the ways that they served him. And for what he learned from my personality that he could use to make himself more wonderful in the eyes of other people. That's ex-H.

My ex-bf from last year did the mirroring thing. If I felt an emotion, he felt it, too. If I was separated but not divorced yet, he was also (found out later that he was still with his wife and playing around on the side with me and others, apparently). If I wanted to kiss for hours, he would do it and never turn away or complain, which made me feel so loved. He always accepted me, was unfailingly kind and thoughtful. The red flags, which I noticed, but chose to ignore were him telling me he loved me very soon, huge holes in his stories about his daily life and his ability to turn my expressed doubts about him back around so they reflected on me. He was a slippery one.

I thought I learned everything I needed to know about avoiding these guys after I left my H, but they are all a little different, it's really tricky! Especially when you're starved for affection.