I met my ex when I was only 13 and my parents were finalizing their divorce. My mom was lashing out at my brother and I, and he was someone who liked me. He always treated me terribly in the eight years we were together, but my low self esteem made me think it was always my fault.

I was going through a divorce(my decision) after being married for 2 decades. I remember when I first met my EX N and at other times conciously thinking I was accepting things I never had or would've. I remember thinking it was OK to not be so "stuffy" as my marriage had been and thinking its good to not be so judgemental/be more accepting of people not like me. But...what I missed was that the core values need to be the same. Oh, he made me think they were in the beginning and by the time I realized they weren't I was already hooked/sucked in.

My first H I met when I was 17. He was charming, intelligent and fun. My mother was horribly abusive, my father on the other hand was the sane, calm, rational one. I now realise that he was also the reason my mother was as she was - in addition to being (apparently) sane, calm and rational, he was cunningly cruel and manipulative, and ever so good at the incredibly subtle (but constant) put down and gaslighting. And so I married a "good" man, just like my father.

When that relationship fell apart (he left me for another woman, with barely a backwards glance), instead of really healing and analysing what happened, I rushed into another relationship with a guy who seemed really sweet and almost childlike in his innocence. I felt that I had found someone very different from my ex, and I wasn't the "loser" being single while my ex happily moved on and got married again. But that guy turned out to be worse news than the first H. And so I repeated the pattern again, and when that relationship fell apart, I married a violent alcoholic (didn't know that when I married him).

I have now taken the time out, I believe I'm healing, I have worked on my self-worth and KNOW that I will never again accept abuse.

I have always been happy, social, flirty and adventourous.

My ex was gorgeous, charasmatic, had that way of making you feel like you were the only woman in the room, piercing blue eyes, wickedly smart, very attentive and adventourous....

An airline pilot that wisked me off everywhere, we rode motorcycles together, bought a sailboat.....Honestly, I thought I had met my dream man.......

Then, it fell apart. But he was so good at writing apology letters and opening that door again and again and again......

how did my abusive ex hook me in? he listened carefully and told me everything I wanted to hear, and acted like everything that he could tell I would want. he mirrored me, but was even nicer than I was. I remember starting to feel badly about myself because he was one thousand times nicer than I could ever be.

he was TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE.

and it wasn't until we'd been together 3 years, and I finally got pregnant that he let his true self come out. he fooled me for 3 years while he spun his web. very, very frightening to think that he could do that.

were there any red flags?

yes, very little ones, that coupled with his exemplary behaviour, just looked to me like minor bad details in an otherwise god-like man.

To be honest, I saw red flags from the start. But, those were red flags that the relationship may be short-lived, not red flags that she would be emotionally abusive - I just didn't understand what emotional abuse meant at the time. I liked that she was interesting, had an interesting life, was "different", carried herself well, dressed well but not provocatively, had lifestyle standards, had interests and hobbies not related to pop culture or television, and she had the coolest, kindest son in the world. If a mom can have a kid like that, for sure she has to know what she is doing, right?

I will also add that she has the most perfect posture I have ever seen, and has a calm, beautiful way of speaking (even when she is yelling she is not really yelling - unless she is drunk). Oh, and the sex was awesome for the first few months.

He hooked me with the "poor me" thing...his high school girlfriend had gone to a different college and cheated on him. How could I prove to him that I was better than her? It became a personal challenge.

Red flags were there from the beginning. Jealousy. Possessiveness. Telling me what I thought and felt. Hot and cold personality, sometimes within minutes of each other. We had some kind of chemistry though, and I became obsessesed. He promised to take care of me. I gave him 20 faithful years of my life, and most of the time, I blamed myself for his behavior. If I could just be a little better.....

The negative things were few and far between in the beginning, and just increased over the years, until I spent every waking moment scared of his anger and what he would do next.

I have to point out that my EX is now using the "poor me" act again to attract new victims, and it's working.

"oh poor me....I gave my wife this wonderful life and she just walked out on me...."

Jeannine, I love your puppy avatar!

When I met H I had recently left a R. My ex had been the type to completely ignore me--he would even fall asleep when I was talking to him...and he rarely gave me any attention--and then he was constantly watching porn, talking to other girls, even sleeping at girl's houses. Telling me he wished I exercised more and disliking any lingerie I wore (even though I was a curvy size 2).

And so when I met H, he gave me this blast of attention! It was like heaven.

He was super interested, kind, and he agreed with everything I said.

He complimented me and he smiled, and was really friendly.

He made jokes.

He was charming, and always opened doors for me. He loved camping and said he was interested in traveling.

He was strong and good looking...and really good at fixing things.

but mostly it was his undivided attention, and I had been so starved of any attention.

When we started dating he told me things like that I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen--that I was an inspiration to him.

That he didn't think he would ever get tired of being with me.

He even started taking an art class b/c I was interested in art, and he would exchange books with me--and we even read personal-growth books together....like "Women who run with the wolves."

So yeah, that's the hook. In other words, too good to be true.

Later, I've heard him tell me he could not care less if he never saw my face again. He's criticized my artistic nature so much I switched majors. He's criticized my clothing, everything about me. And my books--he hates them. He even hates Oprah....everything he once "loved" about me is now evidence of my worthlessness.

And he goes through spells where he doesn't talk to me. He refuses to go out with me, while he goes out with other friends...and the list could go on.

But man--CRAZY. He did this with his ex-gf too. He became a Christian, though he's an athiest--and started attending church with her. And the girl he was interested in next, he started going to music classes and singing in a choir, while she was a musician. Now I see he probably does this in the beginning, to hook them.

He really didn't have much of a hook. I was desperate to be loved. He wasn't even that nice from the start and didn't even seem that interested in the beginning. Then after the sex, he practically moved in right away. And said he loved me a week later. I guess some of the things he said like the communication seemed great. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. He seemed totally on the same page as me about honesty and cheating and wanting a real relationship. Said that he would never hurt me and I could trust him. Pretty muche everything that he wasn't. And didn't do throughout the whole relationship. Just spouted alot of bs.

yep rainyangel- I remember mine saying in the beginning "Im the most loyal guy you'll ever meet" LIAR! CHEATER! CONSTANT SNEAK! Oh he was loyal alright, loyal in the MONTHS of stalking me that got him thrown in prison! Too bad he wasn't that "loyal" when he had me and I wanted him!

I'm cautious of people who pour open about their lives and deepest problems right away and who expect you to do the same... If someone seems overly caring about my problems or insecurities that for me is a sign that they have bad intentions.

That was what attracted me to my abusive boyfriend - how much more caring he was about my life than other people were. But he was only so interested as he was looking for weaknesses and signs of how to manipulate me.

I think this post helps us all to see how each man gives us what we are looking for just to hook us in but then takes it away once they get us.
IN Littlekatya case, he really goes to extremes, but some will do that. I have dated men who seem to be able to mask so well, but can't wear it for very long at a time.
Sleepykitten makes a goodpoint as well, the last ex poured his heart out to me on the second or third date about his marriage and was crying about his life. It honestly had me on edge and I felt like I can't Not date him now, he has shared this with me. It is like they share and you feel obligated to share back..hard to explain.
As rainyangel and coffeecup say, they profess loyalty and love so soon and that they would never hurt you and it is almost as if they are telling you exactly the things they plan to do.

So true. Who they show us in the beginning is nothing like who they are a year later, or two or more if you stay. Each year they get worse and worse and not even a resembance of who they seemed to be. It's heartbreaking to think you know a man, love him and for all that to be ended up in confusion and heartache.
Mine did similiar things being really loving, romantic and would spend tons of time with me, respecting me..... to little by little hurting me until he didn't care how badly he began to treat me.

I stayed because I knew how wonderful it was in the beginning, I wanted it back soooo much.....He just wouldn't be good to me again.