Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm moving across the world in a few weeks to be with my abusive boyfriend. We were going through the "honeymoon" stage at the time. Anyway, he's been at it again with is abusive tactics.(no surprise, I should've known by now it would return!) I was really upset, needless to say. I can't imagine flying on a plane for 24hrs to be with him and having this horrible pit in my stomach. So I took the time to send him a heartfelt e-mail. I was very careful with my words. I felt like he needed to know how I feel and perhaps he would attempt to work things out before I go. When I talked to him on the phone, I asked him what he thought of my e-mail. He said that he read the first few sentences and stopped reading it. He said he's going through alot of stress at the moment with his career and he doesn't want anymore stress. He thinks that I should be more considerate of his feelings when he is going through a stressful time. This just killed me inside. What about my feelings and my stress?! My stress and anxiety is because of him! I don't know how I am supposed to support him with his stress when he won't even acknowledge mine? I feel so terrible right now. :-(
I would really think hard about going if I were you. I totally agree that once your their it would be a lot harder to get out of it if you had too.
I don't think that it matter how hard a time he is having or how stressful that doesn't give him the right to treat you like that at all.If he has done it before he will more likely than not do it againand if your in a different country you might not have anyone you can go to if things get really bad.I would perhaps talk to him about the way you feel and if he gets aggresive or abusive then you have to decide if that is something you would like to live with in a strange counrty surrounded by people you don't know.
why did he leave to go there in the first place?
His family are his problem - not yours, he needs to get help for himself if he is that bothered. You need to take care of yourself, moving away from your support network is the worst thing you could possibly do - I know I did it!
Can you delay moving for a while, that way you are giving yourself some breathing space without actually cutting the ties, which at the moment I don't think you can. Whilst you are taking that time out spend some time on you, find out who you are and then if you still want to move do so. You are a wonderful and caring person and too good for this situation, please keep talking to your friends and take care of yourself for a change. Hugs, Viv XXXXX
I really feel for you, this is such a hard situation to be in. Your love and care for this person aren't matched in the way they treat you. For your own well being, I think you need to stay where you have the most support, not moving across the world with someone who tells you to shut up when you are trying to confide in him to save the relationship. If he's more worried about being stressed than being there for you, then he deserves to be alone. I think Vivienne has a good idea, delay making the decision to move until you are stronger. Because once you move, you become even more isolated and trapped, because you are so much further away from support, and its such a financial blow to have to move again to get away from him and rebuild your life. Can you try and open up to your family about how he treats you? You shouldn't have to do this alone, there's nothing worse than putting on the "I'm fine" face when you're dying inside. I'm hoping your friends/family will be able to support you. It sounds like he's trying to manipulate you by pressuring you to cave and look after him, when he's been neglecting or abusing you.
Please take care of yourself, you truly deserve better than him.
*Hugs* Em xo
Please ask yourself the following questions:
Can I REALLY live a joyous and peaceful life with this man?
Is he REALLY likely to change?
Has he EVER put me first?
What's the worst thing that could happen if I go and what's the worst thing that could happen if I don't go?
Which location will offer the most safety, support, family, friends, job opportunities, etc?
What do I REALLY WANT? (i.e. the reality or fantasy of this man)
Do I realize that I cannot be complete or completed by another person? A very wise therapist once told me that in order to live successfully with another person, we first have to live successfully with ourselves. She meant that we have to love and accept ourselves, thereby feeling & being complete within. Otherwise we will likely never find happiness, joy or peace with another person.
Which would be worse, to stay where you are now and start over or to be alone in a foreign country with an abusive person? Will you will have any rights or anyone to protect you?
And finally, Do I have an escape plan? Do I have enough resources (money, access to a car, one way ticket out of the country, etc.) to leave if things don't get better?
I know you are in the middle of making the most important decision of your life. Please, please, please at least postpone going...you can always go later, but please don't go now when you feel so terrible.
((((((Angel))))))
01] The right to goodwill from your partner.
02] The right to emotional support.
03] The right to be heard by your partner and to be responded to with courtesy.
04] The right to have your feelings and experiences acknowledged as real and valid.
05] The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern you.
06] The right to live free from criticism and judgment.
07] The right to live free from accusation and blame.
08] The right to encouragement.
09] The right to live free from emotional and physical threat.
10] The right to be respectfully asked, rather then "ordered."
11] The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.
How does he fare with this list??...Guess hes no use on number 4?...
You deserve better..Revpattys so right...Please be so careful..as once you're there..you might never manage to reverse your decision?
Sweetie, please, if you don't like yourself now, I promise you that you will like yourself even less if you go. It's what some call a self fulfilling promise/prophecy.
Of course I don't know the whole story, but these two questions keep nagging me: If he loves you so much, why is he asking you to come to him when he knows how much this is distressing you? And, why won't he come to you?
Have you asked yourself
Do you trust this guy or do you WANT to trust him? Is he, in fact, trustworthy?
Why you are willing to give up everything and risk your physical and emotional safety to be with him?
WHAT are your expectations once you get there and are they REALISTIC?
Please, please take some time and write a good bye letter as if you decided not to go. Say good bye to the ALL of the things you will miss about him & your relationship....good AND bad. Then set it aside for a day or two, then read it as if you are reading something someone else wrote. What would you advise that person after ready what she wrote?
Do you have access to a therapist with whom you could discuss this? It might help to have someone in person who is objective.
Angel, I know this is such a difficult and life changing decision. Please take some time, don't rush into this. Honestly, I truly believe that the only way you will be able to find and rediscover the wonderful person you are is to NOT go to him - at least not now or even in 11 days. I'm afraid that if you go, you will have an even harder time getting you back than you are now.
((((((Angel))))))