Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was speaking to a mentor about my ex, and how to heal.
Some things about my ex. When he was angry, he said:
"Whatever. I'm done. I don't even care anymore."
"I'm afraid to have kids with you. You're mentally immature for marriage."
"You can take your ego elsewhere I can find someone else to love me." (When I didn't call him because he said something rude. He got upset I didn't call him bc he felt ignored).
"You're messed up."
After an argument he once said:
"You're batshit crazy."
"You know you're stupid right?"
After these statements he would hang up, calls back and says "I love you so much. Put water on the fire--don't defend yourself. Don't let me embarrass myself." And "Promise you won't leave me? Do you still love me? I'm a broken man." And "I got you a gift."
My ex was under immense stress from work when he said all these things to me. He did this twice since engagement.
My mentor said the things people say when they are angry is NOT emotional abuse. Is that true? I feel terrible for judging him then based off these two incidents.
Some things about my ex. When he was angry, he said:
"Whatever. I'm done. I don't even care anymore."
"I'm afraid to have kids with you. You're mentally immature for marriage."
"You can take your ego elsewhere I can find someone else to love me." (When I didn't call him because he said something rude. He got upset I didn't call him bc he felt ignored).
"You're messed up."
After an argument he once said:
"You're batshit crazy."
"You know you're stupid right?"
After these statements he would hang up, calls back and says "I love you so much. Put water on the fire--don't defend yourself. Don't let me embarrass myself." And "Promise you won't leave me? Do you still love me? I'm a broken man." And "I got you a gift."
My ex was under immense stress from work when he said all these things to me. He did this twice since engagement.
My mentor said the things people say when they are angry is NOT emotional abuse. Is that true? I feel terrible for judging him then based off these two incidents.
We often take the blame of the relationship on our shoulders as nurturers because we feel if we can fix ourselves, be more calm and patient, we can fix our partner, and then fix the relationship. That we can bend in the beginning, and then our partner will bend too, and we can grow together. And we think their "brokenness" is our responsibility, and when you leave you feel so immensely selfish, so bereft of compassion, because you went against your very nature, the essence of you--to help, to be loyal, to be kind and forgiving.
I recently read somewhere that abuse is what we ALLOW. That if one is more firm, creates more clear boundaries, we don't allow people to take advantage of us.
Do you think if I was more firm, more assertive, that he wouldn't have taken advantage of my flexibility? Are all men like this--take advantage of flexibility?
Then the boundaries issue. No, I don't subscribe to the idea that we teach people how they treat us, though I do believe we can teach people what we will and won't accept. The idea that it was your flexibility, your willingness to please, even your willingness to continue to try to "fix" him was the cause of his abuse is wrong. His abuse is caused by his willingness to abuse. What having stronger boundaries will do for you is that, right at the beginning, someone like him is more likely to walk away to find someone without strong boundaries or, if he doesn't, you will walk away from someone who is not willing to respect your boundaries.
Abuse isn't something that all men do to "weak" women. It's not even gendered - there are women who are abusive also. Abuse is not caused by the victim. In addition to your taking on responsibility for your ex's feelings, you are taking on responsibility for his actions. You are not to blame here. Yes, you need to work on boundaries and on respecting yourself enough to never allow anyone to trample them again, but you need to do that for you, it won't change anyone else. You didn't make him do this, you didn't make him who he is. He is solely responsible for his emotions and for his actions.