""""""""""""""Put water on the fire. Just apologize, understand me, comfort me. Cool me down. I'm like Hulk...you have to learn to calm me down baby, instead of trying to explain your side because that makes me angrier and don't make me embarrass myself and say something I regret.""""""""""""""""


If you shared nothing else about
him but this quote, pretty much
all of us here would end up
saying to you. . . . . . .

RRRRUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


YOU are NOT
responsible for
his emotions.

HE IS.

Oh, and by the way. . . . .

"""""""""""You know you're stupid right?""""""""""""""""


This is abominable verbal abuse.


Don't feel terrible
for judging him based
on those two or any
number of incidents.
CONGRATULATE yourself
on having ESCAPED!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you llenw. Your posts always help me.

If you don't mind, could you list out some of the "classic" textbook instances of abuse my ex used? Just so I can go back and read them and have a clear understanding of what is anger vs what is abuse, and how I could not have helped him/been more patient?
I know that may be a lot to ask, I'm sorry.

Bottom line is that, as Ilene said, it's not your job to manage his emotions, that's his job. As for his comments when you ended it that you should have talked to him - you DID talk to him when he upset you, and you were told that you must not defend yourself or explain your side of things, you just have to apologise to him for "making" him be horrible to you. That's not anger, that's not you causing anything, that's not you "letting" him treat you badly, that's him treating you badly and refusing to allow you any kind of discussion about how you feel or what you meant or anything at all. That's him holding you solely responsible, not only for your own emotions and actions, but for his as well. And that is abuse.

Another one that shows it's abuse clear and simple is his "apology". He upsets you and says horrible things to you, and then his "apology" is all about HIM and how his being awful to you ruins HIS day. Well ya know what, if his yelling at you ruins his day ... how bout he just doesn't do it. Problem solved. Except that it doesn't ruin his day, it ruins yours. What has the potential to ruin his day is being held accountable - but he never let that happen.

I understand that you are bonded, I understand that you miss the good times. But please, trust yourself and your own emotions. Those things he said hurt, and he had no right to say them to you and then hold you accountable for his actions and his feelings.

Thank you Livndadrem for your insight. I've never deliberately hurt anyone so when it ended and he cried, saying I betrayed him and I led him on and then broke his heart and his trust, it broke me, killed me inside. I couldn't get out of bed the whole day, I was so shocked, because I kept thinking, "What a terrible, cruel hearted person am I?"

And when I sent my closure email, apologizing for misunderstandings and that I was praying for him he said something that again, made me realize I shot myself in the foot. He said, "I wish you would have talked to me. I could have changed and we could have made it work. But you broke my trust and broke my heart and you hurt not only my family but yours as well with these false hopes of what could have been. But I forgive you. Best of luck with your future endeavors."
:/
It was that subtle blame. That he wasn't using "jerk" language, but that sugarcoated knife--that "I forgive you for stabbing me" and I am the one left picking up the pieces.

Hopefully I'll overcome this "bonding" soon.

I am glad you can see through this BS.
It's like he is saying : you could have made the ""right"" choice, but you did what you wanted to and now I am punishing you...
The truth is that there is not right choice with a manipulative abuser only abuse cycle.
You stating your feelings and your wishes should not hurt his dignity. He should have been happy for you that you are strong and standing up for yourself.

Wow yes Sidi...spot on that is what he would do. Wow. Yes.
He would give me a choice and if I chose the "wrong" one I would listen to his degrading frustration. And then when I would become upset--I'm too sensitive and he is "afraid" of my immaturity.

Over such trivial things. For example my mom was making my wedding dress--this was decided in the beginning. His mom was making all the other outfits, and yet she still wanted to make my wedding dress. He brought it up at the end and said "Hey you can't imagine how hurt my mom is that she can't make your dress, when we go wedding shopping I'll be sure to hide her gaze from the bridal shops because of the pain she is undergoing. If you want I can pick up the dress, so my mom is happy. Or you can let it come from your mom, whichever works. Your choice."
When I told him nicely Id prefer it came from my mom he blew up, guilt tripping and calling me selfish and "wipe your butt with the cloth" and "whatever I don't care anymore." And then he called back. He noticed I had been crying and he asked why--he could not remember his anger. Then he sighed and said "If only you were crying bc you missed me, not bc I hurt you. Alright (sigh) tell me what did I do to you. Why were you crying my love? Come on, what's wrong?" As if I was a burden. And this is when he brought up that hulk comment, and that I should have just understood him and apologized and to tell his mom on the wedding day that I wished she would have made it he dress.
That is when I decided to tell my parents and end this. If there was so much heat over a dress, which honestly I could care less about, what would have happened when we would have to make life decisions--large decisions that affect our children for example? I would have no voice. He already was isolating me and saying I could not visit my family if they had a negative influence on me, they would have no voice in my life decisions after marriage, and his parents would be my new parents.

Apologies for the venting, this really helped. Thank you. This community truly is a blessing in so many ways.

He is insensitive. She is your mom and wants to be a part of your special day. He should have explained that to his mother, not get angry at you,

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/04/16/3-reasons-you-cant-win-with-a-narcissist/

He seems like the very aggressive type to me and very emotionally unstable. You are lucky he left you alone.
Types like him will be much happier with someone like them who is also willing to obey to everything they say.

Thank you rosered and sidi. Yes you're right. It was aggressive. I think he was broken--not intentionally abusive but he had a script he was used to and used that to dominate and demand what he wants, sometimes using guilt/manipulation, and sometimes through anger. And he would feel guilty but his self image/ego meant more to him than even me in the end. When my parents called to end things and gave reasons, he said I was a liar and I twist stories for my own benefit. When my parents said they had his texts in front of them, he stated "texts can be fabricated and taken out of context" and that is when my parents understood the depth of his crazy-making and manipulation--he would make you doubt your own truths and make you believe red is green and green is red using such crafty wording. He had an art of convincing. Fluctuating between anger and INTENSE love and all the while you feel yourself unwinding, letting go, and yet still oddly attracted.

Thank you for helping me. I pray this trauma bonding subsides soon.

He sounds like a con man.
This helped me a lot:
""A confidence trick (synonyms include confidence scheme, scam and stratagem) is an attempt to defraud a person or group after first gaining their confidence, used in the classical sense of trust. Confidence tricks exploit characteristics of the human psyche such as dishonesty, honesty, vanity, compassion, credulity, irresponsibility, navet and greed."" (from wikipedia).

"Mentor?" What does that mean, anyway? That person sounds like a schmuk.

Just wondering- this sounds like an ethnic marriage situation... was it arranged? It just doesn't sound like a regular situation to me...

But no matter what, you really dodged a bullet by not marrying him.

I am breathing a sigh of relief for you!

He complained of your "false hopes of what could have been" as a problem? Your false hopes of a loving partnership and lifetime commitment to each other? Wow, that's an eye opener from him.

And yes the wedding dress thing was incredibly manipulative - you are very wise to have spotted that there would, over time, have simply been no room for you ever to make your own choices or to ever allow your family a role in your life. Because it always would have been "but what about what MY family wants". There's often a tension between family and in-laws in a marriage, and that's something that needs to be sorted between the couple, with sensitivity towards both families. Not something that ever would have happened in your marriage, had you gone through with it.

Keep working through these things, keep looking to see them as they are, see him as he is. It will help break the bond. You don't have to see him as a horrible person, because I'm quite sure that, much of the time, he wasn't. Whether he's horrible, deeply flawed, damaged, whatever way you want to see him - he wasn't good to or for you. He didn't or couldn't allow you to have your own feelings, hopes, dreams or wishes, all had to come from him. And whether it's deliberate or subconscious or a bit of both, it's abuse and it's toxic to you.

Sidi, I started therapy today. Which helped a lot. My therapist said he was histrionic, had a personality disorder, was slightly narcissistic, and had bipolar tendencies--and I didn't even tell her half my story. I was floored. I feel so bad for him, but yes you are right Livendadrem, he would have pulled me down. Love cannot cure all--they're wrong when they say that, because his love was a distorted definition. It was abusive--whether he realized it or not.
There is a saying that sometimes people bring out the worst in others when they do not mesh well, which initially I thought was the case here. But I think this guy seriously needs help before he pursues another relationship. Because all the nasty things he would say to me was in essence a projection of him, and this is something his family knew too since they were pushing for the wedding to be as early as possible. And when it ended his mother said I was "mentally unstable" which is why I confided in my parents, not her beloved son. It is beyond personality differences, it is a chemical imbalance :( I wish him well.
Hi DeliAnnem :) Yes we are both from different cultures, but it was not arranged. He was my best friend before engagement. After engagement, particularly during the logistical planning of the wedding, he transitioned and became immensely controlling and vulgar--as if I was a facet of him rather than my own person.

I miss him, I wish things were different, I wish I could have helped him. I wish many things. But these thoughts must subside in order for me to move on I realize. I'm looking forward to my therapy sessions. Wish me luck.

Livendadrem, yes you are right about the weight of his family versus my own. He lived in a joint family system--his parents, his brother and his wife and daughter, and him. So his perception of marriage was me being plucked from my family rather than a marriage of two families. He mentioned he doesn't like that I am attached to my family and said "You have to stop being emotionally dependent on your family and come to me" and also said "My parents will be your new parents...you will eventually care for them more than your own parents--it is natural." He expected me to call his parents because marriage is of two families, but very rarely called mine, and if he did it was only when I ask him to.
He has called my brother weird as well, and called my dad too carefree, and my mom a hypocrite. I have never disrespected his family.
When I brought it up he became very defensive and says "Everything I do is disrespect to your family...."

And in respect to my dreams and wishes--my desire to pursue my MA became secondary and a burden. He controlled the finances and so he became passive aggressive about my education by saying "So, who is going to pay for your MA?" What an embarrassing, degrading question, and yet he said "Maybe you can inspire me to go to law school." I was to be the mother of his children and his emotional caregiver, that was it. And I was to wear what he approved of.
His words: "Have you ever been to a salon? Thought so. Baby you should go and then you'll see what you have the potential of looking like."
"You have raw beauty that needs to be chiseled."
"I noticed last week the back of your dress was dragging in the rain."
"Your back is arched when you walk."
"You need to learn to walk in heels....I noticed you were uncomfortable."
"I'll teach you how to properly put makeup on."
"Flowy clothes make you look shorter."
"Spouses should match. Since I am taller, can you please wear heels? I don't want to look so much older than you."
"You wear too many layers. I want you to wear more fitted jeans. Why do you wear blanket-like clothing?" (I have a Bohemian taste. He said "that can change." And I needed to dress more professionally and maturely.)
"I want to show you off to the world. No...I'm being serious."

He was a man of intensity. Intense love/care but with that bullying and manipulation and control and verbal abuse.

Everything happens for a reason.

re: response #29


yyyyyyyyiiccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


You wrote:

He was a man of intensity. Intense love/care but with that bullying and manipulation and control and verbal abuse.


Sorry t.h. --------

Abuse isn't love.

Everything you've shared
about what he said and did
was abuse. . . . . NOT love.

Please take good care
of yourself.