Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was speaking to a mentor about my ex, and how to heal.
Some things about my ex. When he was angry, he said:
"Whatever. I'm done. I don't even care anymore."
"I'm afraid to have kids with you. You're mentally immature for marriage."
"You can take your ego elsewhere I can find someone else to love me." (When I didn't call him because he said something rude. He got upset I didn't call him bc he felt ignored).
"You're messed up."
After an argument he once said:
"You're batshit crazy."
"You know you're stupid right?"
After these statements he would hang up, calls back and says "I love you so much. Put water on the fire--don't defend yourself. Don't let me embarrass myself." And "Promise you won't leave me? Do you still love me? I'm a broken man." And "I got you a gift."
My ex was under immense stress from work when he said all these things to me. He did this twice since engagement.
My mentor said the things people say when they are angry is NOT emotional abuse. Is that true? I feel terrible for judging him then based off these two incidents.
Some things about my ex. When he was angry, he said:
"Whatever. I'm done. I don't even care anymore."
"I'm afraid to have kids with you. You're mentally immature for marriage."
"You can take your ego elsewhere I can find someone else to love me." (When I didn't call him because he said something rude. He got upset I didn't call him bc he felt ignored).
"You're messed up."
After an argument he once said:
"You're batshit crazy."
"You know you're stupid right?"
After these statements he would hang up, calls back and says "I love you so much. Put water on the fire--don't defend yourself. Don't let me embarrass myself." And "Promise you won't leave me? Do you still love me? I'm a broken man." And "I got you a gift."
My ex was under immense stress from work when he said all these things to me. He did this twice since engagement.
My mentor said the things people say when they are angry is NOT emotional abuse. Is that true? I feel terrible for judging him then based off these two incidents.
Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter what mood the perpetrator was in when they made abusive remarks, because they still do the same amount of damage.
Being angry doesn't give someone the right to be abusive towards others. Period.
That's the definition of abuse.
The good days are how they suck you into a relationship. If an abuser was awful all of the time, no one would ever get involved with one. We'd put them in institutions.
Think about it this way: If your ex only hit you when he was under work stress and angry, would that make it okay? Would you look at your bruises and think, hmm, well he was just angry, it's not abuse? Of course not. Well the bruises from emotional abuse are just as real, you just can't see them. He's hitting with his words. Don't make excuses for his behavior. Don't allow someone to harm you this way. You deserve to be cared for and treated appropriately.
Even once is enough just like no one sane will say that somebody has to beaten more than twice to establish abuse.
He is a grown man and he should be able to control himself or ask for help to control himself.
I did experience mentors/ therapists trying to ""put things in perspective" and defined abuse for me or even make me feel guilty for saying it. It is very important to get guidance from a place you are validated and supported.
""Don''t defend yourself"" for him not to feel bad sounds very creepy to me. Your barriars and boundaries are washed up like this.
Maybe this link about crazy making behavior will help - http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/ten-examples-crazy-making-relationships.html
Saying that, the proof if you like is in how he reacted afterwards, when he was no longer angry. Did he feel bad for what he had said in the heat of anger? Did he say it was all untrue and he's so very sorry? Nope. Just told you what YOU have to do to avoid him feeling "embarrassed", told you not to defend yourself against his untrue and very hurtful accusations, justified what he said, twisted it into him showing "concern" when there was nothing at all in his "angry" words that showed any such concern, denied or minimised. All those reactions prove that, whether he was angry or not when he said the nasty stuff, whether anger could ever be a justification or not for such horrible things to be said - it's still abuse.
I understand that accepting
that we find ourselves (or that
we stayed too long), in an
abusive relationship is really
hard and the last thing in the
world we want to do. It can
take a while. We may want
to go back and forth and not
want to believe that what we
know is true, is true.
Everything you describe/described
in this and other threads are
textbook, CLASSIC indicators
of abusive behavior.
(Sorry, but this mentor is
sadly and totally
off base.)
Your ex was abusive.
(And stress at work
is NOT a license to
be abusive!!!!!!!)
The sooner you see it
and accept if for what
it is, the sooner you
have a chance at
constructing a
healthier and
happier life
for yourself.
Sending you hugs
and prayers for
clarity and strength.
I just keep thinking, perhaps it wasn't so bad and I misjudged his strong personality for abuse.
I wasn't patient enough.
I knew he was sensitive, I shouldn't have ignored him when he was rude to me I should have talked it out
He is such a caregiver in our community and extremely selfless, people describe him as having a golden heart, I must be the wrong one.
These are the thoughts that I keep having.
I miss the relationship. His good was so good. He was my best friend. Yes his anger was emotional. It I keep thinking...why wasn't I more assertive? I let him do that to me. I wonder, do we "allow" people to take advantage of us? Like he saw my flexibility and thought I honestly didn't care...I wasn't vocal enough?
Because when it ended, like I mentioned in a previous post, he said "Why didn't you talk to me? I could have changed! Because of your immaturity you reacted and got our parents involved and let this spiral out of control when we could have handled this like adults between us--you broke this. The next guy that comes around it will be the same problem and you will realize that you have a problem you need to fix, but hopefully you learned something before the next guy comes around."
Nothing was more abusive and painful for me than trying to convince others that I have been abuse and get them to help me, this is when I felt victimized most(by society and professionals). I hope you find someone good to help you process this.
When he would say these things he would call back and say he does feel bad, and "Do you think I like yelling at my best friend? It sucks. I hate it. Ruins my day." But he says I just need to learn, and he honestly meant those things, for my own good. He once asked permission to speak sexually. I gave him permission once but after that I felt really uncomfortable, esp when he asked to see my chest size, so I asked him nicely to wait until after marriage. He said "you brought it up and now you're going back on your word? You're so mentally immature for marriage. I'm so afraid to have children with you...I am afraid of your mentality. You're physically ready but not emotionally ready. You know why you had so many guys interested in you before and none of them worked out? It had nothing to do with anything except for the fact that they realized you are so mentally immature." And when he called back he said he felt bad but he will be patient with me, it was unjust for him not to teach me, and I have a lot of learning I need to do.
Btw the guys that asked for me through my parents--I never talked to them. My ex was very insecure I have had proposals in the past, and this is how he justified it and covered up his insecurity--that I was mentally immature and that's why they never worked, and implied he was the only one who was patient enough to put up with my immaturity. And "there is no guy out there like me...I'm the most chill guy you will find."
Question, a bit off topic, but does anger reveal the true colors of people?
When the anger is genuine, it's spontaneous and people say a lot of truth, but when it's fake in order to intimidate and control someone they manipulate and lie.