Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Yesterday I get home from a trip. My dad motions me into his room and says we need to talk (in a calm voice). He told me they've been getting phone calls from my church several times thought the day. He and I sat and calmly talked (no yelling) back and forth. He told me I wasn't being abused. I was fishing for attention from others. I overreacted and made stuff up. I also found out I'm on the borderline of asburghers disease. My dad told me several times during our talk he loves me very much. Now I'm grounded for 2 weeks. I'm also supposed to cut off communications with NotMyself1. And never talk to her again. :( I believe that it was either my youth minister or church counselor who called my parents. My boyfriend is furious!!!! I'm numb.
I understand many people may have never had to deal with "the system" or ever had to go through all the "red tape" or have ever been kicked to the curb because there is "no room". "no money"
Most people don't realize how difficult it is to get help. If it were so easy then why do so many sick and homeless people live in the street? The hardest hit in the recession are the poor.
So where does she go for all this free therapy?
A medical therapist has to by law keep anything said confidential. School counselors or people in the church should by ethics not discuss what you ask them not to tell your parents unless they think you may harm yourself or someone else. You are 18 and considered an adult. Keep that in mind in the future so as to remind people you are not looking to be treated like a child.
Hopefully someone here will try to help you find counseling as it really would help set you on the right path.
Trust me....trust other adults trying to guide you or other young people who read these posts. Many people on DS have been through similar situations. Many realize how it may have an affect on you in your future. It doesn't matter if you are hit everyday or called names and punished for unfair reasons. It is abuse and it is taking its toll on you.
You have been going around and around about this issue for awhile. The only way to resolve things is to take action. You have your whole life ahead of you, take control of it.
I know it is difficult to be stepping into adulthood and being responsible for yourself. As, long as you live at home you need to follow house rules and have respect for your parents.
All teens want freedom and independence. Many think they can live off their parents and just lay on the beach all day and party all night. Most parents will not agree to that. Parents and teens have different perspectives of independence. Parents often are trying to keep their kids safe, off drugs and out of jail.
Your parents may not be mature, or at least your mother. They say at what ever age one started drinking or drugging that is the age they stop growing psychologically. I have seen that in my siblings that spent decades being abusers and how they abandoned or neglected their kids. It was difficult to see someone with the mentality of a 12 or 16 year old raising children. There are 3 substance abusers in my family of my siblings.
Learning coping mechanisms might help you to deal with your parents. Local libraries or online resources may suggest ways to react to drunken outbursts. There is an old saying, "never try to reason with a drunk"
Anything you can do for yourself to learn and grow will be beneficial to your future. Tell yourself you will do something positive today. Check out summer jobs. Go to the library. read about alcoholism. Check out resources available to you in the community. Find friends in Alateen that get what you are going through.
You will feel better about yourself and feel in control of your life by doing something positive.
One is that (having been
on both sides of the system,
a survivor without great
finances and a mental
health professional),
it's not easy to find
free counseling. . . . .
but it's out there.
Two is that many of us
here were not behind
v.w. reaching out to her
youth minister. This was
not because we believed
this person to be anything
bad, but because it would
seem unlikely that v.w.'s
youth minister would have
had the education, training,
certification and experience
to deal with this young
woman's specific issues.
When the result of v.w.'s
reaching out came down
badly, it was not a surprise
to those of us who had
advised against this
choice. Since then,
v.w. expresses that,
because of this experience,
she now trusts no one.
Three. . . . . the process of
moving from childhood into
adulthood is seldom easy
and virtually never happens
the day after a person's 18th
birthday. For a survivor of a
dysfunctional family-of-origin,
that transition is all the more
complex and challenging.
It's hardly a surprise that
v.w. is experiencing and
expressing so much fear
and a reluctance to oppose
her abusers (sadly. . . . her
biological parents).
v.w. . . . . . I've been talking
"about" the situation and
responses. Now I'm talking
TO you. . . . . . . . .
I genuinely understand
everything you're feeling.
I totally understand that
coming from where you've
been, and how you've been
treated and how you've
been "parented" . . . . .
it's excruciatingly hard for you
to take the next step.
The next step for you is to,
at your own pace and in
your own manner, inch
your way towards being
more independent.
That's the developmental
task that faces you, at this
point in your life. You've
finished childhood. You're
done with that. What was
right about it was right.
What was wrong is now
in the histroy books.
The end of your high school
education can be counted
down in weeks, now.
What are your plans for
the year that follows your
graduation? Are you going
to be going to college? Are
you going to be finding a job?
You're on the horizon of
the rest of your life. What
do you see for yourself,
going forward? What
do you WANT?
If you were to continue
with school, even a local,
"junior" college. . . . there
would be a counseling office
(that's usually covered within
the tuition).
If you go to work, you'll be
able to develop skills you'll
need for the rest of your life.
If you contact your local
women's resource center,
they might be able to help
you sort out any number
of questions, including
finding free or low-cost
counseling, maybe
finding a job, and
who knows what
else.
I hope you'd consider
looking into that.
(The number is:
(573) 634-4161.)
This:
(573) 751-4815
is the number for
your state's
social services.
This:
(573) 751-9691
is your state's
department of
labor. They
may be able
to help you
find a good
job.
Sending you huge hugs
and prayers for all good things.
Take good care.
that social services can't
do anything for you, now.
In the first part of my response
I was addressing the question
of getting free counseling.
It's not "wrong" of you not to
trust adults, because your
parents and someone else
have done you wrong. But,
in my opinion, it's a mistake.
It would be like someone saying:
You can't trust any of those
teenagers today. They're
all . . . . . . . . (fill in the blank) ----
because one teenager
turned up in the media
as a loser. It would be
neither true, nor fair.
Same thing for adults.
I hope you won't make
that mistake. You could
miss out on a lot of
incredibly valuable
support.
Hugs, Sweetie.
Take good care
of yourself.
I can't give you
guarantees.
But I think you're
missing the bigger
point, (and I totally
understand how
and why).
From what you've shared
with us, about things your
parents have done to, not
just you, but to all your
siblings. . . . . . they are
potentially CRIMINALS.
Feeding alcohol to a baby
is CRIMINAL, not to mention
all the other incidents of
abuse.
So, first of all, maybe your
siblings would be safer
someplace other than
with your abusive parents
who have put you all in
DANGER.
Second, you are an adult.
In other responses, I've
talked about that, a little.
I understand, that you
haven't yet made the
shift from viewing your
parents as all-powerful
dictators, to two flawed
people who made babies
and did what they knew how
to do, but were never actually
responsible parents.
Making that shift doesn't
happen when you blow
out the candles on your
eighteenth birthday. For
some people, it comes
earlier. For some, it
comes later. For some. . .
much later. For a few,
it never comes at all.
The day that happens,
a person may feel
somewhat sad. It's
like when Toto pulls
away the curtain, and
the crusaders see that
Oz the Great and Powerful
is really a silly, aging, guy
pulling levers to send up
pyrotechnics and intimidating
threats through the loudspeakers.
We're no longer under the
illusion that our parents
control the moon and stars.
At that moment, we acknowledge
that they're really just people. . . .
sometimes more flawed than
other people, sometimes able
to be kind and caring, sometimes
able to be responsible, sometimes
not able to even take care of
themselves.
And we acknowledge that
we are now our own
caretakers, that as
adults, we are now
responsible for OURSELF.
We have to accept that
whatever our parents
did or didn't do, the
rest of our life depends
on what WE do or
don't do.
We also get to enjoy
all the privileges and
rewards of now being
our own person.
Those are the pros
and cons of arriving
at adulthood. It's a
process. I realize
that. It was certainly
a process for me. I
didn't wake up at 18
ready to be the same
kind of woman that
I'm able to be now,
as I leave the ranks
of the middle-aged.
But talking with the
right professionals
can help you navigate
that journey. I hope
you will. You are
going to be a
magnificent woman.
With the right support,
your journey will be a
splendid one.
asked by survivors of abuse.
You've asked those
same questions
over and over.
We've answered
those questions
over and over.
Not only is what
you've described
abuse, some of
what you've shared
are instances of
criminal behavior.
Sadly, you're not
imagining abuse
or "making it up."
You would likely
benefit greatly
by connecting
and working with
a qualified professional
clinician.
We hope you will.
(The people at school
or, once you've graduated,
social services. . . . might
be able to help you with that.)
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.
want to believe that it's true
you're being abused.
I understand that you
don't want to believe
that your father could
be anything but a
protective, loving
father.
It's a shame that you
have to be wrestling
with this awful set of
circumstances at your
very young age. . . .
but it's not YOUR
shame. The shame
belongs to your
parents.
I hope that you'll practice
self-care, (which would
include some of the
suggestions, many
of us here have
shared with you).
Here's something else
you can do. I've developed
an exercise which I've named
the Clarifying Index Card
exercise. I developed it
to help me break through
the fog of abuse and
clearly determine if
what was happening
to me at the time, was
abuse or something or
if the problem was in
my head. (While I use
index cards for this
exercise, it can be
done on a single
page as a list. Using
index cards adds some
benefits that a list on a
page doesn't.)
I'll bump the exercise.
If you have no place
to keep the stack of
cards in a secure
place, for your eyes
only, don't do the
exercise.
The Clarifying
Index Card
exercise can
help you answer
the question for
yourself, of whether
it's them or you.
Please take good care..
Sending you hugs
and prayers for
clarity.