I know I made a mistake telling my YM. I see that. I just wish that he hadn't called (if it was him) because now my trust in adults in my church, especially my YM has been broken. We were supposed to meet up this week and talk some more but I don't want to because how do I know that he won't go off and tell my parents what I've said.

It's a horrible thing to have your trust broken. I'm sorry he betrayed you. Please don't give up. Take that as a learned experience. You've been given a lot of good solid advice here from ppl that will lead you in the right direction. Ppl that will teach you - from their knowledge and experience - what your best options are. Take that advice.

Sending strength and hugs, xo

Hopefully your YM did you a favor. He put your parents on alert that someone knows what is going on. Your parents will have to watch how they act as yes, they may end up having social services monitoring them or your siblings may be removed till they investigate.

What you see as a negative may turn out to be a positive. Maybe it is a wake up call for everyone to stop the dysfunctional behavior. I would avoid your parents as much as possible.

You may want to go see your YM to hear what he has to say. If you do not show up he may call authorities out of concern for your welfare. It will help you to know the truth of what happened.
Stay safe.

To answer R4Rs question:

early on, v.w. shared that
her mother was giving
the baby sister bottles
that had contained hard
liquor, and was also
driving the children,
while she was under
the influence. So. . .
the answer is YES.

Sandy. . .. . . . .

behavior patterns that
are this negligent and
that have gone on this
long, are unlikely to ever
even be changed, let
alone. . . . . stopped.

I hope you're right,
though, Sandy, about
there possibly being
a silver lining to this
mess.. I hope and
pray for that --- for v.w.
and all the innocent
children in this horrible
situation.

v.w. . . . . . at 18, you
would NOT be taken
away and put in foster
care. You're an ADULT
now.

No social service system
is perfect and sometimes
it can be awful. But could
it be much worse than
some of the things going
on in this deplorable
excuse for a "home?"

I'm hoping that somewhere
along the line, the people
who can do somethiing
tangible to save the
innocent kids growing
up in this negligent
and abusive family
system, get wind of
what's going on, and
bring in genuine
support and remediation.

And finally, name calling
is NOT "playful banter."

Name calling, (other than
the exceptional situation
in which it actually IS
playful and EVERYBODY
laughs together and not
AT someone),
is ABUSE,
plain and simple.
Abusers ALWAYS
claim that the abuse
they perpetrated was
"a joke," and that
the victim is the
one with the problem
of having no sense
of humor, or of
being too sensitive
(or of seeking attention,
or a list of other lies
and deflections).

We're all sending you
and your siblings our
love, v.w.

Please take good care.

Violet, I am so sorry for all the pain you are having. As others have said, an abuser is not to be trusted. It doesn't mean that what your dad said isn't true, but that with abusers you can more readily assume what they tell you ISN'T true rather than the other way around.

Something my abusive husband might do for instance is if he had a sense I was talking to the church he might exaggerate this (claiming they are calling several times a day) when in reality the truth might be that they called asking for me and didn't say anything but he would hope that I would bite on this and tell me whatever he didn't know. A way of fishing for information.

It may be your YM did act ill advised. Perhaps it was your church counselor. It is possible you may not have been betrayed. It was mentioned about talking to the YM to see if in fact he did say something and if nothing else he would learn from his own mistake that he needs to use more discretion. It might be healing for you to know who (if anyone or possibly just your dad making it up) did say something so you won't have to guess and have this sitting on your mind. If you choose to do this I wouldn't give more information- you would be simply seeking where the "leak" is.

I agree that telling you this information then grounding you seems controlling and doesn't appear that he has your best interests at heart. Now granted he's not a counselor so he might say things abrasively (telling you you're fishing for attention) but still Livn makes a great point in saying that a parent who had your best interests would be looking to help you, not control you.

It reminds me a bit of my dad who was very controlling. I don't believe he was intentionally abusive but he wasn't open to hearing opinions other than his own. He was enraged when I snuck behind his back. Note i said enraged, not concerned, but enraged. It was all about control for him.

The things you listed as his response to you sound to me like abusive responses. I'm sorry that the place that is supposed to be a comfort to you is anything but. :-( You need a place to be heard and validated and while we are here for you I pray that you will find a good support system of people you can trust to nurture you face to face. You deserve to have support and to have a voice!

Personally if the social services came and investigated my parenting and the welfare of my daughter I would welcome them through my front door with a cup of tea and a smile. I've nothing to hide, I have no reason to fear them!

I wouldn't be worried about loosing my job, my reputation, nothing because I am not guilty of doing anything that will concluded those types of consequence!

Just a thought, but look at your dads behaviour, your parents fears!
Guilty???

Thanks guys. Talked to YM yesterday. He said he wasn't the one who called. He has no idea who called.

Why can't I find out who called???!!!!!??? why is it so difficult?

Is there caller ID on the phone? If the phone called is a cell, you might trying calling your cell provider and ask them to check numbers called in on that date.

Do you really think the YM is going to admit he called? It's possible he told the pastor/minister and he called, but either way, he probably won't admit to breaking your confidence because that's a TOTAL NO NO in terms of ministerial ethics! Yet they do it ALL the time. I don't think all most ministers, especially youth ministers, are specifically trained in the area of counseling to any extent unless they go into that separate branch/track in seminary.

I highly suggest finding a licensed therapist or LCSW (licensed clinical social worker) to talk with. Since you are still in high school, it is possible that the school counselor would not check your age and contact your parents as well.

I have to agree w/the others, your father is AFRAID that their carefully constructed cover will be blown. On some level he KNOWS that what is going on in your house is not ok.

You also might want to check w/your local women's shelter to see what resources are available to you as an adult in terms of counseling and legal advice, especially regarding what can be done for your siblings.


Here's something to think about. You mother drinks a lot. She drinks and drives. I wouldn't be surprised if she drinks and drives with you and/or your siblings in the car. It's only been by the grace of god that she hasn't caused a serious accident and injured (or worse) anyone, including you and your siblings.

I was married to an alcoholic who drank and drove w/our kids & me in the car. He was REALLY good at HIDING his drinking, including not appearing to have had anything to drink. I am very grateful that we walked away safely. He had a wreck w/me in the car and he's had several since I left. What I'm trying to say here is that eventually it will catch up with her and it could very well affect innocent people.

And your dad is a classic enabler. He is as sick as she is. I know cuz I was a classic enabler too - just as sick as my ex (altho in a different way) - UNTIL I got help. I regret not realizing it earlier and that I put my innocent kids at risk.

So please take good care of yourself and get some help w/an ethical licensed therapist because that's the best way to help you and by helping yourself, you will be in a much better place to help & protect your siblings.

The main issue here is your safety and mental health. Yes, you are being abused. Your father has lied to you..You are 18, that is considered an adult in the eyes of the law. CPS could not take you away. Like kazb25 said..if your father and mother are doing nothing wrong...why would they be worried if CPS would be coming to your home or getting in touch with them ?? Of course your YM is going to deny in calling...who else knew ?? Please don't give up. We are here for you. I wish there was something I could say to make your situation better...is there anyone you could go stay with ? Any friends or relative ? We care about you on this site.

Didn't you say that your father saw the texts with your friend? Didn't you mention to your friend that maybe you should be talking to the YM? Your father was probably bluffing about the church calling, to see if you did tell your YM. Fishing for information.

Manipulators will try to alienate you from people who stand behind you by making you think they betrayed you. They will lie to you and make you feel you can not trust anyone. I would trust the people from the church. I call this manipulation, "putting up a smoke screen" You are angry at the YM. You have been misdirected. You are told to stop messaging a friend that stands behind you. This is typical abuser tactics. Doubt yourself. Doubt people who believe you. Trust me. I know first hand what abusers do.

The school will call your parents even though you are 18. The school counselor here told me it doesn't matter. They are still obligated to call the parents. The child can not even ask them not to call. Unless you have someone at school that you can call a friend, be careful what you say as they will be worried about the younger children in the house.

When my son went to visit his father, he was going to take him and his half brother somewhere. His father had been drinking. My son refused to get in the car with him. He told his younger brother not to go either. For your safety and your siblings you are being wise by saying no to your mother.

CPS should be checking up on your household for your sibling's safety. You are 18 and would be told to leave if you don't like it there. But to give a toddler alcohol, that is serious. That could be fatal to a child. Does your father know she has done this?

If your father doesn't want problems then he should put your mother straight. I hope this is the wake up call they need before something devastating happens. He will be losing his job and staying home to take care of kids, maybe disabled ones if your mother gets in a serious accident while drunk. Does he think about that? Or doesn't he know she drives after drinking?

Violet: You are an adult. Maybe you need to show your parents how to act like one. Don't let anyone put you down because you are being responsible. If they have no control then maybe you should take control for your welfare and that of your siblings.

Hang in there and be strong. Hugs

Here's a little net-research on
school counselors and
confidentiality (and a little
bit about legal connected
legal issues):

Who is actually the school counselors client? The minor student, or the parents?

Even with the legal issues involved, from an ethical standpoint, the school counselors client is the student. This is one of the first things discussed in the Ethical Standards for School Counselors (2004). The parents needs are considered, but the needs of the students come first, above all others.


The Professional School Counselor and Confidentiality

(Adopted 1974; reviewed and reaffirmed 1980; revised 1986, 1993, 1999, 2002, 2008)

American School Counselor Association (ASCA) Position
Professional school counselors recognize their primary obligation for confidentiality is to the student but balance that obligation
with an understanding of the legal and inherent rights of parents or guardians to be the guiding voice in their childrens
lives.

CASE NOTES AND SUBPOENAS

Are case notes truly my own or do I have to share them if ever lawyers get involved? Do I have to testify?

The sharing of case notes depends on your state statutes and often your ability to advocate using the legal muscle your ethical standards provide you. In some states, the conversations between school counselors and students are considered privileged communication. In most states, however, school counselors are required to testify in court proceedings. Visit www.schoolcounselor.org/ethics to see your states statutes.

Even when your state statute grants privilege for the school counselor/student relationship, the statute often contains exceptions and caveats allowing a judge to determine when the needs of the state outweigh the privilege.

In my state, medical and school personnel are required by law to report to social services any knowledge of suspected child abuse. If a report is not made for you, Violet, because of your age, one may be made for your siblings.

Perhaps, that is what is needed to get your parents to get help and save your siblings from being abused further. But you do need to know what the outcome may be if you open the door and steps through it.

Certain things might be confidential with a school counselor but child abuse is not one. As humans we would feel guilty for not reporting that kind of crime.

I know of a situation where the girl made an innocent remark about not being able to see a family member because she lived with a convicted child molester. The counselor called in CPS. They went with an officer to the parent's house, who were then put on a month of observation and home inspections. They questioned the parents and other siblings about the molester.

The daughter was questioned at school by a detective with half the admin staff present asking if she had been molested. The girl was scared and horrified. She was only 13.

The police then went to the family member's home and told the molester to stay away from the girl. It then went through the whole family that the girl accused the man of molesting her.

There were fights amongst the family over it as the family member was dying from cancer and was quite upset.. How do I know? It was in my family.

CPS said the counselor misunderstood and blew things out of proportion. Trained in these matters? Maybe and maybe not.

Violet you are not a child. You need to carefully weigh the pros and cons of what ever you decide to do. You were upset feeling the YM betrayed you. You already opened that door and maybe should ask for help from your church and they may be able to find you counseling and financial aid to leave the home. Maybe a church member might take you in. Once out you can try to help your siblings by making a report to CPS. A judge can order your parents to go to AA or parenting classes if there is evidence of any wrong doing.

You have to decide what works in your best interest. We can give you advice and suggestions but it is up to you what you have the courage and strength to handle.

I left home at 21 after my father beat me, with a police escort. I moved in with my boyfriend, who I stupidly married. I endured two years of weekly beatings before I had enough courage to leave him.

Make sure you have a solid plan before you make a drastic move. Stay low key and find good help in your community. Your goal should be a happy secure life for yourself. Do not throw gasoline on a raging fire.

As for Ilene's point. Ethically the school counselor probably will not call your parents and say I hear from your daughter that you drink and drive and abuse your children. They will call Child Protective Services.

If you talk to your counselor that your school work is suffering or you are depressed because of your home life. Believe me your parents will be called. I have been called by school counselors for insane reasons. I would assume they know by now how a teens point of view is different then the parents. Taking away a cell phone, computer or video game is not grounds for child abuse. Really, my kids are so deprived, they cried about the horrible home life they have and they can not do their schoolwork. It's a new version of the dog ate it. Of course the counselors reply was, "Oh"

I have tried bringing up emotional issues, troubles over teachers etc. The counselors ran for cover and said they are not qualified for those matters. Grief counseling? Forget it. Growing pains? Not likely. Dating problems and melt downs? Not that either.

No offense to school counselors. They are a great help for academic matters or small discipline issues but...not serious issues like child abuse. Maybe in some rich private school you will find that kind of counseling but not in public schools. I have only once seen a trained psychologist in a school. That was 20 years ago. He was there for the entire county. Gone now due to budget cuts.

My point is Violet hopefully you can find help in the community. Ilene and her friend may be able to help you if you PM her as to where you live. What I know of them, they are here to help people to escape abusive situations. They can find resources in your community for you to contact. That may be your best bet to quietly seek help.
Good luck.

Thank you Sandy and IIene. Is there any possibility It all could b in my head. I mean that I'm making all this up