Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
It has been only 4 months since my adult daughter disclosed my FIL was sexually abusing her for 5 years growing up. I have to see a counselor every week and come on this site for support and my husband...he just doesn't think about it. It was his father and he is not easily accepting that his saintly father could have sex with a child. He just wants me to "get over it" and says things like "it happened years ago, what good is it to think about it all the time?" or "what is worrying and thinking about it going to accomplish?"....Last night we were having a conversation about my youngest daughter asking me a question, "mom is your period is late are you pregnant, because mine was a week late?". ...freaked out a little bit, I said only if you are having sex is that possible. She laughed and said ...oh I thought it just had to be late. I was telling my husband about it and started to cry. He asked why and I said you dont' want to know..yes i do...no you dont'....anyways...he convinced him to tell (b/c his dad being a pedophile is a off limits subject most of the time) and I said I was crying because our oldest was forced to have sex at age 7 and penetrated at 10 and I hurt for her. He rubbed my back for about 10 minutes and was snoring. I was up for hours obsessing about it...Why can't us women be more like that? I guess there is nothing like a mother's love. Anybody else experience this with their mate?
You have every right to angry, don't think for a second that you should try and hold your anger in. It is now important for you to be there for your daughter. She needs to see that anger in you and the message you are sending to her is support. I believe deep down inside that my Mother-in-law looked the other way years ago when my wife was being abused for years by her brother. My wife has been kicked to the curb by her family for breakiing that family secret. If your husband is believes for a second that your daughter would make this up or that she is dilusional he is gravely wrong. There is no way in hell a child would make up such horror about a loving, nurturing, caring grandparent.
Again like I said in my last post, educate your husband on the devastation of incest. Your scumbag father in law has done this to others. If I'm wrong I would be extremely surprised these guys don't just offend once and done. Your husband needs to know he can help protect other family members.
When my wife told me years ago about her abuse, the first thing I did was made it very clear I was not going to be a party to having other family members abused. I told each and every one of the family members what my brother-in-law did to her. I've done research for the last 20 years on how to deal with this, lived it and can tell you the worst thing to do is try and ignore what happened.
Bandmom I just love Dr Phil and I use his philisms all the time. The one good thing i should mention is my daughter does not know my husband doesn't accept that it was his father. As far as she knows he is supporting her completely. He wants her to heal and he is just in denial that it was his father....but he sees her doing so good since the disclosure he said he can't argue with that. He is just confused, ashamed and shocked. I have to let him go at his own pace. He just makes me so angry when he makes me feel that I am not normal because it hurts me so much. I come on here and see that I am normal and us mom's all feel this way. We are just wired differently.
After the big argument and he had time to think he said yesterday that his father is acting guilty. That's progress. He has also committed to going to therapy as a couple. I guess the big fight was definitely worth it.
Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. You guys help me so much!
You sound very supportive and she is lucky to have you to help her through this. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, it never goes away. I'm glad you told everyone in the family. We told my brother in law who has two children that are always around my FIL, they have sided with him and their kids still spend the night there. It is so messed up. He has everyone convinced that he has too many morals (very religious) to do such a thing to a child and that I am crazy and my daughter is making this all up because of her drug history etc...(which were all b/c of what he did to her). God will punish him one day when he gets judged, I hope he sends him straight to hell. He will deny til he dies. He has every excuse in the book not to take a lie detector test. Guilty Guilty Guilty...that's the reason.
Thank you for your support and it is nice to hear a man's opionion.
Families stick by thier sick perps. because they feel the survivor/victim should have just taken thier rapes and been done with it. These scumbags who perpatrate the heinous acts on children are extremely good at playing the victim. I know my wifes abuser gets sympathy by useing these words " I have to go to my grave with what I did" NO SHIT you did take the consequences. Out here in California we don't have statue of limitations on aggravated rape and my wife is still comtemplating going after him.
My wifes abuser possiby does have access to others but not in the family. I've made that very clear to others in the family about 20 years ago. Your brother-in-law is not the sharpest tool in the shed thinking his children are safe from your father-in-law.
MommaKL, you did mention that the abuse of a very young child never goes away and you are absolutely right. I now want to try and help all of you with what is a very good piece of advice I know to be true. If you have not already done so, you and your husband should sit down with your daughter. Look her in the eye and say the words "We are so deeply sorrow we did not protect you as a child when you went through this" "We whole heartedly believe you and want to do whatever we can to help you now" "We can't change what happened, and we should have seen it then, we didn't but please FORGIVE us for not protecting you.... I know these words may difficult however I assure you if you & your husband can utter them with sincere emotions and believe them, you will make great strides in your daughters recovery....
She has done absolutely nothing wrong, her drug abuse, cutting and every other problem she has caused you has been because of that monster father-in-law of yours.....
PEACE TO YOU AND YOURS !!!!
That's great you told other family members. I did too but they just are stupid and believe his lies and denial and think he is too weak and sick to do anything anyways. He only has 35% of his heart. I know they can abuse even if they can't sexually perform. They are just clueless.
I have had a similar conversation with my daughter but may need to do it again to reinforce. My husband has showed her support. She doesn't know he doesn't think it was his dad. He wants her to heal.
All of her problems were because of him. He told me in an email "I am not responsible for all your daughters adn all your families problems"......oh but YES YOU ARE!!
This is a slow long process and we will get through it one day at a time. Thanks for the support.
Thank you for the thoughts ...i apprecaite it more than you could know.
My daughter's disclosure is a little different. The abuse stopped 12 years ago and she went right into a drug/alcohol etc....long long period of time filled with drama and horrible things. She supressed her memories of the abuse and denied it ever happened. She hated us and pushed us away and we just kept getting her help. After he last relapse with crack cocaine I found a Christian drug counselor and she agreed to go. After gaining her trust she began to open up that she felt she had been sexually abused but could not remember her childhood at all. She found us a hypnotherapist that began to hypnotize our daughter. First it was good memories that we could confirm. Then in October they put her under and the abuse came up. She was molested by an ex boyfriend of mine, I confirmed online that he is a high risk sexual offender and has moved state to state over the past 20 years, probably dating single women with kids like me. Then she had memories of my FIL molesting her over a five year period. It started with touching and at age 10 progressed to penetration for two more years. Her last memory under hypnosis was Grandma callling out to him, and him saying "I was just checking on %$&&^", he was in her bedroom to molest her. She never went back. and then the drugs started. She was gang raped at 13 by some hoodlums in our neighborhood and began cutting etc...we did not find out about the rape until she was 17 and in a treatment center. She spent years in and out of hospitals, residential care and once did a 6 months stint in jail. Some of her feelings of being abused came up in jail because she was sober for so long.
Long story short....haha....my husband has read about "false memory theory" and b/c she was hypnotized he thinks she is mixing up who did it. The memories don't lie though. She has one memorie of being molested in the church play room and riding home in their car crying out the window. She never went to church with anyone but them and as a 7 year old child she remembered the car make and model and the layout of the play room.
My husband and I have been through a lot in our marriage adn we will make it. We will get counseling to deal with this and I know one day the shock will wear off with him and the denial of his father being a sick monster....and the acceptence will come, at his pace. I just want it to be now, and it won't be.
I am sorry that your boss did not understand what you are dealing with and said those horrible words I hate to hear "why didnt' he just tell sooner"....They are clueless. I hope you get another job soon.
Sounds like we have been through similar stuff with the cutting, suicide attempts etc....It is horrible how these creeps make our children lose all their self worth and make them have all that shame that they can hurt themselves and hate their lives so much. May they all rot in hell.
Prayers and hugs for you and your son. Is he in counseling?
I just posted my first topic here. I have just recently been made aware of our daughter having been molested for 3 years, from age 130 to 16. She has only lived with us since age 16. We just completed her adoption last year. it has been less then 2 weeks since she told my wife, her Mom about the molesting. She also asked that, for now, I not be told.
Most men have a very difficult time with these kinds of emotions. Worst of them right now is feeling helpless. Most of us men do not deal with that very well. As a result, we often simply bury the emotions along with the issue and move on. Speaking for myself, I feel especially helpless since, as of right now, Dad isn't in the loop. Dad isn't part of the program. I can't even try to comfort her, reassure her that she can over come this. Yes, I would very much like to bury these feelings. I do not like how I feel.
So, my suspicion, no, the men aren't "getting over it." Since society won't let us go exact the justice we would like, since we feel powerless to do anything about the situation, we hid it. we lock it away. And many of us, when we are alone, we let it out. We rant and cry privately. And sometimes we eventually go to pieces all together or have complete breakdowns. But mostly, we let it out when nobody else is around and for the rest of the world we put on a calm, composed exterior for the rest.
You are awesome to seek support and understanding. I am sorry that you had to join our group, Unfortunately we all have sexual abuse of our children in common and did not choose to be in this group, but since we were drafted in here, it is an awesome place to come vent and get support. Please keep coming back and giving us a man's point of view. I know I need to hear it since my husband doesn't even like to discuss the abuse since his father is the perp it causes a huge fight or shut down anytime I bring it up. So I deal with it with my counselor and on here and with a few friends. Some days I wonder if I really know him at all.
Prayers for you and your family. Your daughter will open up to you when she is ready. She is embarrassed and ashamed and feels guilty and a million other things right now.