My husband is like that occasionally, but he used to be worse and has improved with counseling. He wasn't raised to admit to problems or faults and had lots of practice ignoring them. I remember learning in a psychology class in college that in terms of concentrating or processing, men are unifocal and women are multifocal--men for the most part can only focus on one thing at a time and women can focus on several things at once. I think there are just too many things for most men to have to think about and acknowledge in the instance of sexual abuse; I think using denial or blocking helps them deal with all the other responsibilities they have. Exceling at a career and providing a paycheck, disciplining kids, doing home repairs, doing outdoor projects, maintaining vehicles, investing, coaching, etc, are things that can be done one at a time and don't need to be interrupted by the other things on the list of responsibilities. Dealing with sexual abuse is just too all encompassing and too overwhelming for them (I'm speaking in generalities) and it seems it takes a longer time for them to get to the point where they'll allow it to penetrate their thoughts even just a little. I'm not excusing them from what their responsibility should be in dealing together with their partner with the abuse, just sharing some observations I've noticed from my life experiences. I have thought at times it looked like "ignorance is bliss" and wanted to be able to be like that too, but unfortunately my mind rarely shuts off; it's exhausting!

My daughter was abused by her step-brother at her fathers house. He is siding with his step-son instead of his own flesh and blood. He speaks highly of him and is there for him while I am left to pick up the pieces with my daughter.

Bandmom I wish my husband would go to counseling. He has pretty much given up his family and stuck with us and I'm sure talking to a counselor would help. He went once with me in the beginning but he'd rather just stuff it down. You are right about their focus and multitasking. Us mom's can do 10 things at once. Mine just works works and works to deal with things...he is a great provider though and I get to stay home to protect my other two children, I hope. I think this will all hit him one day and he will break down. Probably when his dad passes away.
Achingmom that is horrible. I bet him siding with the molester hurts her as much as the molesting. I hope he told her he believes her and it wasn't her fault. They need to hear that. Hang in there, you are a great mom. Is his stepson getting help or locked up??

My husband was against the whole idea of going to counseling at first, but if you saw the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Tula wants to work in her aunt's travel agency, and her father won't let her, but her mom and aunt talk him into it by presenting a dilemma and getting him to think up the idea of Tula helping the aunt out. That's kind of what I did with my husband; I talked about stuff happening often enough and in a way that he would eventually come up with the idea of him trying it a few times to see if he could take it, and amazingly after the 3rd session he realized he kind of liked it. Go figure!!!

Awesome advise. If it's his idea he will go for it. I think most men are like that. I loved that movie and remember that scene, haha. Do you guys go together or seperate? I so look forward to my sessions on thursdays. It really helps.

I can totally relate to you mommakl. As you know my FIL molested my girls too. I do try and be compassionate about his feelings because alot of men identify with their fathers and they have to live with the fact their fathers were and are monsters. I have to wonder if my father in law did not kill himself what would have happened. I would have pressed charges no matter what!!!! Would our marriage survived it? Would my mother in law not kick him out? I often ask my self those questions. There is not one day that goes by that I do not think of the abuse. He doesnt seem to talk about it much. My oldest was dxd with PTSD and he wants to know what will fix it. There is no quick fix for any of this. I think men just move on. I so wish I could be like that too!! But maybe this is why God made us this way. We are the fighters, we are the ones that will fight to the death for our kids. Hugs to you all. H

We're not going at all at present, we seem to be doing fairly well. In the past we went separately, me more than him, and we went together for a while as well. IDK, it seems like he would hear things differently than I would sometimes, and we had to get clarification from the therapist; I usually had the more accurate interpretation of what the therapist was trying to convey, and he'd get angry and say she was lousy, but then a few days later he'd retract it and agree with us. It's a tough process, but since our son's CSA was disclosed and his twin's lymphoma happened, we've incredibly been right on the same page with almost everything. I'm having personal struggles since the perp's family lives in town and some of our friends and acquaintances know him/them, so I haven't been going anywhere--I just don't want to answer anyone's potential questions. I really should go back to counseling for that I guess.

Annholly our stories are very similar. I do think that if my husband comes out and admits he knows his dad did this, he thinks he is admitting his whole childhood was a sham. He always worries that people will think he is like is father and he is nothing like him. Molesting children doesn't run in the blood line, it's a learned behavior and he was never abused. My FIL's MO seemed to be girls and my daughter was a step grand daughter.
I wish my mother in law would just admit it's true. I hate the denial. She has to know deep down that he did this and some red flags went up.
The PTSD is a rough one. My daughter gets panic attacks, night mares and lots of anxiety and depression. I pray one day she can truly be happy. He took so much from her and from us all.
We are mom's for a reason.

Bandmom maybe going back would be a good idea. I hate to hear that you are hybernating in your house to avoid people. You didnt' do anything wrong and he is robbing you of your life. If anyone should be hiding it shoudl be them. If someone asks about it, just say you can't talk about it but thank you for your concern.
So sorry you are dealing with a child having cancer as well. Extra prayers for you. I know that must be tough.
How much can one mom handle? Take care of yourself. Your husband sounds awesome to give it a try and to admit he was wrong, even if a few days after the fact.

I dont think men get over it , I think they just shut down, or bury it or deny it. They have been taught to always be strong and dont show feelings. I did point blank ask my husband why he doesnt show much emotion about the abuse and does he really care and he said Of course I care I just dont know what to do and I feel my job is to stay strong and keep things as normal as possible. He was hurt I thought he didnt care. A guy will never feel as deeply as a mother our children our half our heart and that is the way we are wired. they are wired different and I always remember that. My brother is a Psychologist for many years and he once said to me, Sherri, we men are dense and we dont get it so the best way to get what you need from a man is tell him what you need directly because if you wait for them to get it you will be waiting forever.. Great piece of advice!!

Mommakl, Yes my husband thinks the exact same thing! That people are going to think he is an abuser too!!! I dont give a flying you know what, what people think. The worse thing in the world has happened to me, my children were abused. What else could possibly hurt as much?
So far in my 50 years nothing has compared. My only concern is the health and healing of my girls, whatever that may be. I just have faith that our children will be healed. And bandmom, you get out there with your head held high! You and your family are survivors and have nothing to feel bad about. The abusers and their supporters are the ones that should be in hiding. We have got to stop this madness!!! H

Sherri that is so true. I think my husband just burries it or as he says "put it in a compartment and leave it there". He hates to talk about the abuse and thinks I am obsessed. I had the same conversation with my husband about him not being emotional about it. I told him I have seen more anger over stupid little things and I have seen him cry at a movie but neither about the abuse. I thought it was just because it is his father but maybe he would be that way no matter who it was. Great advise from your brother.

Annholly ditto on that. Who cares what they think, it's nothing compared to what my daughter has gone through. Let them talk. We didn't sexually abuse anyone, they did.

MommaKl,

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles ! Your husband needs to understand that your poor daughter should NEVER ever have to look at her abuser again. I would strongly encourage you to make sure she is as far aways as possible. I can tell you from experience my wife has made improvements from not seeing her abuser. Your poor daughter not having others understand what she is going through does not help her. In fact one of the things I recall reading and that is that a supportive family now is of the utmost importance. Trying to sweep this under the rug is not only wrong but puts so much pressure on a survivor.
I would strongly encourage you to try and find out as much as you can about incest. Your angel has endured the worst form of abuse being that her perp. was one that she should have been able to trust. Pointing out the horrors of what a survivor deals with could possibly open his eyes. Incest is not something that a survior just gets over because it was years ago.
I'm so sorry to be so blount and I know my words might hurt but they are intended to hopefully wake up your husband...

I'm Sorry and hope and pray that your lovely daughter finds PEACE !!!!

Thank you Tom or your reply. I apprecaite your honesty. You sound like an awesome father and husband. We cannot even talk about the molestation of my daughter, it turns into a fight. I will hold in my feelings and walk on egg shells because if I say anything about his father, the pedophile, he gets angry and shuts down . He doesn't believe it was his dad but does believe someone did it for 5 years. Ok if it wasn't him then why is she saying it was? No one elses name has come up. No one else made the hair on the back of her neck stand on end when he hugged her. She had every illness in the book to avoid Christmas get toghethers with his family. Always before the holidays she created drama with drugs or alcohol to avoid going around him. The abuse stopped at age 12 and as sick as it sounds it was a rejection to her. He had sex with her for 5 years, penetrations for 2 and then it stopped. She turned to drugs at that time, cutting her sefl, suicice attempts aocohol etc...we went through pure hell with here, not knowing until 12 years later that it was becuase her grandpa was making her perform sexual acts on him and doing the same to her. He started acually having intercouse with her at age 10. He refuses to believe his father could do it. I know in my heart that he did this. NO Doubt!!! Unless he confesses on his death bed or another victim comes forward my husband will not believe it. He thinks because when my daugher hit 12 when the aubse stopped and she then got gang raped by some neighborhood boys (we didn't find out til she was 17)she went off the deep end with drugs and now he thinks the drugs are causing "dilusions" that it was his father and that the drugs caused her to mix up who did it....when really she turned to drugs becuase of her grandfather abusing her for 5 years and telling her it was their special secret, tellign would hurt grandma, no noe will believe you, it will kill your mom and dad. You are special.
I am sorry....I am angry right now. my husand and I just had a 'heated discussion on how he continues do deny his father did this and he just wants to never talk about it again and I want him to take a lie detector test and prove his innoncense (haha). He have every reason in the book to not take it. He still has access to ther children, some overnight and they all deny he is a pedophile....
Sweeping it under the rug isn't working at all. That is why so many families have multiple generations of abuse children...they jsut don't stop, they keep feeding their sick preverted fantasies with our children.
I wish my husband would go to counseling with me and not making a screaming match that it wasn't his father....we will get no where.
I am not sure if we will make it through this. He just told me he doesn't care and to do what i need to do and leave him out of it....that's our daughter...how can you just "get over it"....unbelivevable. I am sad...sorry so long..thanks for listening.