Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

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What if.....

overthinker
overthinker

I can't help but always wonder what if the molestation had never happened. How much different would all of our lives be?  This weekend was another difficult one as it should have been my daughter's high school graduation but she chose not to participate.  I have been reminded over and over by facebook posts about the ceremony and all the parties on and on and on and of course the cap and gown and announcements are till sitting in the closet in unoopened packaging.  Today when cleaning off some old school papers from my table I found a paper from the class she was really struggling in and she had wrote negative comments all over it about how she didn't understand any of it and how dumb she was and a failure and tons of self deprecating comments.  It really hit just how miserable she was in school.  I've mentioned it before, but she was a National Honor Society member and far from dumb.  I have guilt for trying to push her.  I knew she was struggling, but she was so close to the end and I know what she's capable of and I didn't want her to give up.  I feel the schools push these kids way too hard too.  We talked to the guidance counselor about her struggles last year and said we didn't want her to take this particular math class but she pushed really really hard and made it sound like she had to when she really didn't.  I know they want what's best for them, but their mental health needs to be considered.  They don't seem to know what to do with kids with depression and anxiety etc. and so many times I have felt that I don't know what to do about it either.   What if???

Tina0517
Tina0517
I don't haves perfect answer or The right answer, but what I often think is, although it might sound a little hard now, but that things happen for a reason. I have met several extraordinary people in my in means of how strong that had been. That was when I was a teenager or in my twenties.. they had hard courses of life and I was just listening to their stories and how they were coping. It influenced me! I also had a very hard path in my life and looking back 10-15 yrs ago, when times were somehow very difficult, I see something now, what I wasn't capable of seeing at those times. It made me so much more resilient and more mature. I have no clue, how much more I would have thrown under bus with my little ones destiny, if my mind, body and soul wouldn't have trained before...
I pray, that I am good mother, who can raise a strong daughter. And who knows I hear many become advocates or other helpers for people, who struggle with this difficult topic. Many people don't know, how to deal with this and thus behave so ignorant and cold. :(
I think we need to live in the presence and look out for the future while learning from the past!
notalone00
notalone00
No one would have compassion for any one else. no kind of abuse? Nothing??
Really don't think that will ever be possible in this world.. a bully is a form of abuse.. everyone and everything would be safe? Never lock our door, would never need insurance for anything... then a lot of folks would be out of work too.. or into other profession..

I try not to think of the 'what ifs'. It might be good to dream, but not good in the way it causes anger, and sadness...

Notalone
mommakp
mommakp
What if is a dangerous game to play, as is 'what will the future hold'? A wise friend told me we're better not knowing what's to come down the road. Taken one step at a time, we can get through and survive. And hopefully thrive.
ThreeMusketeersback3
ThreeMusketeersback3
What if? I can say that at the time of disclosure, I felt my babies had been killed. And they had: their spirits, their innocence, the children and men they would have been without the abuses. But at the same time I lost my babies, I saw the birth of two new ones: breve, strong, courageous, amazing loving little warriors, so eager to go on living while I just wanted to die. My fantasy was to just die along with them. What if? I do not ask that question any longer, because I have seen the recovery of my kids (with many setbacks of course) and I love them the way they are. In some way, is like wondering "what if my kid had not fallen from that bike and become a paraplegic"etc. You just love your kid, as he or she is. Unconditional love. And knowing, as always, that it could have been WORSE. My father in law is a real pyscho and could have certainly killed them, they were just babies and he could have become crazy when my children told him that they would disclose. Pedophiles that kill their victims are very common. And my children are here, right now, as I write, reading the Bible for Kids and telling me, in their little pajamas, that the Bible is cool :O)
heartsadx3
heartsadx3
In recovery we went over "If Only's" I wondered if anyone had the heavy set of "If Only's" I did. It just ripped my heart apart ... I actually wrote them out and shared them. And I've rarely thought of them since. It is perfectly normal to have those thoughts but as others have said not too helpful. But the important part to know it is part of the process to acceptance. For along time I struggled to accept what happened. I wanted to wish it a way ... change time whatever I could do to erase what happened. But of course I couldn't. Take care of you...dont stay stuck in negative energy too long or if you are get help.
Naive1.2
Naive1.2
CONGRATULATIONS to your daughter!!! Graduation is a BIG DEAL. Your daughter persisted through odds most of her NHS friends never could have imagined.

Here's one "what if" you can say goodbye to forever: what if she drops out of high school?

Look for every opportunity to celebrate -- tiny stuff if that's all you can find on any given day. Take those grad announcements and plaster your fridge with them. Slip one into her purse, another under her pillow. You don't need to say a thing.

HUGS and congratulations to you, too!!
DonnaLynn
DonnaLynn
I too struggle with the "what ifs..." what if my ex-husband hadn't domestically abused me for ten years... what if my daughters hadn't been sexually abused by him... what if I had realized it had all been going on and stopped it... I had been focusing on our brokenness from everything... but I like what "threemusketersback3" posted about not focusing on the brokenness, but on our courage of facing the abuse and healing from it and loving the new people we are becoming... it is hard... you just want your life to go back to normal... you just want to close your eyes and wish it all away and that it had never happened... but when you open your eyes it is always still there... it is all just facts of life now, history that has happened and can't be erased... but we can focus on the future and love the new people we are becoming... slowly healing from our scars of the past...
DonnaLynn
DonnaLynn
I too struggle with the "what ifs..." what if my ex-husband hadn't domestically abused me for ten years... what if my daughters hadn't been sexually abused by him... what if I had realized it had all been going on and stopped it... I had been focusing on our brokenness from everything... but I like what "threemusketersback3" posted about not focusing on the brokenness, but on our courage of facing the abuse and healing from it and loving the new people we are becoming... it is hard... you just want your life to go back to normal... you just want to close your eyes and wish it all away and that it had never happened... but when you open your eyes it is always still there... it is all just facts of life now, history that has happened and can't be erased... but we can focus on the future and love the new people we are becoming... slowly healing from our scars of the past...
musicmommy
musicmommy
I agree with the other women here. I often had thought "what if", and I still do, but it's different than it was at first. I used to think things would be better if it hadn't occurred. Sadly, I don't believe that's true. Now, I think "what if my daughter never told me, and I'd still be married to an emotionally abusive sociopath who had me believing I was crazy, cheated on me, gaslighted me constantly, and even had our marriage counselor convinced that I was somewhat borderline and needed a bunch of anxiety meds?". What if???? I'd be in a terrible place, still married to a man who made me miserable and scared. The truth is, my daughter SAVED me. She is my HERO and always will be, I feel bad she has to this as I am the one who is supposed to be her hero and not the other way around, but we have really tried to focus on how she looks at herself since the abuse occurred. What if? If this never happened, she wouldn't know how amazingly strong she is. She wouldn't know that even as a little girl, she defeated a monster who was slowly killing her mother. She knows this now, and if you ask her to describe herself in one word, she'll say "brave". Am I saying I'm somehow glad this happened? Oh hell no. I wish every day it hadn't. But in my case, we are all doing much better than if he were still with us. I firmly believe that, and I have my baby to thank for that. She will always be my hero, someone who looked evil directly in the eye and won. I'm so very proud of her.
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