Im sorry mommakl. My husbands father molested both of my girls. He killed himself after I confronted him, but at the time only knew about my youngest daughter. Are you both in family counceling? Has it been reported? How old is your daughter? My husband totally believed my daughters, I think he would have killed him if he was still around. I am sure it is really hard for him, but for your daughter to heal he needs to believe her. The guilt you feel is overwhelming. Who do you trust the most with your kids? The grandparents. It is just a sickeing situation what it does to our kids. I hope you can get you husband to accept this to help your daughter. H

I'm in counseling, he has been once with me. Not his thing. My daughter is 24 and is in counseling and working hard to get past it and take her life back. The abuse was from 7-12 and just revealed in October. She hinted over the years but would never tell us, worried she would break up the family. I'm sure because of things he said to her. I have not reported because the statue of limitiations in Texas is 7 years from what I understand. I think I could sue him but realy the only thing I want is an admission and an apology and tell her it wasn't her fault. She still deals with guilt and shame but getting better every week. My daughter does not know that he has the doubts, to her he shows support. He cannot deny that since the dsiclosure she has come alive. She smiles again and for the most part stays sober. She still has some relapses but nothing like we were dealing with.
I totally trusted my inlaws with her, she is their step granddaugther and then sadly not knowing my youngest two, now 12 and 14 have been very close to them and stayed at their house on many many weekends. I have always been paranoid to leave them with others, thought my Pentacostal inlaws that go to church 3x a week were the safest place for them to be. He is still playing the "saint" card and everyone is believing him. My daughter has been through so much with drugs, hospitals etc...so i'm sure they are telling people she is just crazy or lying. Now we know why all the drugs etc...were because of him.
My counselor tells me to give him time, it is a hard thing to realize about your "family oriented" great father. Thank God he never touched his own kids and I pray that means he didn't touch his blood grandchildren. I have questioned them without mentioning names, they love their grandparents very much and I'm not sure they would tell anyways. My husband has made me promise not to tell them at this point. I have agreed for now.
Thank you for your reply. It's so frustrating when the one you are used to talking to about your feelings doesn't want to discuss the thing that hurts you the most.
Do you know of any other support groups that are good. Are there any that you can actually chat when you need support at that moment. They seem to come when no one is online for me on here.
God bless.

Unfortunately this may be something he never fully gets his head around. Or it may take your daughter telling her side of the story - while sober - and looking him straight in the eyes. Or it could just be that he is stuck in the denial stage a little longer than others and will eventually come around in time. Either way, something like this is always a strain on a marriage. You just have to keep working at it - even if it means avoiding talking about your father-in-law at all costs. At least he isn't allowing her to see his doubts. That will make a BIG difference in her healing process. In the meantime, I personally would not allow my other children to go around him.

As for filing charges, now that your daughter is an adult, SHE would have to be the one to do it. That may be something you want to mention to her. Even if she doesn't want to persue charges, she can at least make an information report so that IF it has happened to anyone else, there will at least be another report against him to use as evidence in any other cases that come up later. Depending on what year it happened will determine what the statute of limitations would be. (It's currently no limitations, but at one time it was so many years past the 18th birthday.)

I do hope and pray that this abuser will admit to his wrongdoings, but chances of that are so slim. Many of them don't believe their actions are wrong. Others just don't want the embarassment of others knowing just how sick and twisted they are. My friend's abuser swears that the entire sheriff's office is crooked to even think he could do something like that, and he only pled guilty to INJURY to a child so they wouldn't have to deal with the court systems. That sick POS only pled guilty so that the details of his sick attacks would not be heard by anyone - including his wife!!!

The things that they do to their minds is unbelievable. My father in law told them it was their fault, that no one would believe them, our family would get a divorce, my mother in law would not believe them. It is so sickening to me the lies and hurt they cause our children. The head games are as bad as the abuse!!! And these are the people we trusted the most!!! Mommakl, do you know for sure he did not molest your other two? Where was your mother in law when this was going on? Mine was in her barn taking care of her horses. Thank God my mother in law totally believed and supported us. I do not know of any other support groups or chats. This one has seemed to be the most helpful. It might not be a bad idea to talk to your daughter about pressing charges. That would totally be her decision. Might give her some power back. I dont know how your husband would react though. Im glad that she is doing better!!! H

Broken I am thankful that my husband is very adament about her not knowing his doubts that it was his father. He sees her doing so well and it is a relief after 12 years of hell that we have been through with her. He said knowing why doesn't change what we have been through. To me it does. I think us moms are just wired differently. She got the usual bipolar etc..diagnosis and put on all kinds of drugs and now to find out she just needed treatment for PTSD the entire time is hard to take. She has been treated like she was just a crazy kid and I trusted all the professionals, many regrets. Hind sight is always better. If it were happening with my youngest two now I would be more equipped to research and change doctors etc... I even had her put in a kids mental hospital one time after a suicicde attempt and a drug binge and they kept her for 7 weeks until the insurance said she had to leave and they said the bipolar, schiz diagnosis were wrong but when we got home the psych. still kept her on all the horrible meds and ignored all the testing they did there. I guess I cannot dwell on the past.. I did the best I could with what I had and what I knew.

I am confused about all the statue of limitations. I read here in Texas on one site it's 7 years, on one it's 10 and then somewhere else that it is so many years past the 18th birthday. I am not sure what they would do to a dying 62 year old man that is the pilar of the community. I think right now that would set my husband over the edge, but if she decides on her own to do that, I will support her. He is weak and fraile now and only has 35% of his heart working, I strongly feel he is unable to have sex but fear he would still fondle etc...the other grandchildren. I warned my brother in law and just found out they are still leaving their children with him on overnite stays. They think because they had their 8 year old daughter checked out by their "church counselor" that said there are no signs of abuse that it is not true. He is moving two doors down from their house soon. They are all in denial, think myself and my daughter are crazy and just have chosen him to accuse. He has them all convinced that he is a man of God and integrity and family values and he would never do that to anyone.

My husband has been asking that he take a lie detector test and he was "considering" it yesterday but says they are unreliable and that it woudln't make a difference on what I believe. I am worried that even if he does take it, he is such a controlling type personality that he could manipulate the test. My daughter indicated that she felt my mother in law knew or suspected the abuse. She is adament that she never remembers any red flags or suspected anything and her husband would never do such a horrible unthinkable thing and I am just nuts.

Sounds like justice was not done in your case. I am sorry to hear that. It just seems like the criminals have all the rights and the victims have none. Sickens me.

Mommakl, I'm so sorry for what you and your family are going thru. I'm posting some books you may want to check out for you, your daughter, or any of your family members that may help them understand and open up about this devastating issue. I'm also posting some other support sites that you can check out.
Books--For Adults:
• How long does it hurt? Cynthia Mather (this is for teens and their family--it's really good!)
• Helping your child recover from Sexual Abuse – Caren Adams
• The invisible wound – Wayne Kristberg
• When your child has been molested – Kathryn Brohl
• In a Place of Flame: Prayers for Survivors of Sexual Abuse~ Amelia O'Dea
• No Secrets No Lies: How Black Families Can Heal from Sexual Abuse- Robin Stone
For Kids:
• ****A terrible thing happened – Margaret Holmes
• ****No more secrets for me – Oralee Wachter
• My Imaginary Friend ~ Shirley Povondra (Author)
• Annabelle's Secret: A Story about Sexual Abuse ~ Amy Barth
• In a Place of Flame: Prayers for Survivors of Sexual Abuse ~ Amelia O'Dea
• ****Mia's Secret ~ by Peter Ledwon and Marilyn Mets
• Margaret's Story: Sexual Abuse and Going to Court ~ Deborah Anderson
• Back on Track: Boys Dealing With Sexual Abuse by Leslie Bailey Wright and Mindy B. Loiselle
• No More Secrets For Me by ~ Oralee Wachter
• Please Tell!: A Child's Story About Sexual Abuse (Early Steps) by Jessie Ottenweller
**** really good book
Here are other books for kids, except the last one--its for adults:
The Right Touch by Sandy Kleven
A Very Touching Book … for Little People and Big People by Jan Hindman
Shining Through by Leslie Wright
My Body is Private by Linda Walvoord Girard
It's My Body by Lori Freeman
The Trouble with Secrets by Karen Johnson
Your Body Belongs to YOU by Cornelia Maude Spelman
The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis--
Other sites:
www.rainn.org --Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
www.parentsupportforchildsexualabuse.com --Parents Helping Parents
www.healingheartsandsouls.net --Non-offending Parent Support
www.sandf.org --Survivors and Friends
www.pandys.org --Pandora's Project
www.mosac.net --Mothers Of Sexually Abused Children
www.againstsexualabuse.org --Mothers Against Sexual Abuse
www.survivorship.org
www.ascasupport.org --Adult Survivors of Child Abuse
www.dancinginthedarkness.com --Rape and Sexual Abuse survivors
www.angelsinnight.org --Angels in the Night
www.snapnetwork.org --Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests (it can't just be the Catholic church that has this issue!)
The sad thing is there are many other sites too; this is how prevalent this is--it's disgusting that our government officials are a bunch of sandheads about this. I'm hoping and praying that your husband will take interest in just one of these books or sites. My heart goes out to you all, and you're in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))

Ann our situations sound very similar. My father in law played the same mind games with my daughter. It's our special secret, no one can know, they will not believe you, you will break up the family and hurt Grandma ...The head games are as bad as the abuse and then the shame the victim carries around and burries deep inside them is horrible. My daughter handled it all on her own since she was molested by an ex boyfriend of mine at 4 years old and then my father in laws abuse from 7-12. Then she was raped by a few teenage boys in the neighborhood at 13 and spiraled out of control. In a sick way I think when the abuse stopped from her grandfather it was a big rejection to her and my younger two got all the attention.

I do not know for sure that he did not touch my other two. I have asked them many questions and shared with them about my ex boyfriend and why I ask things all the time . I do not see signs of abuse now but I was so blind to it back when they were younger that he could of gotten away with it and they have blocked it out too. They are very close to their grandparents and spent a lot of time with them. I am holding on to the hope that his MO was not to touch actual blood and my daughter was a step so she was ok to touch. I would love to get them talked to but at this point we are still dealing with the initial shock, denial, arguing etc... and I agreed with my husband that we should wait a little while and decide together with professional help how to deal with it. As of last night via email his father has agreed to meet with us (and his preacher) with my counselor. Up until now he has not ever wanted to see me again, take any calls from me or discuss. He just cannot believe an innocnet man can be so attacked for no reason. Not sure what a meeting will do but I feel a face to face has to happen sooner or later. He wants to record it for "properity" sake. Sounds to me like he fears legal action.

I am letting my daughter go at her pace and she seems to be in a good place right now. She is painting and wrting her poetry and going to therapy. She was in a very vengeful, angry stage and that is hard to handle. All though I understand wanting revenge all too well. I do not want her to go do something that will land her in jail or shot. She was reading "courage to heal" and it was not the book for her at this time, talks too much about getting revenge. Her counselor has switched her to a book called "boundaries" and starting her in art therapy. Working on healing. Such a horrible and long process she has been through. She is much better since the reveal and I see the light back in her eyes, the smiles. She didnt' have to be around him for the first time at the holidays and it was so nice to see her sober and happy.

You are so lucky that your mother in law believes it. The denial is so hard to handle. My daughter is hurt because Grandma thinks she is lying, even though she suspects that she knew something was going on and feels like "they got caught" the last time he tried something and she stopped going over there.

Thank you so much for helping me and others. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through in my life. You would think I was the one molested. God Bless.

Band mom thank you so much for all the information. I will definitely read some of the books. Do you have a favorite that would help me at this early stage?
My daughter was reading courage to heal and it was not good for at this time. Too much revenge discussion etc. and she is not ready for any of that right now. Her counselor switched her to boundaries. Of the books you recc. for her is there one in particular that deals with healing and forgiving more than the revenge? I am ordering her the workbook for boundaries today to go with her book. I think reading stories of girls that overcame this and have productive lives would be good for her right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to recc. all of those. I am getting on Barnes and Noble right now and looking to see what is available from them. I'm still boycotting Amazon for the pedophile manual they were selling. God bless.

The only one I have is How Long Does It Hurt, it's very comprehensive, is geared toward teens, and focuses more on healing, and knowing it's not your fault. I actually got it used on half.com, which is part of ebay, and it's one of the sites my kids use to buy their textbooks. I read Boundaries many years ago--great book! Another one I read (many yrs ago!) is The Lies We Believe by Chris Thurman--I don't know if you can still get it, but it helped me tremendously (sporadically I was physically [until I had to change for gym], verbally and emotionally abused by my step dad and sometimes my mom too b/w say 8-40ish). A library may have it if it's not for sale somewhere. Your daughter is very brave to disclose what happened, and is taking the right steps (and so are you!) to heal and regain the power and control of things in life. God bless you all too!

So sorry you are going through this. I believe the statute of limitations is longer when you disclose abuse that happened when you were a child but now are an adult. I think you may want to discuss this with your daughter. The legal process is not easy, but it may help with the healing. As for your father in law being a pillar in the community, I suspect your daughter isn't his only victim. We can't even begin to get into the minds of these perpetrators, they just defy reason, but if you read through some previous posts and things from other sites, you'll see that perps typically have victimized several individuals before one discloses. . . I understand also that he is currently not physically well, but just because you're at death's door (we all are technically though, aren't we?) doesn't mean you shouldn't be held accountable for your actions.
Sorry for sounding so harsh. I'm getting ready to bring my 6 year old to court on Monday to hopefully put our case to rest. . . .

Best to all of you. You're a great mom. Tell your daughter that I think she's amazing too!

Bandmom I just bought the "how long does it hurt" book and am reading it now. I hate to admit it but I resorted to getting on Amazon kindle for my PC because I am impatient. I hate to support them after the Pedophile handbook, maybe me supporting anti abuse authors will ease my guilt. I will order my next one from Barnes and Noble.
My daughter is very brave, I am very proud of her!
Thank you nightbird. You are right he should be held accountable and I suspect there have been other victims. I know they abuse over and over again and I doubt he cured himself 12 years ago. There is one niece that my guy tells me it could of happened to. He also had access to many many kids at church, his wife has always been a Sunday school teacher and my daugher revealed he molested her at the church.
I think God did get some revenge and he had a heart attack at church and almost died. My daughter told me the other day that when she heard the news about his heart attack she remembers thinking "i wish he would die" and thinking she was a bad person for thinking that and not knowing why she felt that way. Her memories were supressed for years and stuffed down with alcohol, drugs and food. Maybe he will suffer for the rest of his life as he made her suffer.
I will say a prayer for your family and your 6 year old. I hope the molester is punished to the full extent of the law and your and your child heal. Hopefully fidning out at such a young age will help him/her to get the help they need and not resort to the self destruction we have witnessed. You are a great mom too, thank you. We have to protect our babies! I will tell my daughter, she needs all the support she can get.

typo...not my guy, my "gut"

Bandmom, Thanks for all the resourses. Both my daughters are doing courage to heal, but my youngest doesnt like it. She is not very studious to begin with. Im going to check out How long does it hurt. Mommakl I had no idea what was going on either! Those little ones are so scared and manipulated they hide it well. My oldest also suffers from PTSD. She is in counseling, but she is the one that is closed off the most. The youngest is a little more verbal. Im scared for you when you meet him face to face especially if he is so manipulative. These people are masters of deception! Is your daughter participating in this meeting? Your poor daughter. She really has had a terrible time of it. But now is sounds like the healing can begin. And when your children are molested, yes you are molested too!! The pain you take on seems unbearable at times. I walked around for 3 months a zombie and as far as I know all I did was breathe. Just keep telling her you love her and support her. H

Ann you will love "how long does it hurt" for your daughter. It is written like in teen language and directly to them. I am thinking about my 12 year old reading it. I couldn't stop reading last night. Should be on the reading list in school, more kids would come forward. Courage to heal is not an easy one, esp for younger kids. It kind of set my daughter back and occupied with revenge.
Thank you for friending me. I'm new to this. How do you put a picture for your profile pic?
You are right, when they are molested we are too....wish my husband could understand that. I tell her I love her every day and how great she is doing.
Face to face will be scarey and I will have to control my temper. I will have to have a few more weeks of counseling before that can happen. Prob be on here a lot too.

I am going to order it today! Also to put a picture. Go to Google images. Type in something that appeals to you.. Download it, i usually download on my desktop(right click on image and save to "desktop) Then go on here to add a profile picture and pull it up from picture you downloaded on your desktop. Let me know if it works or I will see It!! You know my father in law killed himself, so he is not there everyday in our faces, did not have to face a trial, but left a lot of unanswered questions, but what i have read on here they are'nt that willing to admit it anyway. I know his punishment began the minute he put the bullet in his heart! Its so weird, no one grieved him, like he never existed, did not have a funeral service for him, I think he is still in the closet in an urn! But he sure left a legacy of pain and hurt that's for sure. OK mommakl good luck with the picture. Take one day at a time. H