Been through what you have to a tee almost, same ages, same with boys. I would have your stepson arrested. My stepson is 14 now, 13 at time of arrest and he will be going to court starting in January. He doesn't need a regular counsellor, he needs ongoing intensive therapy in a institute that deals with young sex offenders. He is obviously violent if he chose to bite your son's private.

You talk about feeling bad and worrying over your husbands health and him having to deal with this. He does not have any right to be angry with you!! Mother's instinct is to protect your babies and you did the right thing keeping him away from them. He will do it again, he got caught before and continued to molest children. He is sick. You really find out who your try friends and family are during this time. My in-laws are all about the molester and don't even ask how my boys are doing. I can't wrap my head around their concern for my stepson...He did the wrong thing, he knew it was wrong which is why he intimidated them and made them not come and tell us yet we should all jump through hoops to make him feel comfortable?!?!? Biggest crock I have heard and I can't believe how stupid these people are, they are cowards and just plain idiots as far as I am concerned. Do not look for validation through them, get it through the people that are on your childrens side. I wouldn't doubt he molested his autistic half brother, your stepson sounds like mine in the sense that they will take the closest easiest target...they are calculated yes but not as seasoned as adult pedophiles for lack of better words. Opportunists, no care of whether the child is male or female, just pure power driven disgusting disregard for humanity. Keep him away from your kids and yourself. Let the courts handle him and you just continue to be mom...get your kids into counselling. My son (7) is just starting to talk about the actual molestation 8 months after the disclosure, my 5 yr old was acting out on a little girl in the neighbourhood so counselling is necessary for them to know that what happened wasn't their fault and to learn how to behave and how to protect themselves.

I hope you do get some counselling for yourself, especially since your husband and you aren't communicating on the same page. Sorry this has happened and I am sorry your Christmas was ruined. Keep coming back and venting. Hugs

Devastated, I'm so sorry you are going thru this and for what your son has gone thru. I can't imagine all you are dealing with. My son didn't disclose til he was an adult so all I could do was help get info for him and support him in whatever decisions he made. You did the right thing reporting to CPS and in keeping the offender away from the victim, but they may need you to keep hounding them to take action. The offender/stepson needs a residential treatment program at this point, and if CPS isn't going to set that up, you may need to call the police and let them join the fight. Check out the laws in your state on child sexual abuse--the ages in your case will most likely only mandate treatment. But reporting should also entitle you to counseling for your kids thru the victims of crime compensation office. Mt heaert goes out to you and your precious kids. I hope and pray that you all can find a way to start on a path of healing. I also feel sad for the offender--he needs help; at his age, why is he acting like this? Has something happpened to him? I hope he can receive the appropriate therapy so he can be corrected and heal. You guys are in my thoughts and prayers, (((hugs)))

Oops. that would be "my heart goes out to you" --arthritic fingers, sorry :0)

DANGIT! I had a long reply typed and then somehow it disappears. I think it has to do with me accidentally hitting the control or the windows button down in the left hand corner of my keyboard. I don't think I can type the whole thing again. I was on a tangent, and that doesn't really work when you retype!

The point of my ranting was this: If these people who seem to only care about the abuser really CARE about him, then they need to get him help. He will grow up repeating this behavior, there is almost no doubt. These kind of problems DONT correct themselves. He will be in and out of trouble and in and out of juvenile detention. Then as he gets older, it will be too late to get him the help he needs. They will simply throw him in jail. He won't have a normal life. He won't get married, raise a family, be a productive member of society. He might fool some people for a while. But this doesn't go away and he will be discovered. When we love someone, we do what is best for them, not what is easy or feels good. They can only help him if they get him help. Maybe you can appeal to your husband and his family this way.

By the way, people who can't see the damage and hurt the abuser has done to his victim are SICK, too, but I'll leave that alone for now. The thing is, DONT let him near your kids EVER again. He will repeat this behavior on them or on other little kids. One day he will molest a kid with parents who will beat the crap out of him or get him thrown in jail, and if he is approaching the ages of 16/17 and up, it will be too late to get him help. Not only will he be statistically unable to make the changes, he won't be offered the same kind of help he might get now as a child.

I speak from experience. My stepson molested my daughter for approx 2 years. He is 17 now. He has been in a treatment program for approx a year and is due to be released into foster care in about 2 weeks. We have been lucky. We reported it, they interviewed my daughter (she was 5/6 when the abuse started and told when she was about 8) She told what happened, they sent him to a residential treatment facility where he has had an amazing therapist and group counseling and counseling with me and his dad. He has really changed his life around. He has worked hard. He had to humble himself and open up in order to change. I made it clear, though, that no matter how well he did, he would never sleep under my roof again. I would not go thru that worry again, and would not put any of my other kids in that position. He will be released into a foster care setting with continuing counseling, etc.

They should support you 100%, and that doesn't mean they don't support him, too, but it means they show their support and love for him by HELPING him get better, not helping him hide from his responsibility.

I wish you the best, don't rest until your kids are safe. If your husband can't support you in this, he needs to leave until he can. he doesn't truly love you or the other kids enough if he can't do what is best to keep them safe. Hugs to you, keep coming here and talking, venting, or whatever you need to do. We have all been there and we understand. DONT GIVE UP! Good luck. Jen

I speak from experience.

I called to make counseling appts today because I couldn't wait on CPS any longer. They should get back with me tomorrow, I hope. DS told me today that before the incident happened that SS made my two boys take a shower with him. DS said there was no touching, but something just isnt' right about that. As far as we know, there was just one instance where SS got ds to lick his penis, and then he did it to DS and accidentally bit him. It makes me sick to think my sweet 5 year old has lost his inocence because of this. I wish I would have went with my gut instinct and not left SS to babysit that day. My dd was home, but upstairs in her room sick with the flu. I would give anything to take that day back.
I'm confused on what to dd about this. The police in our town cannot handle the case we were told, Sherriff cannot take it because SS step-father is on the dept. So state police was supposed to take the case. I want to press charges, but I dont' even know if that is possible. I found a treatment facility only 30 minutes away that has a great program for SS, but DH didn't really sound too happy about sending him off. He says he needs his family now more than anything. I tried to tell him that it is his family he is hurting, but he doesn't listen. I told Dh from the beginning that I don't want to go behind his back and do anythng, but by him not talking to me about things, he is making it kinda impossible. I have emailed that facility to see how to get SS admitted, because I think it has to be court ordered. I know I cannot do it myself, but I'm hoping that if I do all the leg work, his parents will see what a good idea it is. And I'm hoping that if the parents are for it, the judge will order it. I just don't see how counseling will help him. He did counseling before, and a year later he molested my son. I find it hard to believe that he went over a year without doing that to someone else. He is around a lot of kids, and I just have a feeling that more is going to come out. But it will never happen if the police dont' do there job and question him. I just don't know how to go about getting things done. We are on Christmas break right now, but go back next Tuesday, and it makes me sick to think they are just going to let him back in school. Meanwhile I feel like I need to go talk to DS teacher and principal and explain the situation, just in case he brings it up to them, and also so they can watch for behavior issues. So far Ds has been acting pretty normal, except he did have one accident on Christmas where he pooped his pants.
Dh is like this in any situation. When he is hurt, he shuts down. He is refusing to go to counseling. I just feel like at the rate we are going he is going to hate me for keeping his son apart from his family. I know I am doing the right thing, and deep down I think he does too. It is just easy for him to blame me, so he does not feel guilty for it. I'm used to being the strong one, but this time I don't think I can handle it. It has been a very rough year for me. I lost my grandmother who meant the world to me. Plus my mother went completley crazy because of alcoholic dementia, and I have had no contact with her in months. I have called the police on my mother, checked her into hospitals, watched her be tranquilized, and had every little thing I've ever done wrong thrown in my face. The last conversation I had with her she told me that I was the reason my grandmother died, that I was a horrible mother, and that she was going to sue me for her medical bills. I just cannot take much more, and I'm afraid this has sent me over the edge. I'm having panic attacks 4-5 times a day, I can't sleep, I spontaneously start crying. My mind is overwhelmed and I feel like I have no hope in helping it. I do have an appt with my doctor next week, but I'm already on anxiety meds and they are just not cutting it. Even right now my chest is hurting so bad it feels like I'm being stabbed. I am trying my hardest to hold it together for my kids but it is just getting to hard.

I had a lot of things happening when my daughter disclosed, also. The day after she disclosed, I had to take my husband to the hospital for emergency surgery. A year and 5 surgeries later, he is still trying to recover. He hasn't worked at all the last 6 months, and now they are taking child support for my stepson out of my paycheck. I only work part time so there is almost nothing left. Our church has been helping us for so long now, I feel horrible being dependent on other people. I had panic attacks, also. Cried all the time, still do cry a lot. We have been thru hell and back. Well, we aren't really back yet. As far as therapy helping him, I believe it must be residential. He needs all rights and privedges stripped from him. He needs to be told when he can eat, sleep, shower, etc. He needs to go to school (usually in-house classes or in a closed "youth in custody" class room. He has to be humbled. He has to face what he did, own up to it, take responsibility. One thing that really helped me was to write. I wrote him a ten page letter telling him about all the pain he has caused, the lasting effects from what he has done. The way it has destroyed the innocence, etc. and tore apart his family. I told him what his future was going to be like if he didn't put every ounce of himself into getting better. That he would have no family if he didn't do everything they told him to do in order to get better. etc. etc. I actually didn't think I would send it at first, but then I re-read it and decided to send it to him. It was so good for me. It was like unloading a ton of weight off of my shoulder. I told him he was in charge of his destiny. That by his efforts he would determine how his life would go. I left it all in his hands. Told him I loved him but I wouldn't be there for him unless he did absolutely everything in his power to beat this demon. He has. Whether or not he can sustain it after he is released remains to be seen. If he does than he is welcome to come home and VISIT. (never to live again) if he doesn't keep up with his new behavior and life, than I will wash my hands of him.

It is not fair or right for your husband to dump this on your shoulders nor should he blame you or hold you accountable for anything that happens to his son. Any action against him is brought on by his own actions. He alone is responsible. I have a question, though, do you know what brought on his behavior? Was he molested himself? Is he exposed to pornography? Does he have access to it? If he does, than it explains a lot. If he wasn't molested or exposed to anything, than it is even scarier because he could have serious mental issues. Is he abusive to animals? Does he seem to have no conscience? Someone has to give you answers. You need to find some kind of crisis center or a place for sexually abused women, maybe they can tell you what to do in order to get the ball rolling. Also, if the child tells a teacher of abuse, she/he is obligated to report it and that might light a fire under the police or sheriff's office. Getting a third party involved might shame them into action!

Hold it together in front of your kids, but go for a drive and park somewhere private and have a good long cry. That's what I had to do countless times. You can do this, it's in our makeup - this momma bear mode - we will defend our children to the death. We are all here for you.

I just joined the group today. I have felt so alone. I am going through the exact same thing. My ss (17) molested and raped my dd (9) over the past 9 months to a year. We found out a couple of months ago and have been dealing with Children's Services and court. It is devastating. My husband is devastated. He had lived with us for 7 years, but has not been in our home since we found out. I only have two feelings numb and rage. Rage only hurts my husband and other ss. And I don't want my dd to see me that way. My husband has been as supportive as he can. Even though I had no idea it was going on, DCS decided that I did. Now they are charging me and dh with neglect. They are having his ex and the ss testify (really?) I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you all. And don't feel quite so alone now.

My dd started counseling as soon as we could get her in. It seems to be helping. But find someone that feels right to you. I talked to almost a dozen over the phone and met in person with 3. The one she is seeing just clicked with me. I couldn't be happier with the support that she is giving.

Your stories break my heart. So many people joining us every day. Not sorry you joined but sorry you need to
This is the hardest thing you will ever go through but as you said we are momma bears and we will defend our children.

Hang in there and do get counseling for yourselves too. It helps when you find an experienced person that knows about abuse.

I need help with the shorthand codes...I figured out Ss is step son but stumped on some of the others. I often refer to our perp as FIL for father in law, better then the real nickname I have for him.

Prayers for you all. Keep coming here and venting, asking questions, life saver.

Pls not us--- I am sorry to hear you are being charged as neglectful by DCS. my cops threatened me with that as well, but in the end they did not charge me, along with that they are not charging my ex with being a sicko molestor which he really is though, and when he does it to another child or rapes another women, i plan to sue the courts for being neglectful after they said that I was neglectful in protecting my children, the courts have put me in a position where i am no longer allowed to protect my children, as they have lifted the "monitored" portion of his visits which he never showed up for, and now he is allowed "unmonitored" visits which he conveniently shows up for now all the time. Its just sick and twisted.

I'm sick now. WE found out last night that step-son has done this before to my son, in April, when we took them to Disney World of all places. He also rubbed up against my 7 year old autistic son a couple weeks ago in the shower. He also admitted to other times with 2 cousins who are 1-2 years younger than him. I remember seeing a red mark on my 7 year olds back side the day ss said it happened. How could I have been so blind? My husband told me all day yesterday that he believed ss hadn't done it more than the one time. I told him that if we sat down and talked to him and found out anthing more that I was pressing charges and pushing for him to get residential treatment. My husband agreed then, but now that we know there was more, he has changed his mind. In fact we were told by my ss step-dad that since my son didn't talk to the guys from CPS that if my husband and bio-mom decide that ss shouldnt' talk to the police that there is no evidence and the whole thing can be dropped. I told my husband that I wasnt' going to make him choose between me and step-son, but if he chooses to not let ss be interviewed that I could never look at him the same again. It disgusts me. I don't know what to do anymore. Since there was an incident with my other son, do I need to report it to the police? I have a call into CPS, but I'll be lucky to hear from them by tomorrow. This is just killing me. I'm having a mental breakdown. I cannot control it anymore. My husband and his entire family, along with ss bio-mom and step-dad, think that he was just being curious, that sending him away would make him feel abandoned, that it would make him worse being around other kids who have done bad things, and that this will ruin his name forever. They are putting him into counseling though. They think that he needs to be showed how much we love him, and we all need to spend extra time with him. No worries about my boys though. I'm pissed, I'm hurt, I'm numb, and I'm sick. I'm a strong person, but I don't think I'm strong enough to go about this on my own. I don't know what to do.

I'm very new here and to all of this, so I don't think I have any advice that would be worth much at this point, but I really wanted to give you a (((HUGS))) I will be praying for you and your sons. Unfortunately, my husband feels very similar about our nephew that our daughters said molested them, so I can kinda understand how you are feeling. It sucks so much! I'm sorry you and your sons are going through this. Hugs!

I know exactly how hard this is. My husband really had a hard time coming to grips with what his son did. It took about 2 weeks for it to hit him. Hang in there. I hope he comes around. But don't give up. You have to protect your children. I loved my SS, I had him for over 7 years. But my children's safety comes before him or my husband (who I love dearly). Love is not going to fix him. Unfortunately counseling may not even fix him. You cannot risk it.

Oh my, what a week. I went ahead and went to the police station on Tuesday to file a report. They told me that I didn't need to file a new report, but needed to contact our CPS caseworker. The did have me fill out a written statement, thank god! So I never heard from the caseworker and Thursday I left a new message telling him it was very important I hear back from him asap. No phone call by Friday, so I went back to the police station begging for help. They gave me the name of my caseworkers supervisor, who just so happened to actually answer his phone!! This is when I was told that I needed to report it to the hotline number as it is a completely new case. So I called and reported everything I know yesterday afternoon. I'm just still in shock that it has been three weeks now and NOTHING has been done except questioning my son. Meanwhile ss has been having himself a good ole time. He's staying with grandparents, playing video games, hanging out with his cousins, getting on the internet, going to school. It makes me sick. My husband is out at my in laws right now spending some time with him. Funny how they don't care to spend time with my boys, THE VICTIMS!! My husband seems to be realizing the severity of this though. He was sitting by me when I called to report it. He is being supportive of what I have to do, even though he may not like it, or help me do it. That is all I ask from him though, understand why I'm doing this, and don't blame me or be mad at me for it. I still can't help to feel that this entire thing sits on my shoulders. I'm the only one who seems to care to do anything about it. I need a break, or atleast a full nights sleep. I feel like I'm breaking down, slowly.

Once you and your kids are in counselling and all the information you can give to the authorities is done you need to step back and try to go back to just being mom. Let the counsellors help your kids and guide you and let the authorities do their job. I know for the first 4 months after disclosure I didn't know what was the come each day, it was scary and I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders trying to be super mom (faking happiness) trying to be investigator, trying to get support for everyone, trying to get my husband to understand or at least get on my team...it was exhausting. Things really didn't start to slightly calm down in my head until a little over a month ago but now next weds court starts so I feel the anxiety coming back. My point is do what you have to do then give yourself a break...take some sleeping pills and sleep. See a counsellor and dump your thoughts on her/him. Take time for meditation or deep breathing. Start planning meals again, cleaning again, taking you time again.