You are doing the right things no matter what anyone around you says or does. You are doing what is best not only for your kids and any future victims, but for your stepson as well. He must have help if he is going to ever have the chance of a normal life. Showering him with extra love and attention does not do anything for him but reinforce the fact that he has everyone fooled and he is in control. I know it sounds harsh, he isn't even a teenager yet, but they learn young to manipulate and then master that skill as they get older.

I am sorry there is no support for you and your kids, it is crazy how people seem to worry more about the perp than the victims. It is so wrong and makes me want to scream. We are here for you, and maybe as you go thru this journey you will find someone closer to home to talk to. Hugs, Jen

So much has happened since I last posted, unfortunatly nothing has changed for the better. SS mom and step-dad got a lawyer and refused to let ss talk to the police. The state police have contacted us a few times to get statements and other info, but thats about it. CPS still insists that it will be up to my 5 year old to disclose in counseling what ss did to him, and only then can charges be filed. The case with my 7 year old will be dropped because he cannot talk to tell anyone what happened. Then, even if my 5 year old talks to his counselor, he will still need to be brought in and questioned by CPS in front of a camera for the witness statement to be valid and for anything to happen. Meanwhile, DH is putting the pressure on me to have ss start coming back over, completely supervised. I'm holding my ground on that though. SS has been to a psychologist 1 time. Funny, they found a guy 30 minutes away that takes on cases for the inmates at jail, and tried to get them off by pleading insanity.
I'm not sure what to do anymore. I've become the bad guy, keeping ss away from his brothers. Everyone else in his life is showering him with attention and fancy trips. He gets to do more now than he did before! He works the concession stand at the school, pretty sure he has a girlfriend, he gets to go to my in-laws after school everyday, DH is spending more alone time with him now than with anyone else. It is just frustrating seeing everyone reward him for what he has done. They say he needs more attention, that we all need to prove to him that we love him. BS!! I'm the only thing that is standing in his way that would make his life go right back to normal, well except the 1 hour a week therapy, big whoop.
My dad has offered to pay for a lawyer for me, but I don't know exactly how that is going to help me. DH is dead against it. Even though I tried to point out to him that bio-mom and step dad are up to something and are trying to keep DH out of ss treatment. The step-dad is trying to protect his job, so I don't put anything past them.
I want justice for my boys. I want ss to get actual help and not ever hurt another person again. Why does this make me the bad guy?

YOU ARE A GOOD MUM AND PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN,THIS KID IS A PHYSCO, DON'T LET HIM BACK IN YOUR HOUSE, YOUR PRIORITY IS THE SAFETY OF YOUR BOYS, THE REST ARE BEHAVING LIKE LOONY, REWARDING HIM IS ONLY PUTTING WOOD ON THE FIRE, HE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND THEN THEY ARE GOING TO SEE HOW EVIL THEY ALSO ARE, ..HERE YEARS BACK 2 SMALL BOYS KIDNAPPED AND KILLED 'JAMES BULGER'' HIS KILLERS HAS BEEN RELEASED WITH A NEW NAME AND GIVEN A HOME AND ALL THE MONEY THEY NEEDS, JUST A FEW MONTHS LATER THE OLDER ONE COMMITTED SEXUAL ABUSE, HE IS BACK WHERE HE BELONGS PRISON...ALL THE PHYSCHIATRIST WHERE WRONG AND SICKER THAN HIM TO HAVE A SICK KILLER OUT....YOU KEEP STRONG AND DON'T TRUST ANYBODY, YOUR HUSBAND CAN GO SEE HIM BY HIMSELF..HAPPY TO KNOW YOUR DAD IS SUPPORTING YOU,LOVE LUCY.

Just found out that on his 2nd visit the psychologist did some test that shows ss has a low risk to offend again. Looks like they are worried more about thier defense then they are about getting ss help. makes me sick.

My sons' offender was classified as unlikely to reoffend too and got a suspended sentence. At least he is a felon and a Megan's law sex offender. When someone is treated all their life like they are the best thing since sliced bread, they develop very effective manipulation and deception skills so they can continue to get whatever they want, never feeling any remorse or accountability for anything, and they become sociopathic. Even a seasoned, highly trained evaluator can be fooled by these creeps in a psychosexual evaluation. A month and a half after our offender's sentencing, he was re-arrested and charged with failure to register as a sex offender, failed to report his new address, and was trying to change his name. I pray to God he won't ever offend again but it looks to me like he hasn't changed his deceptive and manipulative ways.

I'm so sorry you are going thru all this. Focus on what the right thing is for your son. A lawyer may be able to do research to find pertinent cases, ensure the courts are following the law (prosecutors are overworked and are paid far less than private attorneys and can't always do all they want to), s/he can get a private investigator (our offender's high priced attorney got a high priced PI who investigated us looking for dirt, but found none) to see if anyone else has suspicions or any credible info--a consultation may be educational, and give you a better sense of what direction to go from here. Praying something positive happens for you and your son. Peace and strength be with you (((hugs)))

Well DH told me last night that he can't do this anymore and if I don't let ss come back in the house, that he has no choice but to leave. So I guess this is it. He is choosing his son's happiness over our other 3 kids. I'm ok with him leaveing me, it's my kids that have me so upset.He just doesn't see that ss is NOT getting help. They are not sending him to this psych. to get help, they are setting up thier defense. How can you determine someone low risk after meeting with them 1 time?? I just don't understand. So now I definatly need that lawyer, for a divorc :(

DevastatedM,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this, but you are making the right decision. I assure you down the road forever you would be dealing with emotions that would continue to get worse. You're little angel that was molested should never have to look at his abuser again ! Don't give into it 100% of the time a survivor gets worse having to look into the face of their abuser. You're little one needs you to be steadfast in protecting them now from the little monster that abused them.

YOU ARE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION !!!!!!!

HELLO SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR H BEHAVIOUR,HE MUST BE TRULY OUT OF HIS MIND TO CHOOSE THE ABUSER AND ABANDON THE CHILDREN THAT NEED HIM MOST, I CANNOT REALLY SAY WHAT I FEEL.........PLEASE BE STRONG YOU ARE AN ANGEL AND YOUR BABIES NEED YOU, YOU DESERVE A MAN NOT THIS WIMP,LOVE LUCY.

So I figure I would stop in and give an update, not that there really is much. DH decided not to leave, although sometimes I wish he would have. It is still a constant fight over when ss will be able to come over again. And with summer fastly approaching, it will be harder and harder to keep him away from my boys. We spend May-July at the baseball diamond and the chances of running into ss will be great, although I have made it clear that I will not be attending ANY of ss games, even though dh is coaching.
SS had his first court hearing about a month ago, of course we were not notified at all until 2 days before when ss accidentally told DH. So we were not able to be there, but have heard that ss lawyer asked for a differant prosecutor and that it was continued. So now the next court date is next Wednesday, or so we have heard. I'm pissed that we are being left out of what is going on, but in a way it takes some pressure off me. DH has been told to call the probation office to find out what is going on, but whether or not he will do that is not my problem. If he is ok with be left out of ss life, then so am I, I'm done fighting. DH called ss therapist last month and was told they could not talk to him about anything. Which is BS, but if DH doesn't want to get his court papers and find out what he has a legal right to find out, it is NOT my problem. I'm not going to the next court hearing, or any others for that matter, but I don't care what happens anymore. I know that I am protecing my kids from him, and that is all that I can do. Mom and step-dad want to shower him with love, and suprise trips to Disney world, or baseball/football games, lets him have friends spend the night, and pretty much show him that he will get rewarded for MOLESTING my kids, then good for them. When he gets caught molesting again, I will have nothing to do with it, but I will be able to say that I protected my kids and warned my family and friends to protect theirs.
DS is done with counseling for now until we decide to let SS back in our house. His counselor says it can be done and should be done, but I just don't care. I'm sure DH will eventually leave me when he figures out that I will more than likely NEVER let ss back in my house. But we'll cross that bridge when it comes.

I wanted to just tell you to stand your ground. DO NOT let him near them again. Even if they miss him. My stepson molested my daughter for at least 2 years before she told. he estimates at least 300 times, maybe more. She disclosed in Nov of 2010. He was released from residential treatment in Jan. and put into foster care. They decided to let him go back to a regular high school and guess what? He got back onto the internet thru a stolen ipod and went right back to viewing porn, looking at pics of little girls again and being mister "player" by smoking pot and hanging out with lowlifes and playing on facebook, etc. The therapist, and a "tracker" who is supposed to keep track of what he does were totally oblivious to it. I had to find his facebook pages and emails and tell them. They were and somewhat still are totally manipulated by him and his "charm" and nice boy act. There have been hints from the therapist and his case worker about him moving back home. His dad is mad at me half the time because I wont allow it, but I don't care. The therapist and caseworker can jump off a bridge and my husband can leave me. I will NEVER allow him to sleep under the same roof as my babies ever again. PERIOD. EVEN if he becomes a freaking saint with a constantly glowing halo will I allow him access to my other children. For some reason it seems that MOTHERS are the only ones who can sustain the long term fights. Dads just want things to settle down, get easier, they don't want conflict. Don't want to deal with what ifs and problems. But mothers don't give up and don't back down. We can't we are the first and last lines of defense. My daughter misses her brother, she wants him to come home. Doesn't matter. She is not old enough to decide that for herself. She misses her "buddy" but he was only her "buddy" to get to her. To get her to trust him. She won't discuss the abuse. She won't talk to a therapist, she won't even talk to me about it. And they want me to subject her to his presence again so HIS life will get back to normal??? Sorry, not going to happen. Not on my watch and if I die, my sister will never let it happen. If she dies, my best friend won't let it happen. You get the picture. Sorry, I am ranting, but what you have written makes me so mad. You should not have to do the leg work. You should not have to justify or defend what you are doing. THEY should be supporting YOU. It makes absolutely NO SENSE. I can't stand this crap!!! I was one of the lucky ones in that my son confessed, the DA and all those involved have only had my daughters best interest at heart, and getting my stepson help so he doesn't reoffend. I know I mentioned that they want to reunite the family, but I think that basically that is supposed to be their "legal" goal. Neither of them would push too hard or try to force it to happen. I have had a lot of support from the "system" in my state. My husband waffles sometimes but mostly supports and understands. But he hates it when I reread something from the last year (I was just rereading my stepsons lie detector results a few days ago) because it puts me back at the beginning and all the emotions and anger. He justs wants everything to be calm and easy. He doesn't offer much sympathy for my tears, etc. Oh well, can't have it all I guess.

PLEASE, keep coming here for support. We do understand. Sometimes you don't get a reply right away because sometimes this whole subject becomes emotionally exhausting and we have to recharge. but we are all here for each other when noone else really is. Hugs to you, keep up the fight. Stay strong! DON"T let him back. Period. Don't cave, don't waffle. I know you won't, you sound like a strong mama bear!! Take care. Jen

You are doing the right thing. Protecting our children is in our blood. You are right men are different. You would think that most would want to go beat the crap out of someone that molested their child , but most just bottle it up and go on. They put it in their little compartment and don't want to talk about it.

Don't give in. I can't imagine if my daughter had to be around my father in law after disclosing. I make sure that never ever happens. We have been excluded from all family functions which is fine with me. I don't want to be around a family that denies what he has done to my daughter and I certainly dont' want to break bread with a sicko. I think they will always have set backs and healing will not happen if they are around the abuser.

Keep up the great fight.
Jennifer you always amaze me as well with your strength. Your children will understand one day when they have their own children.

I don't even know what to say at this point. DH told me that I just need to get over it all and that ss just made one mistake and I need to forgive him so we can get on with our lives. He says that I'm hurting ss by not letting him be a part of our family. He's fine with ss not being in therapy anymore because he knows ss will never do anything like this again. I'm shocked. I kinda had a feeling that is how DH felt, but he's not came right out and said all that to me. It was a huge slap in the face. I hate him, I hate him for not trying to protect our youngest kids, I hate him for not wanting ss to get actual help, and I hate him for blaming me. I told him I was not going to court because I know I will just get upset having to listen to ss lie about not doing it. That pissed him off too, he thinks I need to be there to show ss support. I just don't understand what he is thinking, and a little part of me wonders if I'm just making a huge deal out of nothing. But I was in this same boat 2 years ago when we found out ss did this to his half-sister at his moms. I gave in then and it happened to my kids. I can't give in again, but I can't continue to live like this. Eventually it will come down to DH sneaking around and letting my kids around ss. I don't even know what to do or think anymore.

HELLO,SO SORRY YOUR H IS NOT SUPPORTING YOU, IT IS UP TO YOU TO MAKE SURE YOUR CHILDREN ARE SAFE, WHATS WRONG WITH YOUR H, DOESN'T HE CARES ABOUT THE CHILDRENS, HE MAKES ME SICK.. I FEEL FOR YOU HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE SITUATION, UNBELIEAVEBLE, IT IS SO EVIDENT THAT THIS BOY IS SICK AND NEEDS HELP, NOT BEING AROUND CHILDREN..STAY STRONG AND COURAGEOUS AND DON'T LET ANYBODY BULLY YOU, LOVE LUCY..

I'm so sorry for all you have had to go through. My 19 year old son sexually abused his 13 year old sister by fondling her breast a little over a year ago. I reported it immediately but he was not indited until 7 months later. I kept him away from my daughter for 3 months then allowed him to come to my house and join family events, which I now regret. My daughter did not want to be around him but I insisted. After he was indited, some of my older sons said that I had ruined his life because he was charged with a felony and now has to be on the sex offender registry for life. Now my and my 2 daughters have been excluded from family events...it's like my daughter is being punished for what my son did. I am taking my two daughters and moving away from them all when my lease is up on my apartment in November. Good for you for protecting your son! If your husband can't understand that then he has a problem, not you.

Aw man, I am so sorry it has come to this for you. I still do not understand why people think warm fuzzies will make it all better. They think if they show the perp enough "love" he will change. This is not going to do it. My son was in a residential treatment facility for a YEAR and came out of it and immediately started back looking at porn, even though he KNOWS it will set him back and possibly put him back in residential treatment. These perps are MASTER manipulators, even at young ages. They have learned what to say and do and how to act to fool everyone. They know how to fly under the radar. The thing that all of these people around your stepson are missing is this simple point: IF THEY WANT HIM TO STAND A CHANCE OF A NORMAL LIFE IN THE FUTURE, THEY MUST GET HIM HELP NOW. I don't mean a few sessions with a therapist where he BS's his way thru and says the things the therapist wants to hear. I mean intensive, intraspective (sp), serious, residential therapy. If not residential than intense, like almost daily therapy, and group therapy. If they truly love him as they say they do, they must do the HARD work like getting him to be honest and take responsibility and get help. THIS DOES NOT GO AWAY. The simple fact that your husband isn't supporting you or your young children is disturbing. If it were me, I would ask him to move out until he can be on the side of protecting your children, You need legal help to make sure he is not allowed to take your little ones around the stepson. See, the thing is, I didn't stop loving my son, but I couldn't allow him to NOT get the help he needed in order to have a good future, and be able to be a productive NON OFFENDING member of society. We support our daughter daily, too, It doesn't have to be a choice between them, but there are differences in what you must require, as a parent, from the offending child. You MUST hold that child accountable. No amount of love will make them change. In fact, you reinforce the idea that they can get away with it and have everyone eating out of the palm of their hand.. It is important that the offending child knows you are serious and that they will lose the family they have if they don't do everything in their power to change. I will say that reading the lie detector results really opened my husband's eyes. Take care of what is most important your children and yourself. Let your husband make his choice, but DO NOT BEND. You little ones are counting on you. You can do this. We are here for you. Hugs, Jen