Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi all, please give me some insight or thoughts.. Im hurting so bad. I am NOT a mother, but I need to understand my mothers perspective.
I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was abused by my father 30 years ago. I hid the abuse for all the classic reasons. 6 years ago, as my own daughter became the same age I was when it happened, the memory re-surfaced and I began to struggle. I finally found myself telling my mother why I was not interested in family gatherings or being close to "dad". Thankfully, my step father admitted the abuse to my mother so at least I never had to deal with not being believed. At the time, my step father was very ill. My mother was of course very upset and angry. We talked about it, she and I .. she wanted to leave him but was afraid what that would do to my brothers (who did not know) and my own children (who were young). Long story short, she felt my step father would die soon and that we should just keep quiet for a few months. Fast forward six years later. The memories of the abuse have become "louder" and I am really struggling with the damage that was done. My step father is not dead, but he is in long term care now. My mother stayed with him all this time. providing a level of care that was above and beyond what most would get. We have had some struggles over that... our relationship was tense but it existed. As part of healing, I finally decided to press charges against my step father (there is no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse where I am). I realize he is ill and I don't expect him to ever step in a court, but I needed to call it what it was and make the report for what it was. The day I filed the report, my mother called the police to report that I had threatened to kill my step father and they should charge me with uttering death threats! I had not done this at all, I had confided to her once that I had fantasies as a child of killing him, but,... !! My relationship with my mother is now completely destroyed.
Please mothers,,,,Why would she do this? I need support now, and no one is there... I feel like not only has she chosen him over me, but she is seeking to hurt me deeper or at the very least prevent my healing. Why would any woman stay with a man who abused her child? Why would she put his interests over hers? Why would she make a false claim to the police? As a child I was afraid to tell cause I was afraid my family would break up if I did. Now as an adult, 30 years later, I told and my family is in a shambles. how did this happen??
I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was abused by my father 30 years ago. I hid the abuse for all the classic reasons. 6 years ago, as my own daughter became the same age I was when it happened, the memory re-surfaced and I began to struggle. I finally found myself telling my mother why I was not interested in family gatherings or being close to "dad". Thankfully, my step father admitted the abuse to my mother so at least I never had to deal with not being believed. At the time, my step father was very ill. My mother was of course very upset and angry. We talked about it, she and I .. she wanted to leave him but was afraid what that would do to my brothers (who did not know) and my own children (who were young). Long story short, she felt my step father would die soon and that we should just keep quiet for a few months. Fast forward six years later. The memories of the abuse have become "louder" and I am really struggling with the damage that was done. My step father is not dead, but he is in long term care now. My mother stayed with him all this time. providing a level of care that was above and beyond what most would get. We have had some struggles over that... our relationship was tense but it existed. As part of healing, I finally decided to press charges against my step father (there is no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse where I am). I realize he is ill and I don't expect him to ever step in a court, but I needed to call it what it was and make the report for what it was. The day I filed the report, my mother called the police to report that I had threatened to kill my step father and they should charge me with uttering death threats! I had not done this at all, I had confided to her once that I had fantasies as a child of killing him, but,... !! My relationship with my mother is now completely destroyed.
Please mothers,,,,Why would she do this? I need support now, and no one is there... I feel like not only has she chosen him over me, but she is seeking to hurt me deeper or at the very least prevent my healing. Why would any woman stay with a man who abused her child? Why would she put his interests over hers? Why would she make a false claim to the police? As a child I was afraid to tell cause I was afraid my family would break up if I did. Now as an adult, 30 years later, I told and my family is in a shambles. how did this happen??
My daughter was 4 when she was raped and molested by her 12 yr old brother but she didn't disclose this to us until she was 17. Had we found out about it at the time our son would have been taken out of our home and he never would have lived with us again. We have been estranged from our adult son for over 2 years now. He did confess but showed little remorse for what he did. So I DO NOT understand how your mother could pick this sick man over you. Something is wrong with her, not you.
I know that this doesn't help you with the horrible pain that you are feeling. Please find other people in your life to support you right now. Do you have a spouse or significant other who can support you ? Find a therapist who is trained in child sexual abuse. The counseling will help you to cope with the fall out of this and the memories that have surfaced. Come here often. We understand and you will have many mama bears who would be more than willing to support you thru this.
Please don't back down with these charges. I am sure he has other victims. Rarely do adult abusers abuse only one child. He needs to pay for what he did to you.
I also want to give you hope. When I was 29 I disclosed that I had been sexually abused by my 17 yr old cousin. I was only 10 yrs old. My parents were not very supportive and it was very painful for me, almost worse than the abuse was. I had a wonderful therapist and a supportive husband and friends. I healed and you will too! It takes time and it will be difficult at times but it is possible. My daughter has done it as well.
We are here for you. You are a hero, my friend!! Let us know how we can best support you. You may never be able to understand why your mother did this but you will come to understand how worthy, lovable , strong and valuable you are. Don't ever forget that!
Hugs, Laura
My guess is that your mother is concerned about what this report will do to HER -- i.e., her standing in the community, among friends, etc It's likely to come out that you told had all those years ago. By refusing to leave that monster, she made her allegiance clear -- she didn't want to lose a second husband. It's easier for her to turn against her dear daughter -- to make it seem, perhaps, as if you didn't disclose the abuse when you were young, and as if you may be unstable now -- than it is for her to end up old and alone. And by alone, she wouldn't just lose a husband, but also friends who will be horrified to learn what she has put you through all these years. I can't imagine the kind of bargains she has tried to make with God over the past couple of decades, but I bet God remains unconvinced.
This is pathetic and sad, by which I mean SHE is pathetic, and it's making you sad. It makes me sad, too. And mad. When will women learn that they are better off single than with a nightmare of a husband?
This crime tears apart too many families. I'm so sorry this has come to pass in your own. Those of us who post on this site can't possibly make up for what you have lost with your mom, but I know that all of us will all support you and listen to you anytime you need to vent. I do hope you'll keep us posted on your legal proceedings.
Fast forward I now have three children and found out last year he abused my two year old daughter. As soon as I found out I cut off contact with them and reported to the police. The police interviewed my mom and step dad and he said my mom told him at least this will prove once and for all my step dad is a safe person.
Im sorry for what you are going through and I know how devestating it is to your heart. I wish I knew why mothers can do what ours has I have a friend whose mother has also done the same. But we cant change them nor should we allow our lives to be overcome with their poor choices. Get help with counseling. I am doing emdr which I find very helpful it helps resolve trauma. The abuse was actually easier to heal from for me than what my mom did. So I am specifically working on the trauma from her.
I can tell you healing for me happened because God literally showed up in my life and loved me like I have never been loved completely accepted me with all my flaws, loved unconditionally, told me vengeance is mine saith the Lord, He would protect and avenge the injustice but more than that restore to me what was taken. It is a long journey but one worth taking. I believe in healing for you, for me and my daughter that good does triumph over evil. Although our family tolerates the abuser God does not and if you read the bible there are many implications to the choices your step dad made and oneday maybe soon he will stand beforr God and make an account of his life. Luke 17:2
It would be better for them to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around their neck than to cause one of these little ones to stumble
I hope it helps to know you are not alone and also there are many parents like these wonderful women here and yourself that would do the right thing for their children despite the awful choices thier parents made to not protect them. I truly feel better having released them from my life they were like poison and I didn't want that around me or my young children.
One thing after being on here for about a year or so is that perps tend to align themselves with the same kind of people. It's amazing on here how similar each persons story is with different variations of violence, I would say. I guess ultimately this helps us because it makes the actions of perp allies the same thing over and over.
And so because of this I can tell you how familiar it is to hear of a perp ally attempting to discredit the accuser. That is such a familiar tactic. So familiar that I have read and seen this over and over and in fact I have experienced it too. It IS often a result of extreme vanity whereas motivated so strongly by the fear of not wanting to look bad. Thus you have your mother shutting you up and halting your healing in exchange for preservation of her identity (who she wants people to think she is).
This is evil at work. A mom isn't worried about her public appearance over her daughters wellness.
Bet ya in your moms mind she was justified in doing so bc she told herself that it was okay to shut you up for this man is dying so his threat is gone. Guess she disagreed with you and wanted him left alone. But if that were the case, discussing her feelings with you would have been the right thing to do and leave the final decision yours. Not this hurtful, controlling, lying, manipulative block she placed. And how stupid - to call the police and say you're threatening to kill an already near dead man?!?!? Who in this world (not that well it's a lotta people on earth n just about anyth can happen). Who would waste their time, energy, struggles of conscience, efforts of hiding, maintaining a lie for a life time - on an already dying man?
In my case, it has been my in-laws who have historically attempted to discredit my credibility. This did this over matters involving my sister-in-law before I knew about my husband. Despite my sister-in-laws arrest and indicated report w CPS, my in laws made her Vacation Bible School teacher in their church. This was good for me to know - so that upon discovering their son's secret, I knew not to reach out to them and could predict their response to my discovery.
This being said. How do you deal with your mothers vanity that motivates her more than love and concern for your wellness? Well that's the one two sucker punch you are left with in what I call the wake of sh@& left behind from the perp. Like heartsad said, her mothers actions hurt her more than the perp. It is a very severe injustice you have been dealt. The pain from that is raw. Hopefully with time and counseling you can move past their damage. Were here for you. One thing about all of this though, I have also said this similarly in the past - this level of assault renders us stronger for really surfacing who our true friends and family are and are not. I will tell you also family are those that act like family in my mind.
Best wishes for your healing.
I can relate to your situation... My story is long and complicated but I will try and sum it up quickly...
My 13 year old brother came to visit my family two years ago and while he was staying with my family he raped my 5 her old daughter 4 times. She said he did it every day of his trip... He stayed 5 days.
My daughter disclosed to me when I put my brother on the airplane to go back to our mother. I called my mother and told her immediately... Thinking that she would take actions to protect my hips and punish my brother. NOPE, not at all... She didn't believe me... She never edn asked my brother if he did anything until I was I the ER with my daughter... Then she finally realized how serious I was and she asked him. He denied EVERYthing... And my mother believed him.... A few hours later I was reporting the crime to the police and called my mother for her address... She refused to give it to me... She hung up on me, and called me back 20'minutes later with the name of my brothers new attorney...!!! So that's how it was...
I tried to talk to my mother in a rational way about everything but it did not end well... She told me she was sorry she had to abandon me again but she was not going to abandon her son. I cut all communication with her and focused on my daughter and my healing process...
At the year anniversary of my daughters disclosure and abuse, I take my daughter to visit with my father who I had not seen in three years. Upon returning from this overnight trip, I was flooded with the return of my repressed memories... I remember in great detail and accuracy the sexual abuse my father put me through... Almost daily from the ages of 2-4 and other abuse as well... I start to work on this with my counselor and I confront my father... Who denies EVERYthing and continues to gaslight me to this day...!!!
Fast forward, another six months so now 1.5 years after my daughters disclosure... My brother settles in court for lesser charges, and is sentenced to 6'months probation and 6 months family counseling twice a week...
My mother requests a conversation with me, she said she is really to "clear the air" so I agree to a phone conversation... I have a list of things I plan on talking about with her. I tell her I forgive her, she almost uses all her amo trying to shoot me down with her words all the reasons I should be apologizing to her not forgiving her. During this wonderful conversation I disclose to my mother the abuse I endured and my returned memories about my father...
Apparently my father had called my mother already even though they do not have a relationship at all... And my mother chose to believe my father is innocent and she told me she thought I was schizofrenic and that I should be locked away for life in vs mental hospital...!!!
I had not talked to her since, except once when she called to tell me she loved me and that's all... Not sure what was eating her concious that day, but I know she is not "cured" of her curelty! In a recent conversation with a cousin of mine from my mothers side of the family, my cousin explained to me that my mother is going around tellig everyone who will listen to her (my whole family!) that I raped my own daughter so that I could try and manipulate money from her and my brothers father... It was all a money grabbing scheme!!! To which I simply responded... Then why did my brother plead guilty??? And where is my f"@$% money??? So far I'm in debt big time from counseling bills and trips to the ER...!!! But it is a inventive cover my mother has come up with to protect her reputation...!!!
So that's my story... And my advice...???? Disconnect with anyone who supports this monster in your life... Yes even if that person if your mother... When I reaserched about why my mother could do this, I realized that she was a sociopath...!!! And although it was so hard to realize the truth... That my mother never loved me because she never had the capability to love me, it hurt, but so much less than wondering why she loved me but still treated me like dirt...!!! She never loved me, she did have the ability to know what love was. She didn't love me the way I love my daughter... She functions in a different head space than I ever will...!!! No I don't understand it all that much... But I am so relieved to know that she never loved me... So that is why she can treat me like this..!!! Sociopaths can not experience love and all the loving relationships you see them in had more to do with what they can get out of them not what it feels like... That is why my mother only dates rich men... Or men who can give her something she wants ( she was married to a heroin addict for the first half of my life) she is totally disfuctional... And is not. Healthy person for me to have in my life or my daughters life... Sooooooo I disconnected from her... I have disconnected with any one who would side with any perpetrator!!! I had completely disconnected myself from my family wih the exception of one aunt who says she believes me and is willing to no talk to my father at all anymore in order to maintain the relationship with me... It was such a. Shock to met at she chose to stand beside me despite the fact that her husband is my fathers brother, she is still willing to disconnect with my father so that she honors my needs and can be there as a support for me...!!! It was a shock because this is how I think any parent should act... But it wasn't my parent it was an aunt my marriage that gave me that respect...
Do not expect anything less from "family" by family, I mean not the blood relatives but the people that will stand beside you and hold your hand when you need it most...!!! So now I had my own family. My husband and daughter and I have two BFF's that I consider to be my FAMILY...!!!! This one aunt and that is about it for me..!!!! But once I made some clear boundries about who and what was allowed into my life I stared to begin to heal... And to really feel loved and protected...!!!
I can tell that your mother was never really your family... If she was she would be beside you prosecuting her sick husband...!!! And that is just the reality... She is not your family... But do not dispear... Their Are good people in this world and you deserve to find them and make them your new family... You can start right here... We will be your on line family and your warm embrace to run to when you need protection... We all understand your pain in our own way and we all want to see you healed and your perpetrator PAY!!!!
I'm sending loving comfort and warm hugs your way...!!!
In a perfect world abuse would never happen but you would think that society would support those who have been hurt in this horrible way but sadly many family members do not. You did the right thing and I am glad that you are in counseling getting the help that you need. Anger is completely normal and very justified. Anger propelled me in the beginning and it did help me get some serious healing started. Let it out in safe ways. Get a punching bag, run a mile, punch a pillow, scream in your car when you are alone, keep a journal. There are as many ways as there are people to get that anger out. My daughter wrote poetry. I came here and vented a lot. It was a safe place where others understood.
Whatever you choose , continue to put yourself first right now.
Laura
Bandmom who says we achieve healing in our own ways.
Lovesmama who so names one more concerned w her needs over the needs of her child a sociopath
Warriormama who says it's not stupid what you did. In fact I will add perhaps you did that out of love without realizing the love wasn't coming in return. I don't think your loving is ever wrong or stupid - just you're healthier than she.
Most of all, I just wanted you to realize you weren't stupid - in fact healthier
Let the anger out... Come here and vent, if your part of incest survivors suppor group that is another great place to vent your frustrations...!!! Everyone here and there knows what to is like to be in your shoes... No one will judge you, and you will see that you are in fact a good person, a survivor amoungst like minded awesome brave people just like you...!!!
I don't know if you've seen this....
https://1in6.org/men/get-information/online-readings/others-who-were-involved-or-not/why-do-adults-fail-to-protect-children-from-sexual-abuse-or-exploitation/
It's full of good sense. The end of the article sums up what everyone else has said above:
"...depending on your personal situation, understanding what might have gotten in the way may – or may not – reduce your feelings of disappointment, betrayal, or anger toward a person or group who failed to protect you or someone you love.
"Finally, why people fail to protect a child from unwanted or abusive sexual experiences, especially if you were the child, are never merely “reasons” to be “understood.” They are tragic and painful realities that people who face them cannot help but struggle with, even grieve over – hopefully with the help of others who care and can truly help with sorting it out, however long that may need to take."
Be as angry as you need to be. What happened to you then wasn't fair. What happened to you now isn't fair. You have earned your anger. Spend it all.