Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi all, please give me some insight or thoughts.. Im hurting so bad. I am NOT a mother, but I need to understand my mothers perspective.
I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was abused by my father 30 years ago. I hid the abuse for all the classic reasons. 6 years ago, as my own daughter became the same age I was when it happened, the memory re-surfaced and I began to struggle. I finally found myself telling my mother why I was not interested in family gatherings or being close to "dad". Thankfully, my step father admitted the abuse to my mother so at least I never had to deal with not being believed. At the time, my step father was very ill. My mother was of course very upset and angry. We talked about it, she and I .. she wanted to leave him but was afraid what that would do to my brothers (who did not know) and my own children (who were young). Long story short, she felt my step father would die soon and that we should just keep quiet for a few months. Fast forward six years later. The memories of the abuse have become "louder" and I am really struggling with the damage that was done. My step father is not dead, but he is in long term care now. My mother stayed with him all this time. providing a level of care that was above and beyond what most would get. We have had some struggles over that... our relationship was tense but it existed. As part of healing, I finally decided to press charges against my step father (there is no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse where I am). I realize he is ill and I don't expect him to ever step in a court, but I needed to call it what it was and make the report for what it was. The day I filed the report, my mother called the police to report that I had threatened to kill my step father and they should charge me with uttering death threats! I had not done this at all, I had confided to her once that I had fantasies as a child of killing him, but,... !! My relationship with my mother is now completely destroyed.
Please mothers,,,,Why would she do this? I need support now, and no one is there... I feel like not only has she chosen him over me, but she is seeking to hurt me deeper or at the very least prevent my healing. Why would any woman stay with a man who abused her child? Why would she put his interests over hers? Why would she make a false claim to the police? As a child I was afraid to tell cause I was afraid my family would break up if I did. Now as an adult, 30 years later, I told and my family is in a shambles. how did this happen??
I am an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was abused by my father 30 years ago. I hid the abuse for all the classic reasons. 6 years ago, as my own daughter became the same age I was when it happened, the memory re-surfaced and I began to struggle. I finally found myself telling my mother why I was not interested in family gatherings or being close to "dad". Thankfully, my step father admitted the abuse to my mother so at least I never had to deal with not being believed. At the time, my step father was very ill. My mother was of course very upset and angry. We talked about it, she and I .. she wanted to leave him but was afraid what that would do to my brothers (who did not know) and my own children (who were young). Long story short, she felt my step father would die soon and that we should just keep quiet for a few months. Fast forward six years later. The memories of the abuse have become "louder" and I am really struggling with the damage that was done. My step father is not dead, but he is in long term care now. My mother stayed with him all this time. providing a level of care that was above and beyond what most would get. We have had some struggles over that... our relationship was tense but it existed. As part of healing, I finally decided to press charges against my step father (there is no statute of limitations on child sexual abuse where I am). I realize he is ill and I don't expect him to ever step in a court, but I needed to call it what it was and make the report for what it was. The day I filed the report, my mother called the police to report that I had threatened to kill my step father and they should charge me with uttering death threats! I had not done this at all, I had confided to her once that I had fantasies as a child of killing him, but,... !! My relationship with my mother is now completely destroyed.
Please mothers,,,,Why would she do this? I need support now, and no one is there... I feel like not only has she chosen him over me, but she is seeking to hurt me deeper or at the very least prevent my healing. Why would any woman stay with a man who abused her child? Why would she put his interests over hers? Why would she make a false claim to the police? As a child I was afraid to tell cause I was afraid my family would break up if I did. Now as an adult, 30 years later, I told and my family is in a shambles. how did this happen??
Naive1
Thanks, heart. I'm glad to know that.
deleted_user
If one is religious there is scripture that talks about placing your spouse before your children. Some take this to heart no matter the consequences. She also may feel vulnerable and in denial. Even though he admitted to the abuse it probably didn't become real to her until you filed charges at which point she needed to save face. She married this man and lived with him all these years, to admit he is an abuse is admitting that she made a lifelong mistake. When I asked my mother to do a statement for my daughter's case, she was "concerned" about how the people in the community would take this as it was a very small community and she is a business owner. I asked her how dare she be concerned about something so trivial when a man she brought into our lives that no one liked then or now, but she protected, took my daughter's childhood way from her. She shamefully agreed to make the statement. My daughter only admitted to her abuse years after my mother and the abuser divorced. She didn't protect him, but she sure didn't want to address the issue. Denial is an amazing coping mechanism. Not a good one, but an effective one, until reality is in your face.
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