Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group

This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !

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jennifermom 01/16/2011

So, on Nov. 29th my 8 year old daughter revealed to me that her brother (actually a half brother, but she doesn't think of it that way because he has been in her life since she was born - I have raised him since he was 5) had been molesting her. The best she and he can figure it has been going on for at least 2 years, possibly longer. If that isn't enough to make me sick, he confessed to his dad last night when his dad was visiting him in juvenile detention where he has been since Nov. 29th, that he also victimized a girl that lived next door to us before we moved 10 months ago. He says he just grabbed her butt (which is bad enough) but I don't believe that is all he did. He is getting nervous because he is about to be moved to a secure facility - a boys home type of place for teens who are in trouble for sex type problems. He has learned that they will do a polygraph pretty soon after he gets there. I was just starting to sleep again at night and had finally been able to put the pictures in my head to rest when this happened. I am back to square one. I have this sick feeling that more is going to come out.

I am trying to decide if I should go see him tonight. It is a visiting night. I haven't seen him except for 2 court appearances. I didn't get to talk to him at those appearances. I wrote him an 8 page letter in the first couple of weeks, but haven't written since because all I can think of to write is mean and hateful stuff. So, I write it but don't send it. The place he is supposed to be placed at either Monday or Tuesday is about an hour away. I don't think I will have the chance to see him very often (don't know if I even want to, except there will be family counseling sessions we will be expected to go to) So this might be my last opportunity to confront him and ask him all the questions that have been going around in my head.

I still don't know all of what took place, my daughter does NOT want to talk about it AT ALL. They wouldn't let me see or listen to the interview or view the tape. I may be able to request the police report now that it has been adjudicated but I don't know if it will tell me everything. I feel like I need to know what all happened so that I can understand what she went thru and so I know what kind of questions she will have as she grows up. She has already made mention of how she never wants to have kids, and about pregnancy and how there is a way to prevent it. That is not something we had discussed, she is only 8! I figure he must have said something to her. Should I find out what happened or is it better that I don't know???

Should I go see him tonight and ask him all the questions I have. I need to know if there are other victims and how many times he abused her with her little brother in the room?? and there are a lot more questions. My husband said I shouldn't go because I am going to lose control and yell and scream, I say, so what!?!?! What I really want to do is slap him silly. I suppose the security officers would stop me, so I probably won't.

Any advice or suggestions will be appreciated.

deleted_user 01/16/2011

How old is he? As for the tape, they won't let you see or hear it because it is evidence. When a trial is complete, or he pleads guilty, then you can see it. Personally for me? I won't see my daughters. If I am in the courtroom when they show it, I will walk out. I read the report of what happened to her after she disclosed (she was to embarrassed and ashamed to tell me) and I'll tell ya, after I got done throwing up, bawling my eyes out, feeling so much hate and emotions, it changed my "normal" forever. I needed to read it tho. Reading it was one thing ,but to watch a tape and hear it from her mouth I'm afraid would put me back to the bad emotion stage so to speak.

Don't expect the boy to reveal everything. If he revealed anything, your lucky. But without knowing his age, not really sure.

deleted_user 01/16/2011

Jennifer, I'm so sorry your having to go through this too. I know how difficult this is. There will be time for you to ask all the questions you want after he goes to the Boys home. They will arrange a time and place to facilitate this talk. At least thT is what happened in my case. It was like a onion, more and more was reviled as time went on. I thought it would never stop. Maybe your husband is right. Maybe you shouldn't see him right now. There will be time to talk later when you have the support you need. I hope you are seeking counseling for you and your daughter. The councilor can help facilitate the conversation so you can say exactly what you want to say, and ask the questions that you need answers to.
I hope this helps, again I'm so sorry. This is a great place to vent. Lots of love from one mom to another.

jennifermom 01/16/2011

thank you all, my stepson is 16 now. He was probably 13 or 14 when he started this. I think you are right JustAmom, I think maybe reading it is enough. I am not sure if I could ever stop the movie in my head if I actually heard it. They interviewed my 6 year old son, and 13 year old daughter also. I think if I saw those tapes it would be the same. My innocent little ones saying such horrible things, I don't even want to think of it. I am waiting for the counselor for my daughter to have room for her, then it will be play therapy. I don't think she would just sit down and talk to someone at her age. I am hoping to get my 6 year old son into play therapy also. He was in the room at least once when it happened and probably more. I know he feels guilty for not telling me when his brother locked him out when his sister was still in the room. He told me later that he thought something weird was going on. As for me, I will look for a counselor when the "victims reparations" money is available, as I have no insurance for me and no $$. I love the boy but I hate him too. He says he is sorry and that he has told everything, but then he mentions this last night after 45 days in which he could have told it. So, he can't be completely sorry and remorseful and want to change if he is still withholding info right?!?!

Thanks so much, as always, for the support and encouragement. I am so thankful that I found this site.
Love to you all.

raniagale 01/16/2011

For me personally, I was not ready for all the details at first. What I heard from the investigors was more than a person should have to hear and completely devastating. I did later (almost a year after the trial) ask for the transcripts and police reports so that I could better understand and help my daughter.

In my experience (I worked for a juvenile sex offender unit for almost 15 years), further disclosures usually do come out, but like Amygiiles mentioned above, it is like an onion, one layer at a time.

I agree that I would wait until I could speak to my therapist, my daughter's therapist and the treatment team at the facility before confronting and questioning him. There are so many emotions that it is so difficult and I think I would need that support.

It took my daughter about two years before she could talk more openly about what happened. She was mainly just so happy it had stopped and she no longer had to worry that she didn't want to think about it - she wanted to just be a normal little girl for a change. We are on year five now after disclosure and when issues come up, she is able to talk about them either with me or her therapist.

I am so sorry that you are going through this...it is true hell, but there are a lot of great people here on this group that will listen, validate what you're feeling and help support you through all the ups and downs.

jennifermom 01/16/2011

Part of what is hard is that my daughter still loves her brother and misses him. I suppose when this was happening from such a young age, she didn't really remember any different (gag). I want her to be mad at him too, but I am not telling her what to feel, I just tell her that he is going to be gone for a long time and he is at a place where they can help him learn to make good choices. When I told her that what he had done is against the law, her eyes got big and she was shocked. I want her to talk about it, but I am not asking or rushing her. I realize it may take a long time. I guess I have decided not to go see him tonight. What upsets me also, is that the other victim was our next door neighbor and if they have to go talk to her, it might end up all over the school, and my two little ones still go to that school. She is not going to be ok if people at school start asking her about it. Oh well. We'll cross that crocodile infested moat when we get to it.

Thanks for all the advice.

annholly 01/17/2011

JM, My girls have never revealed what was done to them. At first I was obsessed with knowing, now I am obsessed with their healing. They have told their counselors, so at least I know its being talked about. This is the very hard thing about incest, they still have a love relationship with the abuser. They are still loyal to them. It is good that you are writing those letters, at least you are getting it out. How is your husband handling all this? Is it possible that your stepson was abused also? Possibly very young? I know this is the hardest thing that any of us will ever have to deal with. But we will come out on the other side!!!!!! Hugs to you. H

mommaKL 01/19/2011

Jennifer you have a lot on your plate. What a horrible place to be in. Prayers for you and your family.
I too was obsessed with wanting all the details and then when i would get any I would get physically ill and emotionally even sicker. I'm not sure the right thing to do but just know all your feelings are normal and you will go through so many stages. This is an awesome place to come and vent and ask questions and get support. It has helped me so much, that and a weekly trip to the counselor and seeing my daughter get her life back.

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