Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi everyone. I've been a little quiet as of late, but I'm back.
For those who don't know me, my child was abused by a care giver between the ages of around 9 and 13. Said care giver was stupid enough to photograph and video themselves committing the acts, so we were some of the fortunate ones to get a relatively quick conviction (without trial) and a civil settlement with the employers of the care giver. Our daughter didn't come forward until years after the abuse. Even though it seems odd to use a word like "fortunate" in any abuse related case, I've read enough stories to know that things worked out better for us than most. Our perp was put in jail 3 years ago and isn't due out for many years.
I'm here today to ask a question that I've been wondering about a lot lately and it's related to the long-term effects of horrific acts like this on the parents. We all know about and worry about what our children will deal with the rest of their lives, but I think sometimes we forget how we're going to be affected as well. With that in mind, my question is simply this...
Beyond the obvious things directly related to the trauma you faced, have you noticed other changes in your life/personality that maybe aren't so directly related?
In case my question isn't particularly clear, because I'm struggling with the whole concept a bit myself, let me give you an example. Since the time that our legal ordeal was completed, I've noticed significant changes in my personality/actions. One example is that I've become very criitcal of myself. I find that I regularly beat myself up over and over about things I did or mistakes that I made in the past, often as much as 30-35 years ago. I sometimes find that I have a hard time focusing on things that I should be doing, at work and other places and then I get angry at myself about that. I never used to be this self-critical, at least not before the "ordeal". I don't think I'm depressed, though I'm certainly no expert on what depression is, but generally speaking, I used to be a lot more highly functioning and self-confident than I am today.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, where the abuse is sometime in the past and you feel like you've fundamentally changed from the way you were before you knew about the abuse? If so, did you find a way to "snap out of it"?
For those who don't know me, my child was abused by a care giver between the ages of around 9 and 13. Said care giver was stupid enough to photograph and video themselves committing the acts, so we were some of the fortunate ones to get a relatively quick conviction (without trial) and a civil settlement with the employers of the care giver. Our daughter didn't come forward until years after the abuse. Even though it seems odd to use a word like "fortunate" in any abuse related case, I've read enough stories to know that things worked out better for us than most. Our perp was put in jail 3 years ago and isn't due out for many years.
I'm here today to ask a question that I've been wondering about a lot lately and it's related to the long-term effects of horrific acts like this on the parents. We all know about and worry about what our children will deal with the rest of their lives, but I think sometimes we forget how we're going to be affected as well. With that in mind, my question is simply this...
Beyond the obvious things directly related to the trauma you faced, have you noticed other changes in your life/personality that maybe aren't so directly related?
In case my question isn't particularly clear, because I'm struggling with the whole concept a bit myself, let me give you an example. Since the time that our legal ordeal was completed, I've noticed significant changes in my personality/actions. One example is that I've become very criitcal of myself. I find that I regularly beat myself up over and over about things I did or mistakes that I made in the past, often as much as 30-35 years ago. I sometimes find that I have a hard time focusing on things that I should be doing, at work and other places and then I get angry at myself about that. I never used to be this self-critical, at least not before the "ordeal". I don't think I'm depressed, though I'm certainly no expert on what depression is, but generally speaking, I used to be a lot more highly functioning and self-confident than I am today.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, where the abuse is sometime in the past and you feel like you've fundamentally changed from the way you were before you knew about the abuse? If so, did you find a way to "snap out of it"?
You mentioned it is hard to focus. I actually was praying about this & the thought came to me that I have been very checked out for years. I was so "on it" at least I thought I was, but I was doing what had to be done. Life was just putting one fire out after another. No wonder I couldn't focus. Now that the pressure is off, it is a process of retraining myself to live in the moment, to enjoy the moment, no matter what I'm doing. Take a deep breathe & live. It's a new way of living, one we either never lived or forgot how to live. But we can live it again.
You also mentioned self blame. Well, think about it. We tend to think "I turned left when I should have turned right" & now the whole world has fallen apart. We feel if we screw up, something devastating will happen....because something devastating did happen. We really couldn't control it, but we like to think we could. So we beat ourselves up. I'm in the process on this one. We hold ourselves to a standard of complete perfection. We expect that we should have been omniscient, but we are only human. We really are. And even if we are imperfect, we loved our children. Love covers a multitude of sin/imperfections. Showing mercy to others is easy, but we have to be merciful to ourselves too.
You sound remarkable and I know you will find the joy in life again.
We have all been in that freshly horrified, freshly disillusioned and embittered stage. You're the first person who has mentioned a loss of sex drive -- I was reluctant to mention this myself, because I wondered if I was the only one who couldn't think of sex without flashing on what my daughter must have experienced as a child!
I have been through almost a year and a half of hell since my (grown) daughter disclosed. Gradually, everything has gotten easier, and I pray that the same will happen for you!!! In fact, I think I can assure you that life will get better -- but time really is an essential ingredient of the healing process. Even the sex drive will return, when you can fully grasp that what transpires between you and your loving spouse has, truly, nothing in common with the violent power trip your daughter had to endure at the hands of her abuser. I think the sex drive shut-off is also part of the unavoidable guilt we all seem to suffer -- sometimes for many months. How can we enjoy ANYTHING in our lives when our children have been hurt in such a deep way? Believe it or not, you will overcome this, too, but it takes time plus revelations, plus therapy for yourself (call a confidential hotline if you can't see anyone until -- really?? freaking OCTOBER???? -- because you NEED to talk and be heard, and have a safe place to say what you need to say). I promise you, WAY too many people have been in those awful shoes, and would fully support you if they were online at the moment. Please let me know you've seen this. I want you to know how MUCH all of what you're going through is NORMAL and NECESSARY to processing this horrible shock.
Also, please visit: www.mosac.net -- very well written, tons of resources. Well worth reading the whole site.
HUGS to you!!!!
Seeing a counselor will really help you. Consider contacting the rape crisis center in your city to see if there are any support groups that you could attend until you can see a counselor. The link that Naïve provided to you will be a lifesaver. It is how I found this group. Continue coming here for support as well. Healing can and does happen but it does take time.
HUGs, Laura
Stay strong and hope you find people who reach out to you and strengthen you at this most difficult time. I'm not around much as we have just sold our home of 28 years and are looking for a place I can put my roots down in and we can continue our healing journey.