Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi everyone. I've been a little quiet as of late, but I'm back.
For those who don't know me, my child was abused by a care giver between the ages of around 9 and 13. Said care giver was stupid enough to photograph and video themselves committing the acts, so we were some of the fortunate ones to get a relatively quick conviction (without trial) and a civil settlement with the employers of the care giver. Our daughter didn't come forward until years after the abuse. Even though it seems odd to use a word like "fortunate" in any abuse related case, I've read enough stories to know that things worked out better for us than most. Our perp was put in jail 3 years ago and isn't due out for many years.
I'm here today to ask a question that I've been wondering about a lot lately and it's related to the long-term effects of horrific acts like this on the parents. We all know about and worry about what our children will deal with the rest of their lives, but I think sometimes we forget how we're going to be affected as well. With that in mind, my question is simply this...
Beyond the obvious things directly related to the trauma you faced, have you noticed other changes in your life/personality that maybe aren't so directly related?
In case my question isn't particularly clear, because I'm struggling with the whole concept a bit myself, let me give you an example. Since the time that our legal ordeal was completed, I've noticed significant changes in my personality/actions. One example is that I've become very criitcal of myself. I find that I regularly beat myself up over and over about things I did or mistakes that I made in the past, often as much as 30-35 years ago. I sometimes find that I have a hard time focusing on things that I should be doing, at work and other places and then I get angry at myself about that. I never used to be this self-critical, at least not before the "ordeal". I don't think I'm depressed, though I'm certainly no expert on what depression is, but generally speaking, I used to be a lot more highly functioning and self-confident than I am today.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, where the abuse is sometime in the past and you feel like you've fundamentally changed from the way you were before you knew about the abuse? If so, did you find a way to "snap out of it"?
For those who don't know me, my child was abused by a care giver between the ages of around 9 and 13. Said care giver was stupid enough to photograph and video themselves committing the acts, so we were some of the fortunate ones to get a relatively quick conviction (without trial) and a civil settlement with the employers of the care giver. Our daughter didn't come forward until years after the abuse. Even though it seems odd to use a word like "fortunate" in any abuse related case, I've read enough stories to know that things worked out better for us than most. Our perp was put in jail 3 years ago and isn't due out for many years.
I'm here today to ask a question that I've been wondering about a lot lately and it's related to the long-term effects of horrific acts like this on the parents. We all know about and worry about what our children will deal with the rest of their lives, but I think sometimes we forget how we're going to be affected as well. With that in mind, my question is simply this...
Beyond the obvious things directly related to the trauma you faced, have you noticed other changes in your life/personality that maybe aren't so directly related?
In case my question isn't particularly clear, because I'm struggling with the whole concept a bit myself, let me give you an example. Since the time that our legal ordeal was completed, I've noticed significant changes in my personality/actions. One example is that I've become very criitcal of myself. I find that I regularly beat myself up over and over about things I did or mistakes that I made in the past, often as much as 30-35 years ago. I sometimes find that I have a hard time focusing on things that I should be doing, at work and other places and then I get angry at myself about that. I never used to be this self-critical, at least not before the "ordeal". I don't think I'm depressed, though I'm certainly no expert on what depression is, but generally speaking, I used to be a lot more highly functioning and self-confident than I am today.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, where the abuse is sometime in the past and you feel like you've fundamentally changed from the way you were before you knew about the abuse? If so, did you find a way to "snap out of it"?
Christmas has been a total chore for me this year -- almost no joy involved, just force of will and a really convincing fake smile. Children everywhere in the mall has been rough -- I think of those Christmases of innocence before the assault and wonder if my daughter ever really enjoyed Christmas after that. In fact, seeing children at all has been an incredible trigger for me this year -- I take a rough count now when I see groups of children and wonder if 2 out of the 10, say, have been abused. I have to teach in an elementary school next spring, and I am dreading it.
I don't know what transpired in your family, Sunshinesad, but your daughter may not have been "so irresponsible that her child got molested." Most of us parents of children who have been sexually abused are/have been as responsible as can be, but evil snakes its way in through the little fissures we don't see. I never was one of those who saw a tragedy on TV and asked "why?" The answer for me was always: "Because that's what happens when a crazy man buys a gun," etc. But I have become one of those people now -- WHY did this happen to my pure-hearted, loving, vivacious little girl? Why would God not protect her, or give me some warning -- I was right across the street!!! What would her life -- our lives -- be like if this had not happened? Maybe there will be some fantastic purpose for this in life -- I've been trying to meditate by saying "Thank you, pain, for teaching me to appreciate when life is good" -- but life has not been good this year.
When will I quit punishing myself for this? It wasn't my fault, I did my best, but I have pulled myself out of life and am faking being alive almost every minute of the day.
The holidays have been a distraction, so I haven't been feeling as many of the feelings that prompted my original post, but they've still been coming up now and then. I'm pretty sure that a return engagement with my therapist is in order once the holidays are over and I'm starting to feel a little more okay with that idea.
None of us go looking for the abuse that we've ultimately had to deal with. I think that I was pretty strong thoughout the immediate aftermath, but it's when it got quiet that I began to struggle more. Therapy helped, but like I said above, I'm definitely forever changed. Beyond the problems that I've had lately with regret over past mistakes, I've also found that I'm a different person emotionally. I was never much of one to cry, not that I had anything against it, it just wasn't something that I really did. Boy has that ever changed! I find myself really getting set off now and then now. The ending of Les Miserables? Yikes! That's just one example. I don't feel bad about this change. It's just a minor thing. I have a much bigger issue with the whole regret thing...particularly since it's not directly related to anything with the abuse.
Anyway...I just want to let you all know that I appreciate everything that you said and appreciate all of you in general. Thank you for the help that you've given me and for the help that you regularly give others like me. Here's hoping that we all continue to heal and to help the others that come here in need of healing.
The holidays bring it all back no matter what I do to make it better for my family. My inlaws always have to send a gift for two of my kids and not the one he molested etc.... I lashed out at my mother in law and it felt good but always causes issues at home. I hate letting him still have some control over my family, ughhhh....it will probably never go away.
I'm sure, but each step forward for my daughter is a leap for our family. I am much more hopeful today than I have felt in recent weeks.
Thanks for reading.......
I've heard that when a bomb goes off, it's completely disorienting, and this is what has happened to us all. We go wobbling around wondering what the hell happened, and checking to see if we have all our parts, and not really able to hear or see or think clearly. I felt the same way for the first two months. Slooooowly, it got a bit more bearable.
I'm so glad you come here to check in. The worst thing is to self-isolate, but it's almost inevitable -- we bear so much shame as parents for "allowing" this to happen to our beloved children, even though we bear NONE of the actual guilt, that it's hard to look our friends in the eye. It is so difficult to realize that this most important job in our lives turns out to be one of those things that not entirely within our control, and that CSA is one of those things we cannot change, and must accept. BECAUSE IT'S UNACCEPTABLE!! It's a crime, it's injustice, it's deeply damaging to our children and to our families. It puts a whole lotta crap in perspective: work issues, illness, bills (and I totally hear you on the medical bills -- the mystery complaints and mental health issues my daughter has suffered for years as a result of her abuse have cost us thousands upon thousands). I've never felt so bowled over in my life as I have this year. How do we learn to stand again?
As others have told me, and as I can confidently now tell you, it DOES get better when we see our children do better. It's bit by bit, and may include backsliding, but as long as we support them, very gradually they recover their strength and spirit (even after a suicide attempt). I've seen it happening with my daughter -- she has begun to feel liberated in recent weeks, and definitely wants to live well as her best revenge.
Please keep checking in and getting it all out of your system as needed. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your daughter. One of my daughter's worst fears was that learning the truth would destroy me. For those first couple of months, I thought it would, too. But it hasn't. Keep walking.
There are two major things I felt were missing in our healing process. First, the fact that people do not know how to respond to abuse. If someone dies or is sick, people rally and provide support, but if abuse is disclosed people do some very painful things. Many go into denial, others blame you, others abandoned you; in all cases they revictimize the victim and the family. Through out the process I continually felt alone and NO support from anyone .My family offered no support and my closest friends turned their backs. Looking back, I own the truth that God gave me so much strength. However, I should not have been carrying this all alone. I do believe it is God's plan for me to make a difference and am committed to creating support groups for the parents (guardians) of the children who are abused. I spent so much time trying to get my daughter help I didn't realize how deeply traumatized I was by the events that occurred. I like all others here, blamed myself. I am currently working on the guilt and self blame. There were no red flags and truly no signs. He was really good at deception. I have to own the truth that I didn't see it and therefore cannot do anything to change this. This leads me to my second key understanding. There are long term effects of abuse on the parents (myself). These effects are overlooked and yes need to be addressed. As the poster noted above, we are changed. I definitely suffered from PTSD. I was so caught up in my daughter's trauma and my own guilt that it took me years to begin to work on my pain. As part of my healing process I am currently trying to create support groups for the non-offending parents (guardians). I am doing this because I needed coaching to know the feelings I was feeling were normal. I needed to know it was normal for my daughter to blame me. I needed to know it was okay for her to be angry at me. I needed to share my feelings of utter despair with someone. I needed to know my guilt was actually hindering her healing process. No one should go through this alone. It has taught me a whole new level of compassion. There is so much stigma attached to these events and people around us who have not experienced sexual abuse in their families have no idea the pain and suffering. I could write a book on the betrayal I experienced from family and friends but now it would serve no purpose. My purpose is to join forces with other parents and find ways to support one another through this nightmare. All this being said, I would love to hear more feedback on what would be helpful for your healing as a parent and also what you feel was missing or is missing. This is how we bring about change. There are tons of groups and organizations out there doing great work around sexual abuse awareness, but there are few to none helping the non-offending parents (guardians). I find this very troubling. One because our needs for healing are over looked, but also we are left to clean up the scars, wounds, pain and suffering with no help or support. Three and a half years ago, this site was the only place I could post and not feel judged. I felt there was someone who understood my despair and feeling of helplessness. I see this as a major gap in sexual abuse awareness and healing. We need support groups and encouragement. While my family has done a great deal of healing and we are in a very good place, I believe there is more work to be done. This is why I posted today. I want to help and make a difference and bring us together.
I send love and prayers to all of you. I want to encourage you to keep supporting one another with kindness and love. Healing does come and it is a process not an end result. I hope to be able to make a difference somehow and use our pain to strengthen, encourage and inspire others. I hope to hear your responses and feedback. God bless you all and may you find peace and strength.
I also agree with your points above. With so little acknowledgement of this epidemic, it's difficult to know how to make a difference, so I really appreciate your dedication to attending to the needs of parents who played no knowing role in their children's abuse. In fact, it is SO stigmatized that we have been very circumspect about whom we have told among our family and friends because, although my daughter was assaulted by an adult neighbor, it has raised suspicion among some people (therapists) that perhaps the abuser was my husband. (I clearly remember the day that my daughter was assaulted, although I didn't know at the time what had happened -- she ran home crying in shrieks, but her story of where she "hurt" after she "fell" at the neighbor's house changed immediately, she was so terrified.) My husband, like USAdad, was not at all abusive, ever. So it's not just children that must be believed in the healing process, it's parents as well, in order to receive the unique help we need. Too often in these posts I have read where police and social workers have been harsh with parents because they find it easier to cast aspersions on a someone who is nearest the child rather than to actually investigate the claim. That needs to change.
Your question is of particular interest to me. I've been following this dialogue and hope that I can offer some constructive advice. I believe that the self-criticism you speak of "may" be a sign that you feel "guilty" that you were "not aware" of the abuse and therefore, you were rendered powerless to intervene. I'm sure you've noticed that "guilt" is a recurring theme in many of our lives.
Whenever I "torture" myself for missing some sign(s) that something was amiss, I remind myself that there were 6 of us living in our home the year my husband abused our twin daughters. (7 if you count the perpetrator), My husband was so masterful at concealing the abuse, that all 6 of us missed whatever signs may have been present. I find some consolation in knowing that my husband pulled this off with so many others living in the home.
I know my self confidence has decreased in many areas of my life. If you find yourself "second guessing" decisions you've made post disclosure, I think it's normal for that shaky self-esteem to carry over into your professional life. How can it not? I've never been one of those individuals who can compartmentalize very well. ie. I struggle with an inability to keep my work related issues at the office and my personal issues at home. When my daughters disclosed, it impacted my career in a negative way. I'm a single parent and as my daughters mental health and recovery was, and is, the priority, my work suffered. I'm sure you've heard the expression, "Something's gotta give."
You didn't mention what you do for a living? Are you in the "helping professions?" Is your job highly stressful to begin with? Maybe you need to reevaluate your career choice? For example, I am a social worker who always worked in Treatment Foster Care and child protective services. After several attempts to return to this line of work, I have made the painful decision to either a) switch careers (not easily done @ my age: I'm 50.) or B.) to find an area of social work that is less stressful and doesn't deal directly with childhood sexual trauma. Instead of "beating yourself up for struggling to focus at work, maybe you need to question your career choice, in light of the trauma. As my former therapist told me, "Parents who undergo this specific type of trauma, often need to "redefine normalcy." Our lives have been irrevocably altered, so we have to adjust our expectations and standards accordingly. This involves so many losses. We've a lot of grieving work to be done. I am not a physician nor do I know you well enough to diagnose your symptoms as proof of depression, however, I know depression and PTSD typically accompanies major trauma in general.
I used to be a very "trusting" individual before my husband's betrayal, A little too trusting! I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt: trusting individuals "before" they gained my trust. I also disclosed too much of my personal information. Now I am very guarded. Also. I've lost all interest in pursuing a romantic relationship. If my own husband could abuse our daughters, how much easier would it be for a complete stranger to do so? We've all heard horror stories of sex offenders preying upon single moms/dads to gain access to their children.
Presently, I am reading a book that is helping me understand "complex PTSD." I had never heard of this specific type of PTSD until last Fall. It's a workbook full of journaling exercises. Its called "The PTSD Workbook." By Mary Beth Williams, PhD, LCSW, CTS and Soili Poijula, PhD. New Harbinger Publications. 2013.
I hope this is helpful.