Naive1, congrats on your new teaching career. I am sure you will be fantastic. This entire board is made up of people who had no idea that anyone would EVER hurt their children. I would rather have someone like you work with my kids. Someone that understands that there are kids out there struggling. You will bless some lives! Best to you!

Betrayednstrong, your comments brought me to tears of gratitude. I will start the day with a better attitude because of your kindness. Thank you so much. Wishing you a good day, too.

I try to appear normal on the outside but on the inside and especially when I'm alone, I reflect and I cry and cry and cry. I relive and try to figure out how I could have missed maybe even a look for help. I was the mom who was so engaged, always working but always checking and with them most of the time. But I was betrayed by one of the few I let near them and he abused my baby through her teen years in my own home and yet concealed so well that I just couldn't see nor even guess. I am a praying person but can't understand how God would have let this happen. Why my baby didn't tell as the support system was there, not a teacher, not a friend. I thought I had the "perfect" little family. Today she hardly says 2 words to me yet since disclosure I've done everything I can to help her and even now a year after disclosure she continues therapy. My husband and I are now divorced but try to maintain an amicable relationship yet she does not forgive me for the divorce for she kept such a secret for the sake of he family yet I "broke it up" anyway. That's another story. He cheated on me for years. The divorce had nothing to do with the abuse which was disclosed afterwards yet I'm punished for the one thing I did for myself. My only salvation is that I'm doing everything I can for her. I'm 60 years old. I only long for her to heal and to regain her innocence and self respect. Maybe someday I'll regain a relationship with my baby. I'm supposed to forgive but will never be able to. I look forward but don't live a day without thinking how this could have happened and how miserably I failed for not seeing so much hurt and not protecting her. How I wish I could take her hurt and her guilt. All I can do is pray and talk to you. How thankful I am for finding you.

Hi, tttcby -- I only have a moment to say that I hope you can have a peaceful day. Gotta go. Hugs!!!

I'm back! Tttcby, for anyone who is new-ish to this site, I can say that in the past almost year I've been a member the matter of why a child doesn't tell has come up over and over and over. I'd have to say that, based on statistics I've read, it's possible that MOST kids don't tell until -- some not ever! Why? Well, if the perpetrator in the crimes against your daughter was anything like the one who hurt my daughter, death threats are pretty effective. The confusion of not knowing what the hell just happened leads to some confusion as well. Some kids are constitutionally more resilient than others. It's the wrong word to use, but I kind of envy the parents whose children disclose when they're young. The mental health damage is cumulative over time -- the anger, fear and shame snowball into what I'd call "learned personality disorders." By this I mean, they appear to have organic mental illnesses, but they are really a specific kind of PTSD. PTSD is a reaction to a horrific event, but our kids add to that the burden of shame and/or guilt, and go on to do things that confirm their sense of worthlessness, which only compounds the problem. It sounds as if your daughter (like mine) is still suffering greatly from her experiences, and you (like me) are still suffering greatly from your fury that you were unable to guess the unguessable.

Why would God allow any of this crap to happen? As Rabbi Harold S. Kushner said in his oldie but goodie, When Bad Things Happen to Good People (http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Happen-Good-People/dp/1400034728):

."..it becomes much easier to take God seriously as the source of moral values if we don't hold Him responsible for all the unfair things that happen in the world."

He argues that we can only believe that God is all-good and all-knowing if we absolve Him of being all-powerful. If he can do everything, and evil occurs, then He must be in collusion with the devil. He couldn't possibly be all good! If he knew about it and could have stopped it. If God is all good but doesn't stop evil, then he couldn't possibly know as much as we hope He does. Can we pray to a God who isn't all good? Or to one who doesn't even know what's going on in our lives? I have to agree with Kushner that, if we believe in God at all, then we have to give him a break on the magic powers. I'd rather have an all-good God who is with me at all times, than one who's bad or doesn't give a damn. My belief is that the power is partly up to us: we can't be on God's side and yet allow others to suffer -- if we know about it. If we DON'T know about the suffering, and have no reason to suspect it, then we can only forgive ourselves for our missed opportunity to intervene. We can't rage against God, because He didn't want this bad stuff to happen either. Maybe you disagree with this theology, but it makes sense to me and gives me something to hold onto. Sometimes it's all I've been able to hold onto.

Keep being open to your daughter. Keep praying for peace in her life. She may be angry about the divorce because it reminds her of how little power she had when she was younger. It's a fiction that any of us has any real control over anyone else, but believing that we do is one way our kids survived what happened to them: if I don't tell, then x will or will not happen. It's nothing more than a very deep-seated wish, but it feels real. My bet is that she will gain perspective on the realities of your marriage as she matures and can better imagine what you were going through at the time.

I completely get what you say about feeling as if you're being punished for the one thing you did for yourself. The stronger and calmer I get in response to my daughter's upsets, the more hurt she seems to become. I HAVE to be strong and calm to get through a critical time in my professional training effectively, and learning how to detach a bit from my daughter's issues has allowed me to focus and do well. I care deeply about my daughter AND I have a responsibility to be true to myself. Just as you have a responsibility to be true to your own needs. You're a much better role model for getting away from a philanderer who abuses your good nature than if you simply stuck it out, miserably, "for the sake of the children" -- especially because your daughter is no longer a child.

Well, I think that's just about enough from me at the moment! :-)

I truly wish you some peace today/this evening. You DESERVE it.

Your words, It seems a natural consequence to having trusted someone and not being able to see that they were lying and deceiving me (for years), and that even though I am a loving and attentive parent, my child was harmed in our home, by someone I really trusted.

This happened in my home. I am a hands on parent. I worked but I was always there. Why she didn't tell me for years I will never know. How I wish I could take away the pain and guilt she must feel. All I can do now is make sure she has the therapy she needs. My husband and I are divorced too. Noting to do with the abuse. He cheated on me. She does not now want a relationship with me and nothing which is of me. I think she believes that she kept her secret for so long to protect the family and keep it together and by getting a divorce I broke the family. So I failed in protecting my daughter and in doing the one thing I ever did for my own self respect, I've now lost her relationship with me. I'll never understand any of this. All I can do is pray that God will heal her.

Hi I'm new to this group. 9 years ago I found out that my son had been sexually abusing my daughter ( his sister) she only told me on that day because it escalated and he tried to strangle her to force her to what he wanted.
I called social service and child protection my daughter at the time didn't want to press charges, so my son was taken to a secure unit for young offenders he was 15 at the time.
My daughter was offered councilling almost a year later it wasn't very successful, she just carried on her daily life as if nothing had happened but she got pregnant at 16 and after that she has really struggled, she'd blocked it all out but suddenly something triggered her memory and it was so much worse than anyone could imagine. She says I stil don't know everything and that she couldn't put me through it because it would break my heart.
My daughter went back to councilling about 2 years ago it helped her, but not a great deal I feel she stil hasn't been given the right help. Most of the time she hates me and the relationship is difficult at times she talks to her brother normally then weeks later says she wants no contact with him.
She struggled a lot with her son when he was a baby he is now 5.
I feel responsible for the way her life is she always has relationships with bad guys and she meets a nice guy treats him badly.
She has been in a verbally and emotional abusive relationship with someone on and off for almost 3 years and allows him to put her down shout at her all the time swearing and calling her names and me she eccepts it all and says she loves him.
Most of the time I'm scarred of losing her, she stil feels like I chose her brother over her, most of the family did, they didn't believe her and were totally against me for involving professional help,my daughter said he could come spend Xmas with us, but since then she is totally distant from me and told me this week that she wants to press chargers against her brother.
As hard as it is I do understand her and will support her, it's so hard to explain how I feel, my son and I were so close and even I found out I stil supported him as well and went to see him when ever I was allowed at the unit but over the last few years as my daughter has remembered more I feel such an ache in my heart I've lost interest in my life, I struggle to stay in employment for long periods never feel totally happy.
If I'm sick I prolong it as much as possible. Before all this I worked 3 jobs never took a day off now I just want to spend time with my daughter and grandson but she is trying to move on and sometimes doesn't want to be around me.
It's so hard because I lost both my kids really I'm trying very hard not to be angry with my son
but it's so hard to see the pain and hurt the lifelong damage he caused my daughter.
He was offered a lot of help.took courses, offered housing which he didn't take,he is going on with his life like it never happened, even when he came over for Xmas was rude to me shouting and swearing at me.

If anyone else had put my daughter through that I'd make sure they went to jail but it's a 1000 times worse that it's my son, I am responsible for part of what she is going through, I left him to look after her, when I was at work which was a lot, I never paid attention to what was going on they seemed like normal brother and sister , even after she told the 1st few years she stil wanted to go see him, he was at the hospital when her son was born.
I've failed as a mum so badly the past few years as my daughter has disclosed more of what happened I'm struggling to support my son it's getting harder all the time, the fact that he isn't doing anything with his life makes me more angry at him.

Can someone please help me with advice how do I go on and how do I rebuild my relationship with my daughter? How do I earn her forgiveness? Is it normal how I'm feeling about my son?

You are in a nearly impossible situation and my heart breaks for you, I posted on your other post before reading this one. My dad was the perp and babysat my kids while I worked. If you can't trust family, who in the hell can you trust? The guilt will eat us alive if we let it, so don't. I apologized to my daughter-flat out-I am sorry that this happened to you and that I wasn't there when you needed me-I love you more than anything and would give my life for you. She needed to hear that from me and I needed to say it. Of course we didn't know that the person we trusted with our children would hurt them but what our children need to hear is that we are sorry and that while we didn't know, we failed to protect them. We did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Begin on the road of forgiveness by apologizing.
I prosecuted my dad and he is doing 14 years in prison. He absolutely had to be held accountable for the horrific things he did to his own granddaughter. I do feel some guilt knowing that he will probably die in prison and this has just about killed my mom. There was no other choice for me, my daughter, husband, and son. if your daughter chooses to prosecute, please support her. Your son committed a crime and part of that is being held accountable. I have let my dad go. If a stranger had held down my child and raped her would I still have him in my life? No! I realize that your situation is different and so much harder. Please, try for a moment, to see it through your daughter's eyes. As a mom, you will never stop loving a child no matter what but being in his life is causing your daughter pain. As far as your feelings for your son, of course you feel conflicted. He hurt another child yet you still love and care for him.
Please get counseling for yourself. You are in such a hard position.
Praying for you and your family.

Thank you so much for listening. He's my husband's son prior to my marriage, now divorce. We confronted him after she came back from intensive therapy (one month) which not continues ongoing outpatient He admitted it. I apologized to her over and over. She knows. I told him in front of her it would be the last time he and I were in the same room. I will never speak or see him again. She does not want to proscute and I have to honor that and leave it alone, Believe it or not she is trying to "forgive" him. My other two daughters will not speak with him and have cut off ties. My former husband continues a relationship with him although not very close. The situation is impossible and only God can help and my only hope is to believe because there's nothing else I can do to change her opinion of me. She thinks when I divorced I "clocked out". My other daughers and I have a beautiful relationship and continue to tell lme what a great mom I am. So much I did for them over the years was just to always be close to them and now I realize what a farce I've lived. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for being here for me.

Elsab and tttcby, as I have learned only too well this past year, the only people we can change are ourselves. We have to seek a new way in order to cope. Therapy is a great start -- even if you can't find the perfect therapist, it's invaluable to have a trained third party to whom to vent and who can help you learn different ways to respond to what's being thrown your way. We also have to learn to be present in the present, and not sucked back into the past or anxious about the future. That sounds so simple, but it takes lots and lots of practice. Please have a look at the "Resources All in One Place" thread on this site. What's posted there is the wealth of accumulated wisdom of others on this site -- tried/true resources for help. Also, if you haven't already been, please visit www.mosac.net ASAP.

The other day I experienced a new "side effect" of the trauma of the past year. I was in a professional setting, introducing myself to a new colleague, and when I said my full name I was flooded with shame.

This crime resonates so deeply that it changes our sense of self, our sense of competence. It changes our relationship with certainty, with truth, with faith, with trust. We need each other so much. As tttcby says, thank you for being here with me.

.you are so wise, for the only person we can change is ourselves and live in the present. easier said than done but i want to try, so easy go relive the past i am going to look into mosac.net and want to thank you so much for being here.

I'm so sorry, ptsdone -- and I have to say, I really understand because I've experienced all of that myself. I used to hear about disasters and tragedies around the world and cry. Now it takes me a moment, or two or three, even to relate to the humanity of it. Like you, it's harder for me to muster that humor that used to come naturally. And I have also shut out a lot of people, mainly because I don't lie well, and the truth is too hard to explain. Further, I'm aware that they will never "get it" so it would be pointless to try to explain. I think what we have is a form of fact-based depression, but I hope it's curable. As of tonight, I've started taking a class in mindfulness meditation to learn how to let the present be -- to focus on the here and now. Otherwise, I'm stuck in the unchangeable past and anxious about the unpredictable future. How else can we grab ahold of anything in life but to be here, now? I will post elsewhere about my progress as a more mindful person. In the meantime, I wish you peace.

ptsddone-I get that totally. I think because we have been so traumatized that -1.) we have a wall up and 2.) we had our own tragedy that shook us to the core. The abuse is no longer the first thing I think about nor the last every single day. There are reminders but they no longer wallop me with the same power.
Nsive1-my counselor is also working with me on mindfulness and it is working!

I'm so glad to hear that, mommybear! Already, when I remember to stop and be present, I feel a moment of calm.

I can relate to so much of what others are sharing. I already struggled so much with lack of trust, low self-esteem, anger/rage, intense emotions, shame and guilt etc. This is all worse. I have started self harming in my 50s, have seriously considered suicide or just walking out on the family as I see the kids as better off without me because of hurt I have caused as well. I'm pretty sure that I have ptsd. I can't listen to or think about a story on sexual abuse or violence without physically and emotionally reacting. Things I used to be able to tolerate now take their toll on me. I have up to hundreds of min panic attacks each day and question almost every male I go past. I even react to a father with his daughter on his lap. There is no trust or protection left for me.

I used to take pride in putting family photo albums together. Now I can't bear to look at them. I feel as though almost a third of my life needs to be erased to remove our son from our lives.

I really struggle with social isolation and don't want to form new relationships as I feel as though I'll eventually blow it and people will see the real me which I've been told all too often is too intense and emotional. I'm wrestling with this dark secret that I know I can't share but has completely changed our lives forever. I feel great shame that our son caused this damage within our family. Other family members know that something has happened and leave it at that. Some have guessed. It makes family get togethers very awkward.

I appreciate my children's achievements even more. So much of what I used to take pride in is no longer relevant. I have a healthier perspective on what really matters.

If my children never settle down or have kids of their own, that's fine. I'm happy now to never be a grandparent. So many of the dreams I had for the future are shattered -the happy family get togethers, travel, etc Every day is tainted by what has happened. It has sucked the joy out of having dreams for me.

On the positive side, what's left of our family is growing closer by the day. We appreciate what we do have. We are learning better communication and have been forced as parents to deal with our own issues.