Parents Whose children have been sexually abused Community Group
This group is for parents whose children have been sexually abused. We welcome both Mothers and Fathers. Here, we can offer support to one another. We can vent, cry and lift each other up. No condemning or criticizing allowed. We are here for support. We LOVE (((HUGS))) !
Hi everyone. I've been a little quiet as of late, but I'm back.
For those who don't know me, my child was abused by a care giver between the ages of around 9 and 13. Said care giver was stupid enough to photograph and video themselves committing the acts, so we were some of the fortunate ones to get a relatively quick conviction (without trial) and a civil settlement with the employers of the care giver. Our daughter didn't come forward until years after the abuse. Even though it seems odd to use a word like "fortunate" in any abuse related case, I've read enough stories to know that things worked out better for us than most. Our perp was put in jail 3 years ago and isn't due out for many years.
I'm here today to ask a question that I've been wondering about a lot lately and it's related to the long-term effects of horrific acts like this on the parents. We all know about and worry about what our children will deal with the rest of their lives, but I think sometimes we forget how we're going to be affected as well. With that in mind, my question is simply this...
Beyond the obvious things directly related to the trauma you faced, have you noticed other changes in your life/personality that maybe aren't so directly related?
In case my question isn't particularly clear, because I'm struggling with the whole concept a bit myself, let me give you an example. Since the time that our legal ordeal was completed, I've noticed significant changes in my personality/actions. One example is that I've become very criitcal of myself. I find that I regularly beat myself up over and over about things I did or mistakes that I made in the past, often as much as 30-35 years ago. I sometimes find that I have a hard time focusing on things that I should be doing, at work and other places and then I get angry at myself about that. I never used to be this self-critical, at least not before the "ordeal". I don't think I'm depressed, though I'm certainly no expert on what depression is, but generally speaking, I used to be a lot more highly functioning and self-confident than I am today.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, where the abuse is sometime in the past and you feel like you've fundamentally changed from the way you were before you knew about the abuse? If so, did you find a way to "snap out of it"?
For those who don't know me, my child was abused by a care giver between the ages of around 9 and 13. Said care giver was stupid enough to photograph and video themselves committing the acts, so we were some of the fortunate ones to get a relatively quick conviction (without trial) and a civil settlement with the employers of the care giver. Our daughter didn't come forward until years after the abuse. Even though it seems odd to use a word like "fortunate" in any abuse related case, I've read enough stories to know that things worked out better for us than most. Our perp was put in jail 3 years ago and isn't due out for many years.
I'm here today to ask a question that I've been wondering about a lot lately and it's related to the long-term effects of horrific acts like this on the parents. We all know about and worry about what our children will deal with the rest of their lives, but I think sometimes we forget how we're going to be affected as well. With that in mind, my question is simply this...
Beyond the obvious things directly related to the trauma you faced, have you noticed other changes in your life/personality that maybe aren't so directly related?
In case my question isn't particularly clear, because I'm struggling with the whole concept a bit myself, let me give you an example. Since the time that our legal ordeal was completed, I've noticed significant changes in my personality/actions. One example is that I've become very criitcal of myself. I find that I regularly beat myself up over and over about things I did or mistakes that I made in the past, often as much as 30-35 years ago. I sometimes find that I have a hard time focusing on things that I should be doing, at work and other places and then I get angry at myself about that. I never used to be this self-critical, at least not before the "ordeal". I don't think I'm depressed, though I'm certainly no expert on what depression is, but generally speaking, I used to be a lot more highly functioning and self-confident than I am today.
Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation, where the abuse is sometime in the past and you feel like you've fundamentally changed from the way you were before you knew about the abuse? If so, did you find a way to "snap out of it"?
Lately I have been trying to be in the moment more, as I can, and to not dwell in the past. That seems to help some. But I also know I am recovering from EXTREME stress. I have done all I have known to do to help my child, and now I have to help me. Because I am exhausted, and very drained. Eating well, sleeping well, some talk therapy, have all helped some. Reading about chronic stress has been helpful and validating. Best wishes, USAdad.
I think we all deal differently..men and women especially. I can tell you what it was like for me and how it is today. A year ago I dealt differently than today. I would dwell on my hatred for the perp and any family member that supported him. I could not bear to think about how I let my girls down and how could I have missed all the signs. I had to deal with the guilt and the blame that was placed on me by my ex-husband. My life was a hot mess, I cried at any and everything and I talked about the events to let it out. I could not keep it in. My children got sick of me, the girls that were molested and my other adult children. I did not find God but I did find this group. Today I still cry at happy and sad things, but I am 60...so it may come with age. I no longer deal with my ex-husband and I still hate the perp and his sympathizers. I tell my story to help others not to "let it out"...the perp no longer has any control over me or my family.....my daughters have given me a new perspective....they are no longer victims, they are survivors, they thrive and move forward...it is seeing them flourish and grow and be the amazing and beautiful young women they have become that moves me forward. I made changes in my life that allowed me to pick up some of the pieces..I have chosen to be more compassionate, caring and a better not bitter human being. I took many things for granted...I have learned to appreciate life as it is today not what the past had brought us. I am still a work in progress, I make less money now, I have more lines and gray hair, but I am finding me once again. That is how I can help move my daughters and my family back into the light..all the goodness I thought was lost is coming back. This group has helped me realize that while I struggle, someone else is struggling more....I have never been a depressed person, I get sad but have always had the ability to allow my emotions out and quickly find a way to "look"for a different answer to my problems. It is that way that I can cope with the damage that was inflicted on my happy little world.......no sarcasm intended....I am who I am and the situation is what it is but that doesn't mean I cant work on being better and stronger and hopefully happier....we must remain positive and not beat ourselves up. We all know we would move mountains for our children, now we just have to climb a few. I hope you find some peace within yourself, and embrace all of you, acceptance is very important, but of yourself. I will always hate the person who took my girls innocence and that is fine by me.....just not the rest of the world or myself.
Peace and Harmony to you and your family this Christmas!
I find that stuff comes and goes, and comes back; it's only been 8 months since disclosure, so I'm thinking it will feel pretty fluid for awhile. Currently, I can no longer enjoy music or movies from the years when we lived across the street from the abuser, and I used to love those songs and movies! My appreciation for entertainment in general has waned this year. I have been on an antidepressant for years, and wonder how much worse I'd be right now without it.
What you describe may be more than something you can "snap out of"; certainly, you won't benefit from feeling more inadequate because you CAN'T just "snap out of it." You may need some medicinal help. You mention a few items (*) on this list from our dear friends at the Mayo clinic:
Depression symptoms include:
* Feelings of sadness or unhappiness
* Irritability or frustration, even over small matters
* Loss of interest or pleasure in normal activities
Reduced sex drive
Insomnia or excessive sleeping
Changes in appetite — depression often causes decreased appetite and weight loss, but in some people it causes increased cravings for food and weight gain
Agitation or restlessness — for example, pacing, hand-wringing or an inability to sit still
* Irritability or angry outbursts
* Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
* Indecisiveness, distractibility and decreased concentration
Fatigue, tiredness and loss of energy — even small tasks may seem to require a lot of effort
* Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or blaming yourself when things aren't going right
* Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
Frequent thoughts of death, dying or suicide
Crying spells for no apparent reason
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches
Also from Mayo: "For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it's obvious something isn't right. Other people feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why." I really hope you'll see your doctor ASAP. There's no shame in seeking something to stabilize your mood -- there are few more mood-altering circumstances than to know that our children have suffered this pain.
As for showing up here, where better? I sometimes find I need a break from this group, simply to breathe and get my mind off this topic. But inevitably, something reminds me that this really happened, and so did all the misery in my daughter's life that followed, and I realize that, as long as she is healing, I need to heal. I cannot escape, so I come back here, hoping that maybe I will say something that brings someone else hope and comfort. I hope I have done so for you this evening.
Aside from that, I think that that abuse has changed my perspective of certain groups.of people. I cannot look at a teenage boy anymore without wondering if he's a pervert, I am afraid to have another child in fear that I will have a boy and he will hurt my girls one day. I know I am not being fair in those feelings but they are what they are.
The combination of us having been deceived and betrayed and our children being violated makes it impossible to see the world or ourselves the same way again. You can find ways to be kind to yourself, though, and to understand that you did your best to protect your daughter. You did what you knew how to do and you are not to blame for what happened. I have been in therapy pretty regularly, and that and this group have helped the most. I know I am forever changed by this experience – not necessarily worse, but different. I also advocate for educating people about this danger, trying to make it something that is openly talked about and that we work on to take away the stigma and fear surrounding it. Doing something to make a positive out of our negative experience has helped me too. Wishing you peace.
The positives that have happened far outweigh the negatives, though I would give my life to have spared my child. I am a much better person in many ways. I am a better mom, wife, and friend. I acknowledge blessings much more often. I am so much stronger than I ever imagined. I used to get into fist fights occasionally and that urge, for the most part, is gone. I am just not as angry. I have a true purpose in my life-to do something about this crime. It has given me passion and determination.
I don't know your age but midlife usually causes a search for deeper understanding of ourselves: what have I accomplished? Does my life have meaning? It is perfectly normal to wonder about these things. The hypercritical nature of your self-talk may be part of that process as long as it motivates you. You know yourself better than anyone. If your thinking is causing you distress, and it sounds like it is, you may benefit from seeing a counselor to talk it through. If you are experiencing the symptoms of depression, a trip to your PCP may also be helpful.
You are a loving man and I hate to hear that you are suffering. When your mind goes to that cycle of beating yourself up, remind yourself what a great person you really are. Talk yourself up.
Prayers and blessings.
I pray that things will get better for you. You are all salvageable!
Prior to my sons abuse I would have described myself as strong and self-confident. One who loves and is worthy of love.
My son was abused by my sisters husband. While I prepared myself as best as I could for the fallout from my sister I had not considered the idea of my mother and other extended family standing by the abuser. In one moment I completely lost the only support group (outside of my house) I had ever known in 40 years. The only one I would have turned to during a tragic event.
After the abuse (none of these symptoms were apparent for several years) I found myself doubting my self-worth. If I didn't deserve the love from my mother, grandmother, aunts etc then maybe I didn't deserve it from anyone. I found myself questioning how well I knew anyone again if I didn't know my own mother (she not only turned her back on us but became quite viscous) how well could I know anyone else. I started wondering how well I knew my husband. I really didn't know who to trust anymore, so I just trusted myself. I became hardened, closed off and to be honest kind of a loose canon.
Did I just snap out of it? No, but once I realized I was feeling this way and why it made it a little bit easier to manage. We are six years into healing and I would imagine this will be an infinite journey. While we still have our moments each year gets a little bit better.
I know I rambled on and on... It is 3:13am and I have insomnia tonight...!!! Sorry...!!! Lol
Not only do I obsess it over in my mind about what is happening to my grandchild that I cannot stop because no one will listen and I am only a grandparent, now I worry about all of the other children.
I have no will to cook, clean, etc. I do not want to go out of the house or be around people. I have no joy in anything. Not my husband, my home, my church, not even being around my family at all. I am so angry I want to lash out at everyone. Why won't you listen????? I cannot get out of bed, or stay out of it when I do get out. I am not able to work a job or hold even get through an interview now without crying, or whatever may happen that makes it impossible for me to get the job. My self esteem is totally gone.
I feel guilt because I brought a child into this world that grew up and was so irresponsible that her child was molested. And it keeps going on and on and on. My grandchild doesn't remember the first perp. He was too young.
I am consumed with hate, rage, guilt, sadness. Medication cannot help me. I try to pray but how can I reach God when I am absolutely not able to forgive the person or persons who done this? And I cannot forgive my daughter and her husband for letting this go on and abusing this child, not getting him the proper counseling and help. For both of them only caring about themselves. Making this child go around other adults that treat him like he does not belong and that he is not any good or even part of the family. I am so full of hate at the ones I know is mean to my grandson but no one will listen. I hope God is listening and will soon help my grandson.
So angry at the system because they let people like this keep their children without monitoring them and keeping the child safe. Angry that grandparents cannot go in and protect the child. After being violated the child has to live the rest of his childhood with people treating him like it was his fault. Like he is the bad person. Medication cannot help me with this. But the medication does make me sleep. I still dream about it in my sleep. Nightmares that won't let me rest.
I tried to raise my children to be good people. I lived the best I could. But it took me a long time to get away from my abuser myself. It destroyed not only me but my children. Now it is going on down to my grandchildren.
When I see children, no matter what age, I am wondering if they are being molested and if they in turn are molesting other little children because of the pain they feel.
I find myself scattered, rambling on and on about the pain. It does no good. I am sorry I am not able to uplift anyone. Right now I am just so messed up about this I probably shouldn't even talk about it at all. My mind races day and night about how to help him and other little ones like him.
Now, I cannot look at a person who molested a child, spent his time in prison and is now out on the street without wanting to see that he is put back in prison so he cannot see the light of day ever again.
Oh my, I just do not know if I will ever be able to live a normal, productive life ever again. What beats me so bad is the system knew something happened. They let these children slip thru the cracks and it never ends. I feel so hopeless and so helpless..