Tom you are so right. I never want my daughter to see my FiL again, not even in his casket. I have been throwing away pics of him as i find them. He is dead already to me.
I met with one of my husband's cousins for dinner the other night and she was abuse by her grandfather for years and then 4 other men after that. Never got counseling but the thing i bothered her the most was that her mom and dad let her leave with him a cpl years later and go to a dinner with just the two of them. He didn't do anything that time but had already done so much damage, and had also molested her mom and her aunt when they were kids...how can people let these monsters see their children or think they can somehow change their illness?
I hope your wife is doing well. It sounds like she has been through so much. Does she have her own support group? Maybe you two could speak to groups of parents and help others. You have a knack for it.
Thanks for your posts.

I couldn't agree more.

I also have to say i have not seen much of that on this forum. I have seen strong parents enduring whatever it takes to help their children heal. Most of the the parents here are supporting each other through the difficult times of reporting and prosecuting their children's abusers, and getting counseling for themselves and their families. As you are the life partner to a sexual abuse victim, we are the parents of them. Like you, I think most here take it quite seriously.

I am sorry for the pain you and your wife are going through, and understand your strong feelings completely. You will be in my prayers, as are all of us here living through this hell.

I have to agree too.... my children were hurt by my partners father.... my family are telling me to put it all behind us now, its over, forget it. Its the most annoying and heartless thing they can say to us. They live 2 hours from me, havent come to visit in the year this nightmare has been going on to offer support... and its me that calls them on the phone, just to hear this kind of stuff that really doesnt help. My dad once asked me as a kid to undress in front of him and a mirror... he said it was to stop me being shy about my body, I was 14yrs old... I still dont know if this was abuse from him or not, but it made me feel scared. Maybe thats why he doesnt care much about the girls, or maybe hes just not showing how he feels? All I know is I am going to be there to the end for my children, and if god forbid anything happens to their kids, I'd be there for them too in a flash. I am proof too that you never get over it... I was raped and sexually abused almost all of my childhood years... I got into violent relationships.. i started self harming at 10 and didnt stop till last year although I still have urges... I have overdosed so many times... and I still dont trust anyone around me. Im 35 now... and 5 yrs ago was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which was brought on by the abuse. So anyone who thinks you can just brush it under the carpet... you cant. Tom, I will pray for you and your wife... hugs

My therapist told me during one session that we are a pioneer of sorts. He said that up until the last decade or so talking about this was such a taboo that it was always swept under the rug. We are the first generation of parents to stand up for what's right and fight. The first generation of parents to truly educate the world about this crime and what it does not just to the victims but to the entire family. He said we are paving the way for stiffer punishments, more education for families and children and true help in this area that has been overlooked for too long.

I hope he is right and we truly are on the way to changing how the world sees this. I don't know how to even describe how I feel everytime I sign on here and see so many new members. It is so sad that this is how we had to meet and this is what brought is together. But maybe together we can make a change.

HUGS, PRAYERS and BEST WISHES to all of you!

My therapist told me during one session that we are a pioneer of sorts. He said that up until the last decade or so talking about this was such a taboo that it was always swept under the rug. We are the first generation of parents to stand up for what's right and fight. The first generation of parents to truly educate the world about this crime and what it does not just to the victims but to the entire family. He said we are paving the way for stiffer punishments, more education for families and children and true help in this area that has been overlooked for too long.

I hope he is right and we truly are on the way to changing how the world sees this. I don't know how to even describe how I feel everytime I sign on here and see so many new members. It is so sad that this is how we had to meet and this is what brought is together. But maybe together we can make a change.

HUGS, PRAYERS and BEST WISHES to all of you!

MommaKL,

You're family is just one more example of why these monsters need to be away from children forever. They are never going to stop thier torture of our children, unless they are dead or in prison. Thank you for your support and prayers for my wife. My wife and I use to hold online meetings for other survivor and partners, however we quit when my wife had to go in for a surgery. Everybody who joined us seemed to always come back to discuss their issues. I have talked with several partners and survivors over the years to try my best to help.

I do know what does help out adult survivors and that is to learn as much as one can about the symptoms of Childhood Sexual Abuse. My wife would see me studying anything and everything I could get my hands on over the years and she wanted me to share it with her. I can't tell you how many times she would say to me "Wow that is exactly how I've felt all my life" Her and several other adult survivors in our group, one of them being a therapist herself would always say survivors ALWAYS need to be searching for answers.

Jen7276 I'm so deeply sorry for you and you're children, and will pray for you and them as well ! I'm going to go out on a limb and say yes you're father asking you to undress in front of him was abuse. I'm a father to a 21 year old daughter, I have 4 sisters and there is no way in hell I would have ever asked her to do that. It made you feel uncomfortable and NEVER should have happened. I would suggest you also join a group here of Incest survivors, I think it may help you be able to talk to others who have gone through similar circumstances.

j9 unit, I do agree with you that there is not allot of looking the other way here. However, just being silent about it can have affects which are unintended. I don't know if you read the post from from Motherduck about what her and her daughter out here in California. They started a foundation for abused children, went to the local paper, went public and want to help others do the same.

I agree with woulddoitagain that it is getting better then it has in the past. When I started researching 20 years ago, there were no such groups like we have here. There still are only a couple for us partners, but they also seem to be growing. The more we know the better prepared we will be to help our children and others. I use to spend hours at the local library searching for information to educate myself about this.

Take Care Friends, Thank you all for your positive thoughts !!!

TOMRAM: Very well put, you are so right. No one can tell someone else how to heal and how fast to heal. Certainly, it is hard for someone who has not experienced this trauma to understand but I am in agreement that the damage is worsened further when family and friends minimize and trivialize this trauma. It is the MOST UNDER reported crime and when someone is brave enough to come forward, this backlash is an atrocity. I support you and bless you for being your wife's supporter, protector and confidant. I am sure it has not been easy for you either. Your love and compassion is invaluable.
Janeen

As usual Tom, Thanks for your wonderful insight!! H Your family is so blessed to have you as a husband and father. H

Tom, I want to say thank you so much for coming on here and giving us a point of view from a victim's spouse. Your posts have helped me so much through this ordeal. My biggest fear for my daughter(s) is that she will have a difficult time having a healthy relationship with a man when she gets older. My grandmother tells me (when she is speaking to us) that I need to just "let her forget it" and "go back to normal". I haven't questioned her about this, but I am beginning to think my grandmother was abused. And if she "just forgot" about it and "went on as normal" may explain why she has become such a bitter woman. The saddest part is that she is the main reason we can't go back to any sense of normal. She tells us not to keep the kids away from her, then tells us we aren't allowed over there. She keeps the perp's picture hanging on her refrigerator so it is seen any time we do end up over there. Their lack of concern for my kids in everything they have gone through is sometimes harder than the abuse itself.

Broken sun, I dont believe you ever forget it, but at least our children finally told. They have a chance for healing, we are listening, we are giving them the help they need, we are supporting and loving them through this. It will not make everything go away, but when you know your not alone in this, its a comfort. Its time to say goodbye to grandma, its too painful for you and your kids. Hugs to you.

Brokensun,
Thank You and I do appreciate you're words of encouragement and want to try and give the partner perspective to all here. I know sometimes my words can be pretty darn harsh to some here but they really do come from my heart. Just like what you write about with your're grandmother saying to just forget about what happened. I can assure you that is the wrong approach for sure. My wife sees here healing moved forward when she talks about her feelings and the lasting impacts of what she endured.

I'm going to post the latest here about what my 53 year wife who was repeatedly raped for about 10 years by her 7 year older brother. Her parents are in complete denial about what she went through. Her perp. has admitted to what he did has not denied and they are well aware it went on. My lovely wife went in for surgery in November, and she did not even want me to tell her parents she was in the hospital. I believe her feelings come from the fact that her parents have played the "Just get over it game" with her sense she disclosed her abuse 20 years ago. Anyways when her mother found out that she was in the hospital she brought over some soup in a 30 year old pot. She probably has 4 spares and 10 others from a restaurant they use to own. Anyways my wife didn't get this damn pot back to her in what she would consider a timely fashion. So all hell broke loose with my Fahter and Mother in law....

So we move forward to this passed Monday and my wife gets a postcard in the mail from her father which simply says "Return our cookware" not how are you doing, not how are my 3 grandchildren, not wow I know you've been battling serious health issues, not wow I haven't seen yah in 2 years even though we are only 6 miles away. My wife and I are no longer welcome over to their house, however they have absolutely no problem in entertaining the perp. and his wife. I don't know but to me this seems incomprehensible that a parent could treat a child that is a abused like a bad disease and continue to treat the one who caused all the problems like nothing happened. I think that is probably the reason my wife and I have now heard from 5 therapist the exact same thing "Sometimes it is just best to cut your family off for good". They always said for a survivor to be played like a yo-yo and constantly dissappointed in the reaction from family who look at them as being the problem can do more harm now then the memories of abuse.

So back to my story about this damn pot. My wife gets this postcard in the mail and it really made her angry that her father could not pick up the phone and call her about it. So she thinks the best thing to do is take the pot back to them and we went over to drop the damn thing off yesterday and low and behold our niece (perps. daughter is there). Her nor my Father-in-Law could even get up off their butts and greet her. The only thing my Father-in-Law could say was "Hey four eyes". How can anybody be so cruel to their own child ? I have such a a very difficult time dealing with my anger towards my wife's parents when I see her being treated this way. She had her childhood literally ripped away from her, and now she is having her adulthood messed with by parents who are totally clueless. I've have called written letters dropped off a book I put together of nothing but facts about Childhood Sexual Abuse and families. They couldn't even take the time to read about it and help thier lovely daughter heal.

Our 27 year old son is getting married in June and he is not even sure yet whether he wants his own grandparents at his wedding. We have tried to stay neutral with our children about trying to have a relationship with my wife's family, however they see it for what it is. The sad fact is that they see it that their Grandmother & Grandfather treat Mom and Dad terribly and they don't want any part of that.

I can't even begin to understand how a parent could deal with a rapist in the family and a survivor/victim. I do know my wife understands that her parents must love their son and she does understand it is very very difficult on them. My wife is dealing with PTSD and Depression and Dissocitives Dissorders and gets literally sick when she even sees somebody who resembles her brother.

Thank God my wife has my huge family and a Mother and Father in law who treat her as one of their own.

Annholly, I didn't read you're post prior to writing mine but I agree with you about the advice you gave brokensun as well. It might be time to say goodbye to grandma.


Please Parents don't try and push you're survivors into having to see their perps. I assure you healing will move forward allot quicker when they are out of the picture completly...

I'm sorry I rambled on this post friends, but I just needed to vent tonight it's been a difficult couple of days with the damn pot...

My youngest child was the one who disclosed. Several months later (after he realized his aunt would never see him again & he is completely unaware of the hateful things his grandmother has said to me) he said to me, "He wished he would have never told me what happened, because it only made things worse." During another conversation during that time period my oldest son had mentioned that the abuse was bad enough, but he felt the way some of our family (closest family) turned their back on us was even worse than the abuse itself. It has been about three years from those conversations and thankfully neither of them feel that way anymore.

Maybe it is a cliche, but I hate the words moving on, letting go, and forgeting. However, I love the word perservere (spelling?) I don't like the way moving on, letting go and forgeting minimizes what happenes or lets someone of the hook. However, to perservere your rising above what has happened and taking charge despite what has happened.

Tom, I'm appalled and heartbroken for your wife and you. Uuuuggghhh! It's just too much to have to deal with. I'm sure you know since hind sight is 20/20, if there's ever a next time, stick the pot on the front stoop and send back the postcard with a "come and get it anytime" note. Plus, their disrespectful treatment of your wife is just continued abuse on another level. Let them go, have a fun exciting wedding without their abuse and negativity; your son and the rest of his family deserve that, and the day should be about that, not them.

Your posts have been so supportive and insightful. To me it's refreshing to see someone be straightforward, open and honest. I admire your bravery there--I get concerned with offending people and probably sugarcoat things too much, so I probably chicken out a bit on what I want to say and I have to wonder if I'm really being as helpful and supportive as I could be.

I'm glad your wife has your family, and the truth, to support her. She also has us here, thru you, behind her too. The fight she and you fight, the progress you make, and the things you share are important, educational, and inspirational to me. Thanks!

woulddoitagain,

Great words of encouragement and I totally agree. I heard the exact same thing from my wife for a while about her wishing she never told me. However, that was before she got into therapy and now has said the best thing for her was finally talking. You're words of letting go and moving on are correct from what I know and have witnessed. Seems when a survivor is told to just move on; the message has the opposit affect and tells them they are making a mountain out of a mole hill, which obviously is just not true. Another point you bring up is you're son saying the turning of the back by family was even worse then the abuse. I recall reading the exact same thing and have also seen my wife suffer and be let down time and time again by her family.

Thank you for taking the time to post, you're boys are lucky their Mom loves them so much that you are hear searching for help. Believe me it will pay dividends in their healing process knowing you are in their corner.

Bandmom5,

You're kind & compassionate words mean a great deal to me and I sincerely appreciate them. Believe me when I tell you you're words ring very true about that damn pot. I wanted to send a postcard back myself and tell them I would drop it off and if they weren't home I would throw it over their fence back by their stinking trash cans. However one of the many things I have learned is that as difficult as it is for me to deal with the anger towards my wife's family, she untimately is the one that also continues to get hurt. Being a partner and trashing my wife's family is also something that I now know has negative conotations for her as well.

I also really appreciate the fact that you elude to me being open and honest. I have to tell you that came from the insightfullness of hearing it from survivors and partners that they would rather be equipped with facts and not falacy. I also know that with all the partners and survivors that have told me they appreciate my perspective I still never want to offend anybody. I have posted here in the past several times that my wife would be the first to tell you that she has improved from all the education and openess from my research and speaking with others.

Our survivors need all the support, love and help they can get. They have done absolutely nothing wrong, and the more we can support and talk about it I think the better society can cope with it's destruction. How can we help if we choose to stick our heads in the sand and look the other way because we are so concerned about what others think or say ? I know I feel allot better knowing my grown children now know what happened to their mom, we told them about 4 years ago. My wife also feels so much better with them being armed to help others who may be survivors.

Tom, I think I would have taken that 30 year old freaken pot and broke it over their heads!!! What dispicable people. Did you ever read the book "A boy called IT? They picked one child out of the family and abused him( I dont remember it being sexual abuse but horrendous abuse in any case. Your poor wife, tell her that she has friends out here that support and care about her! Im fuming right now how insensitive some people can be.