Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group
This community is a place where members can discuss current events and weigh in on what's going on in the world.
Just read this and thought it might help people who are staying in struggling relationships for the wrong reasons.
http://www.healthcentral.com/multiple-sclerosis/c/16367/21499/story
Recently I held a discussion and book signing at the Hopkinton public library in Hopkinton MA. During the question-and-answer segment of our discussion, one of the participants, the only person present with MS, asked a question beginning with the statement; "I'm amazed, and excited to know that after all that you have been through, you are now remarried. How did that happen, because as you said you are worse physically today than during your first marriage? And, what changed, I mean what was the turning point that allowed you to move forward and get remarried?"
Of course, I knew exactly what she meant, because at one time I had the very same concern with which she was referring. At the point that my wife first wanted to divorce, I had an inner dialogue that went something like this: O'kay Chris, you have what is now becoming severe MS, who's going to want to marry someone with MS? No one is going to want to marry damaged goods. I am sure that I was not the first one .to ever have this inner dialogue. It's a real fear.
I met my then wife to be, Jane, through an online dating service and she was totally aware of my disability. After we had gone on our first date I remember asking her, why would anyone get involved with damaged goods? Why would anyone purchase a vase with a crack in the bottom? Jane's response was "maybe, I need one to hold my dried flowers". All she wanted was "kindness and love" no anger, just kindness and love.
It helps that we both have the same goofy sense of humor. We laugh and laugh together and at one another all the time. Sure, I have slipped ups, get frustrated and angry, the difference is that I have written, re-written, read and re-read. my book so many times that when I do begin to slip-up it's so obvious that I can't help but catch myself. And let's not forget, Jane has read the book so when I slip up she's quick to point out "Chris, I think you need to revisit page 52 "and we have a good chuckle.
Remember life is too short, you choose whether to smile or argue. We were married a year later in April 2008 and life is fantastic. Jane is the most wonderful, loving and caring person that I have ever known. If I had listened to my inner dialogue, I would never have met my wife, Jane, the woman of my dreams. Never give up.
http://www.healthcentral.com/multiple-sclerosis/c/16367/21499/story
Recently I held a discussion and book signing at the Hopkinton public library in Hopkinton MA. During the question-and-answer segment of our discussion, one of the participants, the only person present with MS, asked a question beginning with the statement; "I'm amazed, and excited to know that after all that you have been through, you are now remarried. How did that happen, because as you said you are worse physically today than during your first marriage? And, what changed, I mean what was the turning point that allowed you to move forward and get remarried?"
Of course, I knew exactly what she meant, because at one time I had the very same concern with which she was referring. At the point that my wife first wanted to divorce, I had an inner dialogue that went something like this: O'kay Chris, you have what is now becoming severe MS, who's going to want to marry someone with MS? No one is going to want to marry damaged goods. I am sure that I was not the first one .to ever have this inner dialogue. It's a real fear.
I met my then wife to be, Jane, through an online dating service and she was totally aware of my disability. After we had gone on our first date I remember asking her, why would anyone get involved with damaged goods? Why would anyone purchase a vase with a crack in the bottom? Jane's response was "maybe, I need one to hold my dried flowers". All she wanted was "kindness and love" no anger, just kindness and love.
It helps that we both have the same goofy sense of humor. We laugh and laugh together and at one another all the time. Sure, I have slipped ups, get frustrated and angry, the difference is that I have written, re-written, read and re-read. my book so many times that when I do begin to slip-up it's so obvious that I can't help but catch myself. And let's not forget, Jane has read the book so when I slip up she's quick to point out "Chris, I think you need to revisit page 52 "and we have a good chuckle.
Remember life is too short, you choose whether to smile or argue. We were married a year later in April 2008 and life is fantastic. Jane is the most wonderful, loving and caring person that I have ever known. If I had listened to my inner dialogue, I would never have met my wife, Jane, the woman of my dreams. Never give up.
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Usually I get a daily influx of emails on health topics. An article from Dr. Mercola really stood out recently though because it mentioned that fat cells have their own mitochondria. Not only was this the first I'd heard of this, he also mentioned that fat serves a purpose in our metabolism. Another new factoid for me. The bottom line for me was to appreciate that even our fat cells play a...
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I just do not feel well and I really think that it's because I cried yesterday on my way to work about my Aunt who is in the hospital. I don't think that we will have her much longer. She is very frail. Now she needs help eating. So, this is the third time in a year that I felt this way after crying. I think crying releases toxins into my body. I also worked up a sweat at the gym...
I ask myself that about our future- right now I am good most days but later?
But I know that I can't deal in what ifs.. But your story is very inspiring!!!
Congrats!
My current partner has done things for me that nobody else has ever understood I needed before--really even myself... After 24 years with MS, I've learned how to deal with the MonSter, but he taught me something even more important... The song by the Indigo Girlz says it best, "I'm trying to tell you something about my life / Maybe give you insight between black and white / The best thing you've ever done for me / Was to help me take my life less seriously / It's only life afterall..." Prior to my current 12 year relationship, I was just plainly too serious about everything and I'm so much better more relaxed... Enjoying life for what it is--LIFE--scars and all!
I love my life today in exactly the package in which it came. As you know, that's the best way to LIVE! xoxoxo Cj (Cindyjo)
Hugs,
~Lorrie
Those that view themselves as "less than" become what they think they are.
I am not "less than" and I know it.
I am an attractive woman that passes for their mid-30s in age which is a blessing when you are pushing 55 years of age.
To hell with this seeking a person to love you.
Love yourself first and the rest will follow! :)
Many types of problems, if they just remain below the surface, and we are able to "get by" without really facing or dealing with them, or if we have arranged our lives to accomodate them, they would just stay that way...MS is the thing that changes the reactions and therefore, it is what seems to be the major issue. But it really isn't, JMO.
I have heard people say that everything was great before they got MS, and then you hear that the partner really didn't work much, but it was okay because the person who had MS worked alot, and paid for everything, or a partner was a "little bit of a drinker," but it was okay because so was the person who has MS, or the partner didn't pay much attention to the the one with MS, but that was okay...these kinds of things. Well, now the partenr with MS cannot work two or three jobs to support them, the partner with MS cannot drink every night with the other, the partner with MS needs a little attention and support, the partner with MS cannot take being yelled at all the time.
When a relationship has issues, changing the actions and reactions often brings out very good and very bad things, MS is a game changer in ,many ways, but it is not something that really will create problems where they weren't, in one way or another. Although it certainly will change the way things are defined JMO. But someone who has played on a person's insecurities, low self-esteem, fears,and a many other things, will really go after MS, and it is very hard not to fall into that pit, but if you look at it differently, you know how people say getting a disease changed their lives, well, if you look at it and finally face ti all, it can change your life.
One person i spoke with said that her marriage had broken up, she was so very sad, because her husband could not give up the plan of traveling in retirement. But he had five more years left before he wanted to retire, and she did not have any disability at that time that would have prohibited travel...so, he could have retired early if possible, they could have traveled a little differently if it got to that, he could have traveled with their daughter on some trips. just on and on. So I would say, I don't think it was her MS that was the problem, at least not in the way he made it.
How do you ever get past that? I know there are things that I now have to consider when dating someone myself. I really do not want to date someone who has a diagnosis of something like MS because I would want to care for them when they got ill and know I would not be able to do what I did for my husband when he was dying from cancer. So how can I expect someone to not be picky the same way I have to be?