Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
I just want to say that I reference to the other personalities as "alters" and hope I don't offend anyone with using that term. It's just what I've heard used and what my friend M uses to reference her "others".
I've only known about the DID diagnosis for a few months. I know that there's going to be a lot that will happen down the road. I would greatly appreciate some feedback and suggestions on how to reach out to the alters in a positive way to try and establish rules and boundaries.
The biggest issue I've been having lately with the alters is that they don't tell me that there's been a switch. I'll be talking with M one minute then suddenly the conversation shifts and the alter is doing whatever they do etc (most communication between us is via text or IMing). Most of the time I can pick up on it being the alter because they are all different, but there are times where it's not very clear (because they're all a part of M) and it really bothers me that they don't identify themselves when they switch. I've asked them to a couple of times now (I have no problem talking to them) but I don't want to continue talking about things I need to talk to M about with the alters.
I've noticed in posts I've seen in this group that people will us a "- Name" after their posts. I assume that that's to denote who is currently speaking. I really liked seeing that and would like to try moving toward that type of "courtesy" with M's alters because it isn't always 100% obvious. I have different relationships with each alter because they are a piece of my friend but are different pieces of her, y'know? I wanna make sure I keep my ducks in a row when talking to them.
And since I'm rambling on about this, do you recommend that I try to have individual bonds with the alters? I'm trying to be as accepting of them as I can be so M feels more comfortable around me with this?
I've only known about the DID diagnosis for a few months. I know that there's going to be a lot that will happen down the road. I would greatly appreciate some feedback and suggestions on how to reach out to the alters in a positive way to try and establish rules and boundaries.
The biggest issue I've been having lately with the alters is that they don't tell me that there's been a switch. I'll be talking with M one minute then suddenly the conversation shifts and the alter is doing whatever they do etc (most communication between us is via text or IMing). Most of the time I can pick up on it being the alter because they are all different, but there are times where it's not very clear (because they're all a part of M) and it really bothers me that they don't identify themselves when they switch. I've asked them to a couple of times now (I have no problem talking to them) but I don't want to continue talking about things I need to talk to M about with the alters.
I've noticed in posts I've seen in this group that people will us a "- Name" after their posts. I assume that that's to denote who is currently speaking. I really liked seeing that and would like to try moving toward that type of "courtesy" with M's alters because it isn't always 100% obvious. I have different relationships with each alter because they are a piece of my friend but are different pieces of her, y'know? I wanna make sure I keep my ducks in a row when talking to them.
And since I'm rambling on about this, do you recommend that I try to have individual bonds with the alters? I'm trying to be as accepting of them as I can be so M feels more comfortable around me with this?
In some ways I want to try and work with her alters like your family does to help keep her safe, but I know there's only so much I can do as an outside person. I've always fought for her to protect her - it's a hard role to let go of as a friend.
Starfish: I'm glad that you okay with me asking all of these questions. I really don't want to make people too uncomfortable with my questions but I know that's part of seeking knowledge.
I know that M isnt usually aware of what is going on. From what I understand, she usually remembers going to sleep when they come out and has little to no memory of whats going on. I think she sees herself and the alters as separate people, but I havent directly asked her about it (its hard to broach the subject lately due to her being stressed out about stuff with her girlfriend). I do think her alters can be co-conscious though, because theyll tell me about what happened to upset M and make her hide.
Ive said many times What happened to make _ come out? If I may ask whenever I try to talk about more touchy things so she knows she can tell me no. Most of the time I do ask those questions though is because she/one of them are talking about it to me and Im trying to understand the situation. There have been a few times shes snapped at me and said mean things and I just simply ask her if I upset her or if someone else did and Im just getting backlash. She tends to cool off as soon as I do that (its typically other people who set her off). The one time I was talking about something too much (her deadbeat soon to be ex-husband) she did tell me to back off and I did - immediately apologizing to her as well.
I will definitely try to keep my treatment toward the alters equal and not have favorites. That is something I was really concerned about because I dont want to cause unrest over on her end. Ms girlfriend is kinda doing that (wont go into detail here) and I can see how bad it is hurting Ms self-esteem and self-love. Because of the issues and damage caused by her girlfriend I am walking on egg shells. I know shes hurting, I can feel it because we have been friends so long, but theres nothing I can do. I feel all I can do is just slowly follow along behind her on a tether and wait to catch her when she falls.
I definitely know that M has gone through a much more traumatic event than I have and do respect the differences in our experiences. I am a huge believer of Knowledge is Enlightenment which is a big reason why I try to talk about things I havent experienced and learn more about it. I value myself as a logically oriented person (I would be Mr. Spock LOL). So if/when there is a disagreement or argument between us or me and anyone else I do try to take something away from it. I agree with you its an opportunity to learn.
I will definitely take a look at the book and maybe even suggest it to M for her and her girlfriend to use (they really need it right now LOL).
Again, thank you for your insight. You should totally write a book! :)
P.S. Im so sorry for writing a novel reply! x_x
In my family (outside) I have asked them to treat us all as Stephanie by name, but also to be gently respectful as they sometimes point out that I am behaving in a manner that is incompatible with the circumstances of the moment. For example; I was doing face-painting at a flea market yesterday and a little was very near the surface. She was talking and my son noticed the littleness. He said, "mom, you need to be present here today. There are lots of people who are expecting you to be a grown up." I heard myself answer in a smallperson voice, "We can play too." He said, "Yes. You can play, but make sure mom is the one who talks to the people." We were ok with that.
By the way, my son is awesome :)
Stephanie: The communication in Ms system is broken as far as I know. Shell use a journal to leave notes back and forth with her alters but that was because her therapist told her to. The alters told me that M sees them as completely separate people and is slightly warming up to the idea that they are all connected. The two alters I encounter (the protector and a little) talk to each other and communicate very well.
As for asking her what I should do when they switch, I have tried a little but conversation between us about the alters can be strained. I think this is primarily due to her resistance to acknowledge the alters as part of herself. I think she likes that I spend time with them and ask them how they are doing, how their day was, etc and acknowledge them as individuals.
As for what your son did and how your inside family works together in situations like that, I think thats really awesome! I know that Ms protector takes over whenever she feels threatened but he is rather aggressive (acts like a jerk/asshole to others) and I know her little also takes the reigns when Ms being forced to talk about something she doesnt want to. I think to a degree they can pass themselves off as M (thus why sometimes I get confused as to who Im talking to) but I dont know what happens when they physically switch. Each time she physically switched around me it was before she was diagnosed (and she moved to a different state a few years ago).
Ms little talked to me quite in depth about the trauma that caused her to break. M had talked to me about it in the past but was always vague. If I do give gifts and it upsets them I will definitely reach out and try to clarify my intentions so they know that my intentions arent malicious.
BMW: M and I have gone through many ups and downs throughout the years. She has said that regardless of what happens we always circle back to one another. There are times where Im thankful for that fact, and others Im not. Its part of every human relationship I suppose.
For a long time M thought she was running out of time. She has a severe auto immune disease and was admitted to the hospital 45 times in 2012 where her stays tend to be a week to over a month (I believe she was officially diagnosed during this time). She found out that she only had a few years left to live and she reached out to me (we hadnt talked much since she moved for treatment for the auto immune disease back in 2010) wanting to apologize for her sins against me so what time she did have left I would be in her life. I decided to open the door and let her come back into my life. She also decided to move forward quickly in her relationship with her girlfriend because there were certain things they wanted to do before M would be unable too.
Less than a month ago M found out that her leukemia is in remission (I believe she was stage 4) and the doctors had been telling her she was terminal this whole time. So shes suddenly faced with the fact that she may have more than a couple of years to live. I know its really hard for her to come to grips with because she has thought she was going to die for the last year or more. As her friend, it wants me to fight even more to be supportive. Ive always been positive regardless of the diagnosis but I know she feels a sense of liberation now.
I also think that due to the medical crisis and her thinking that she was on deaths doorstep that the DID could have manifested more strongly than it did in the past. Because the stress was so high and she was in so much anguish the alters stepped forward more to help take care of her. I dont know if this is true or not its just a thought Im having but Ive noticed more activity now than back when she lived in WA.