Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
I just want to say that I reference to the other personalities as "alters" and hope I don't offend anyone with using that term. It's just what I've heard used and what my friend M uses to reference her "others".
I've only known about the DID diagnosis for a few months. I know that there's going to be a lot that will happen down the road. I would greatly appreciate some feedback and suggestions on how to reach out to the alters in a positive way to try and establish rules and boundaries.
The biggest issue I've been having lately with the alters is that they don't tell me that there's been a switch. I'll be talking with M one minute then suddenly the conversation shifts and the alter is doing whatever they do etc (most communication between us is via text or IMing). Most of the time I can pick up on it being the alter because they are all different, but there are times where it's not very clear (because they're all a part of M) and it really bothers me that they don't identify themselves when they switch. I've asked them to a couple of times now (I have no problem talking to them) but I don't want to continue talking about things I need to talk to M about with the alters.
I've noticed in posts I've seen in this group that people will us a "- Name" after their posts. I assume that that's to denote who is currently speaking. I really liked seeing that and would like to try moving toward that type of "courtesy" with M's alters because it isn't always 100% obvious. I have different relationships with each alter because they are a piece of my friend but are different pieces of her, y'know? I wanna make sure I keep my ducks in a row when talking to them.
And since I'm rambling on about this, do you recommend that I try to have individual bonds with the alters? I'm trying to be as accepting of them as I can be so M feels more comfortable around me with this?
I've only known about the DID diagnosis for a few months. I know that there's going to be a lot that will happen down the road. I would greatly appreciate some feedback and suggestions on how to reach out to the alters in a positive way to try and establish rules and boundaries.
The biggest issue I've been having lately with the alters is that they don't tell me that there's been a switch. I'll be talking with M one minute then suddenly the conversation shifts and the alter is doing whatever they do etc (most communication between us is via text or IMing). Most of the time I can pick up on it being the alter because they are all different, but there are times where it's not very clear (because they're all a part of M) and it really bothers me that they don't identify themselves when they switch. I've asked them to a couple of times now (I have no problem talking to them) but I don't want to continue talking about things I need to talk to M about with the alters.
I've noticed in posts I've seen in this group that people will us a "- Name" after their posts. I assume that that's to denote who is currently speaking. I really liked seeing that and would like to try moving toward that type of "courtesy" with M's alters because it isn't always 100% obvious. I have different relationships with each alter because they are a piece of my friend but are different pieces of her, y'know? I wanna make sure I keep my ducks in a row when talking to them.
And since I'm rambling on about this, do you recommend that I try to have individual bonds with the alters? I'm trying to be as accepting of them as I can be so M feels more comfortable around me with this?
Harmony: Thanks for the suggestion. I have been bonding with each one but was worried if I should because I don't want to make M jealous. I also didn't know if it was okay to befriend them from a treatment point of view.
Damn iPhone keyboard lol
I think its important for external people to understand that unlike Hollywood the majority of internals want the whiole system to appear "normal" and thus it will take a very understanding person to pick up the intricate changes between personalities.
EVERYONE loves gifts. I kinow that for me something that really helped my internals to come out and converse with an external person (friend who became my wife) was by coming up with activities or gifts that would be appealing to different age groups. Eg this friend would read children's stories, get the leggo out to play with, bought us a teddy bear, encouraged us to bake cakes with her, bought us a book and encouraged us to draw, took us to an amusement park etc etc.
Slowly my alters began trusting her and started coming out and talking to her face to face and not texting or IMing her.
Just remember it is a process. The reason alter personalities exist is because they have been severely traumatised, often by people they should have been able to trust the most. It is quite possible that M has alters who are telling her to dump you as a friend, that M doesnt need you because so called friends will always hurt her and the only people M can trust is themselves.
What I've found helpful is I sit down ad write out what I want to say to my alters and then I write down what they say in response. It's been pretty useful for us and we've been able to set up some strong boundaries. With one of my alters, she would cut every time we switched, but now she's much better about that and we haven't had a problem with it for quite a while =) I hope this helps you as much as it's help me!
And I plan on coming here whenever I have questions on DID. I really appreciate everyone's willingness to help me understand this better. :)
And I do want to be a supportive friend but I know I can't fix her. I encourage her to talk with her therapists and girlfriend because they're that need to be her strength, but I want to be a good friend and not shun or chastise her for this. A lot of people she's surrounded by don't understand that this is a disorder and think she's just being a bitch. I want to help make her feel comfortable with this around me so she gets some acceptance.
Here is my feedback:
Sometimes, we ourselves don't know when we've switched or forget we are communicating with someone in the outside world, and M might not know who's speaking or who's out at that particular moment. We all have different degrees of awareness of our own alters. Especially the ones that might use team work on a daily basis to function. It just gets perceived by us as "us". (singular)
There's not always a clear line between supportive friend and therapist; but be careful because the therapist is there to help M deal with things that regular people around her might get hurt by, or make her withdraw because she doesn't want to hurt anyone or get rejected by being completely open and honest. If things seem to get to that place where either of you gets uncomfortable, you can talk with her about it, and agree to be able to just tell her, that perhaps she would feel more comfortable talking with her therapist about it when a conversation gets sticky. Or, she could tell you that she would rather talk with her therapist about something, then you both can feel safe that you won't deeply hurt or anger the other unnecessarily. Be careful though, because it's easy to slip in a moment of anger and use that phrase sarcastically, which would not just hurt but also damage the trust you've earned. Both of you being open and respecting that boundary is a way of earning each other's trust. Also, it makes it easier to offer and accept an apology if an accidental injury happens. That can't be avoided!!
Something else to be aware of, is that it is important to not favor one alter over another, as that can reak havoc. That is different from one alter being your favorite. But keep that inside your own self.
So when you give a gift, expect that SOMEBODY is going to get upset about it. And that in itself is not a bad thing, and practically unavoidable. But instead of seeing it as a problem, try seeing it as an opportunity to help the angry one work out their own issue about it. And when they see the light, ask them what they would (reasonably) like to do or have, too.
I think the key here, which works with any relationship, is to be fair and just to everyone and thoughtful of their own unique self. I grew up with a LOT of gossip, so it was hard work to train myself to interpret some judgemental or some other negative comment into a neutral comment that would apply to everybody, and perhaps cause someone to think about their own self. In otherwords, flip the intention from mean to kind.
It "sounds" to me in your writing that you might be stepping on eggshells and worried about offending M. If you can assure each other that you'd never intentionally do that, (and if you do, be able and willing to be able to point that out to the other, and the other non-defensively appologize.) It is also an expected thing in any relationship, as we all are human with feelings that are going to get hurt sometimes. And ironically and unfortunately, most often the deepest hurts are by those closest to us. Because they are the ones most able to.
As for knowing who's out at any given time, just learn to roll with it. If you see that someone else is out, you could address what they want to say, and then ask if M can come back to finish talking with you. You never know who might also be present and able to hear what you are telling M. Sometimes we are able to be "co-present"; in other words, others are near enough they can also see and hear what's going on. Kind of like they are standing behind M.
If you talk to M, or anyone else, as though the person being talked about is also there, it is a lot easier to avoid hurt feelings and misunerstandings. Once in a while that doesn't apply because you just have to say something that might easily hurt the third person's feelings. When that happens, I try to think about the person I'm talking to, and what they would want to hear said if it was a conversation about them.
There is a difference between gaining trust and earning trust. Gaining trust implies you are have some kind of alterior motive. Even if you might be enticing someone for a good reason, it still is likely to be offensive once they see what has happened. It will be even harder to earn their trust that way. Earned trust is genuine trust. And it is a two-way street. It is not just acting a certain way, or saying a certain thing, (or not) but actually being respectful, honest, etc. Gained trust is momentary; and sometimes it is an only way to solve an urgent situation. But if you want the kind of trust you can depend on, then you have to be dependable. That doesn't mean perfect. It means that you are or working on learning to be trustworthy, and that you are willing and able to admit when and what you've done wrong. That can be extrememly difficult when you've been raised with shame and guilt dumped on you, and you normally have to react defensively when an error has been made. When that happens, you've learned to try to ignore, hide, and lie about something that you might have done wrong. It might not even be something that you do on purpose, but just as normal as going potty when you've got to pee instead of wetting yourself.
It is important to be aware that you both are human and you both have issues of some kind or another. And it is also important to remember that M has more issues, deeper pain, and probably more repressed anger than you do. So there may be times when you have to take the high road more than she does or will, and bear with her. Which in the long run, will make you not a better, but a stronger person. And you never know when she might be doing the same thing for you. Each problem is an opportunity to learn about each other. And you can get two perspectives on a situation if you can each talk carefully and thoughtfully about difficult subjects.
Here is a little booklet I have kept for years and years, called, "Tender Talk" It is an excellent starter on how to communicate better. It says that it is a practical guide to intimate conversations, but the principles in it really apply to just about every conversation.
http://www.amazon.com/Tender-Talk-Practical-Intimate-Conversations/dp/0977058514
:)