Male - Other Health Issues Support Group
Includes issues related to Vasectomy, Enlarged Prostate, Prostatitis, Circumcision, Gynecomastia, and STD - Male.
I am 36, my wife is 37, and we have been TTC for about a year now. I recently went to a noted Fertility Clinic and, after 2 semen samples and a blood test, I was told that I might be azoospermic.
I am writing this, because I have read many posts in the Male Infertility Support Group, and most of the posts are actually written by women--wives and girlfriends. I want to provide the male perspective so that other men might feel they're not alone in this and might want to speak up.
There is a horrible depression that often happens as a result of finding out we're sterile. I'm going to be going to an incredible specialist for Sperm Mapping, Dr. Turek in San Francisco, and he describes the way men feel when they've been told they have no sperm as "that Azoospermic Feeling"
http://turekonmenshealth.com/2011/02/07/that-azoospermia-feeling-vasectomy/
On a purely biological level, men are designed to plant their seed. That's the male organism's function, just as a woman's holy function is to bear the children. When we--men--can't do this, it's DEVASTATING!!! And many people don't understand this. They offer solutions, and they talk about adoption, or donor sperm. But that's not the problem, and it's not at all helpful. We just need to be heard and supported. The problem is that for many of us who DON'T know how to share our feelings we shut down. Some men, I've read, lose interest in intimacy. It's not good!
Personally, I feel, on some level, totally inadequate. It's not mental. It's not chemical. It's a depression in my very core. I almost want to take my penis and testicles and throw them away, except my wife would be very upset, of course; I'm just thankful this isn't psychological and hasn't affected our sex/love life.
Ladies, if your husband/lover/boyfriend is experiencing similar issues, I would love to commiserate with him. I know this is hard for you, as well. Men, we have to speak up. We can't bear this alone or live in denial, or deny our wives our love, our support--or our bodies. Let's talk.
I am writing this, because I have read many posts in the Male Infertility Support Group, and most of the posts are actually written by women--wives and girlfriends. I want to provide the male perspective so that other men might feel they're not alone in this and might want to speak up.
There is a horrible depression that often happens as a result of finding out we're sterile. I'm going to be going to an incredible specialist for Sperm Mapping, Dr. Turek in San Francisco, and he describes the way men feel when they've been told they have no sperm as "that Azoospermic Feeling"
http://turekonmenshealth.com/2011/02/07/that-azoospermia-feeling-vasectomy/
On a purely biological level, men are designed to plant their seed. That's the male organism's function, just as a woman's holy function is to bear the children. When we--men--can't do this, it's DEVASTATING!!! And many people don't understand this. They offer solutions, and they talk about adoption, or donor sperm. But that's not the problem, and it's not at all helpful. We just need to be heard and supported. The problem is that for many of us who DON'T know how to share our feelings we shut down. Some men, I've read, lose interest in intimacy. It's not good!
Personally, I feel, on some level, totally inadequate. It's not mental. It's not chemical. It's a depression in my very core. I almost want to take my penis and testicles and throw them away, except my wife would be very upset, of course; I'm just thankful this isn't psychological and hasn't affected our sex/love life.
Ladies, if your husband/lover/boyfriend is experiencing similar issues, I would love to commiserate with him. I know this is hard for you, as well. Men, we have to speak up. We can't bear this alone or live in denial, or deny our wives our love, our support--or our bodies. Let's talk.
I'm 38, I've a lovely partner who's been desperate to have kids for years, and I was diagnosed Azoospermatic six months ago. Probable cause is a dose of the mumps about 5 or 6 years ago. On top of the Azo this has left me with low testosterone too, just when I needed it the most.
For me, this all was just mind numbing. I don't think I even thought about it fully for another two months.
Worst thing was the confirmation of the Azo diagnosis was undertaken as part of a funded IVF process - result being we couldn't hit pause, we had to move on to using a donor for my partner, all pretty much before I've really come to terms with any of this. She's now pregnant, but even this doesn't provide me with much in the way of comfort right now.
Needless to say, I've become quite depressed over the last few months. The monthly depression from my partner NOT being pregnant for nearly 18 months was bad enough, but then this blow was just incredible, I've never experienced anything like this.
Strangest thing for me has been that I've always felt I didn't want kids. I've told myself and anyone who'll listen that I like my lifestyle, thankyouverymuch, and I'm not really the "dad" type. I guess I was kidding myself, because now the choice has been taken away I'm just gutted..
I totally understand the inadequacy feeling. I've had trouble believing my partner wants to stay with me, I've had trouble believing I'm good at *anything* any more, even my work has suffered because my confidence has been destroyed. All my friends have kids now, my social life (such as it is) is filled with reminders of what I've lost, and it's sometimes too much to bear.
I have pieced some normality back together, by finding ways to "cope", but I'm no-where near "normal" yet.
Perhaps I'm ready to step beyond denial...?
I just wanted to say thanks. I only found out last Friday I was azoospermic and as everyone says you are right. Most of all it is very frustrating that there are not more men talking about this. I know we don't like to share our feelings for whatever reason but that makes it harder for me.
This is the first post I've seen that I can relate to. My wife is very supportive but at the moment it just feels like we go up and down with emotions. I'm worried that she is over positive about potential treatments and that I can't say that as if I do she will be really upset again. From what I understand if we want children it will have to be with a donor or adoption. This scares me, not because they wouldn't be biologically mine, but I don't know what I'd tell them. Or why they may feel they are not like me at all.
Also my wife and I are the opposite in the way that we deal with problems. My mum died when I was younger and I found my way of coping was through humour and telling lots of people. Like if everyone knew then it was no longer a problem to be skirted around. At the moment I feel i want to tell people but my wife is very private. I totally respect her for that and will not tell people when she feels this way. In the end if we do try treatment and find a slim chance it is much worse for her than it is for me.
I'm sorry this is such a ramble but I didn't know how to start. Thanks for putting stuff online, it really helps. As you can see I am embarrassed to put my real name down. Gollum pretty much somes up how I feel about myself. I'm sure that I will change this to my real name once I feel better within myself about the situation.
Cheers
Gollum
I'm feeling much better now. We've got another couple of months till the baby is due, we have a house full of donated small fluffy clothes and brightly coloured plastic things, and the nursery is almost ready after a long haul of decoration and works.
It'll get better, stick with it. Find some time for yourself to shout, cry, walk in the mountains away from the rest of the world where you don't feel like you have to put on a show for anyone any more. Give yourself time to grieve. I think for me there was a sense of losing "all the babies I'll never have".. which isn't terribly rational, but there you go.. It was exactly how I imagine losing a real living child would feel (though I suppose and hope I don't have to find out how wrong I am about that). So, all I'm saying is, don't expect too much of yourself, give yourself time to adjust to this change of life.
Good luck.
I wasn't okay with donor sperm or adoption initially...but now in my head I'm thinking that I'd rather have children than not. I haven't looked into the donor option, if my wife is even willing to go that route. There are some questions I need to ask first but I'm afraid, not sure how to go about it. Is it possible to have a family member be the donor or is that just sick/disgusting? I think if I could, then at least I'd have a connection to the child.
I'm doing better now. At about 8 weeks then 12 weeks I'm feeling more like its my child. It's now 17 weeks and I speak to it every day so it hears my voice, it gives me more connection. Yesterday wasn't as good. I was walking around Madison saw a lot of pregnant women. I was feeling "I can never cause that to happen". I see families and I get depressed sometimes, but overall, I'm doing better. With the pregnancy and now going so far along, my wife has become more loving than angry at the situation as well and that has helped.
A family member? I have read some people do and some don't. I have no brothers or cousins so that wasn't an option for me. It's a personal decision and I have no advice/rec on that one. Good luck with your discussions with your wife!
You totally hit the nail on the head as far as I'm concerned. Kids from donor sperm are not the same and I can not wrap my head around the possibility of ever using that. I told my wife outright that I would rather just be childless and enjoy our life together, spending the extra income on trips and upgrading our current home.
I and extremely hostile to the thought of "just adopt" or "you'll forget the child isn't related to you". Those people are all whacks who say this thoughtless crap.
I found out a few months ago that while I do make sperm, they are 100% abnormal and unlikely to result in a pregnancy. While it's not exactly the same I feel like I'm no longer a man and have become extremely depressed and no longer even associate with my friends with kids.
Those were my thoughts going into the whole IVF procedure. If I couldn't have my own kids, I don't want any.
I'm depressed right now. I don't know what to expect when I go into work tomorrow. I'm not sure how I'll even get through the day. I just want to disappear completely and let everyone forget about me and the utter failure that I am.
I feel like I'm going to explode.
At the end of the day you don't have to do anything. You have every right to be upset and should vent freely on here.
The emotional toll on the husband is enormous, especially because the husband feels blamed for his wife's emotional problems and depression and cant do anything about it.
we keep trying IUI using donor sperms and I pray it works soon. The feeling of inadequacy, not being man enough, and fear of your wife cheating on you etc are some of the emotions that I have gone through- severe enough to seek counseling from my pastor. My reason for this post is to encourage other men who might be going through this similar situation with wife's who constantly cry and feel depressed totally oblivious to the emotional toll this takes on their husbands.
My advice is to focus on getting her pregnant and supporting her emotionally as much as you can. you can buy suitable donor sperms of someone that looks like you at cryobanks and try to inseminate her yourself at home- this is also very stressful for you as a man- using someone else's sperm. but keep your emotions in check. focus on the solution and not on the problem. your wife will continue to cry on your shoulder's all through this process. You shouldnt be selfish and hold off your wife's right to have children right away- for women, this can sometimes be a matter of urgency if they are over 30 and feel that they are running out of time. I believe that you will be the man again only after your wife gets pregnant. I believe you will love the child just as much even though the baby isn't your DNA.