Male - Other Health Issues Support Group
Includes issues related to Vasectomy, Enlarged Prostate, Prostatitis, Circumcision, Gynecomastia, and STD - Male.
I am 36, my wife is 37, and we have been TTC for about a year now. I recently went to a noted Fertility Clinic and, after 2 semen samples and a blood test, I was told that I might be azoospermic.
I am writing this, because I have read many posts in the Male Infertility Support Group, and most of the posts are actually written by women--wives and girlfriends. I want to provide the male perspective so that other men might feel they're not alone in this and might want to speak up.
There is a horrible depression that often happens as a result of finding out we're sterile. I'm going to be going to an incredible specialist for Sperm Mapping, Dr. Turek in San Francisco, and he describes the way men feel when they've been told they have no sperm as "that Azoospermic Feeling"
http://turekonmenshealth.com/2011/02/07/that-azoospermia-feeling-vasectomy/
On a purely biological level, men are designed to plant their seed. That's the male organism's function, just as a woman's holy function is to bear the children. When we--men--can't do this, it's DEVASTATING!!! And many people don't understand this. They offer solutions, and they talk about adoption, or donor sperm. But that's not the problem, and it's not at all helpful. We just need to be heard and supported. The problem is that for many of us who DON'T know how to share our feelings we shut down. Some men, I've read, lose interest in intimacy. It's not good!
Personally, I feel, on some level, totally inadequate. It's not mental. It's not chemical. It's a depression in my very core. I almost want to take my penis and testicles and throw them away, except my wife would be very upset, of course; I'm just thankful this isn't psychological and hasn't affected our sex/love life.
Ladies, if your husband/lover/boyfriend is experiencing similar issues, I would love to commiserate with him. I know this is hard for you, as well. Men, we have to speak up. We can't bear this alone or live in denial, or deny our wives our love, our support--or our bodies. Let's talk.
I am writing this, because I have read many posts in the Male Infertility Support Group, and most of the posts are actually written by women--wives and girlfriends. I want to provide the male perspective so that other men might feel they're not alone in this and might want to speak up.
There is a horrible depression that often happens as a result of finding out we're sterile. I'm going to be going to an incredible specialist for Sperm Mapping, Dr. Turek in San Francisco, and he describes the way men feel when they've been told they have no sperm as "that Azoospermic Feeling"
http://turekonmenshealth.com/2011/02/07/that-azoospermia-feeling-vasectomy/
On a purely biological level, men are designed to plant their seed. That's the male organism's function, just as a woman's holy function is to bear the children. When we--men--can't do this, it's DEVASTATING!!! And many people don't understand this. They offer solutions, and they talk about adoption, or donor sperm. But that's not the problem, and it's not at all helpful. We just need to be heard and supported. The problem is that for many of us who DON'T know how to share our feelings we shut down. Some men, I've read, lose interest in intimacy. It's not good!
Personally, I feel, on some level, totally inadequate. It's not mental. It's not chemical. It's a depression in my very core. I almost want to take my penis and testicles and throw them away, except my wife would be very upset, of course; I'm just thankful this isn't psychological and hasn't affected our sex/love life.
Ladies, if your husband/lover/boyfriend is experiencing similar issues, I would love to commiserate with him. I know this is hard for you, as well. Men, we have to speak up. We can't bear this alone or live in denial, or deny our wives our love, our support--or our bodies. Let's talk.
I've had azoospermia now for over 4 years and following initial 'other options' have firmly put this to the back of my head. It never went away. All i've wanted is to talk to someone going through the same situation. My girlfriend and family try talking to me about it and i shut down. My friends feel too uncomfortable discussing this, even my closest mates. I have found this very difficult.
My girlfriend keeps asking me about other options and my stock answer, 'there's nothing, adoption or donor sperm'. We were not together when i found out but have been very honest with my girlfriend from early in our relationship and she has been great. I was single for 2 years prior to meeting my girl mainly due to the guilt of denying a woman their right to have a baby.
The adoption/donor sperm thing.....can't get my head round it and instinctively don't want to know.
I did attend the fertility show in london to discuss other options but if i'm honest i feel lost and not sure what to do next.
I apologise for my extremely negative message but would very much like communicate over this. Take it easy.
George
Regarding your disdain for donor sperm I can relate to you. On the surface I don't have a problem with it, and I certainly feel that half our genes in our child are "better" than none of them in our child; I would love to see my wife in our little one. But, again, this goes back to biology, to my mind. I feel guilty that I don't want to drop everything to use a donor, but, as an animal, I feel the same sort of compunction that a male chimp might (I believe I'm thinking of the right animal) if another male impregnated his mate: he would reject it outright. Now, I wouldn't kill the baby--of course!--but the instinct is the same: it's not mine! So, even though our gender is dragged through the mud as many women characterize us as neo-Neanderthals (in our worst moments), most people seem to forget that at our core we ARE animals. Right? I think this has to be acknowledged, at least by our spouses. Fortunately, mine is amazing, and she gets it. I can't tell you how far I've come from the brink of believing I'm insane to feeling I'm just human, because I talked to Dr. Turek and my wife about this issue.
I'm glad what I wrote struck a chord with you, George. Please share more, if you like. I guess you closest mates probably can't empathize with your situation. Hell, I don't know if I could've if I wasn't going through this myself. But you're not alone, my friend.
Have a great day!
The point I was making in my post, and which George seemed to understand as another man, is that verbal consolation is not necessarily the best cure for the pain. My own wife occasionally says things that--to her--are supposed to be reassuring to me, but they aren't. What has helped me feel adequate has been having other guys I trust to listen to me. The ground rules are: 1) do NOT offer solutions and 2) just listen and be supportive. This has worked well for me. My wife's gentle touch and loving embrace have been wonderful, because then I can FEEL her love.
I believe your husband just need to FEEL how much people love and care about him, not HEAR it.
It takes a real man to be given a challenge like this and do something great for himself and his family with it. There are many men loaded with sperm who are just children, making no impact on our world for the better. Your husband must be a good man, because this is an opportunity for greatness. I would not tell him this, because I don't think he'd hear it yet. But I would be happy to talk with him if he's open to it. I'm going through the same thing. My number is 707.205.5014 if he--or you!--wants to talk.
Good luck. It will get better. It will. :)
I think one of the best things you could do for him is just say, "Honey, I trust you to get through this on your time. I know there's nothing wrong with you, and I'll show you that by letting you be you. If you want to talk about this, I'm always here for you." It's possible that by trying to take care of him--or "fix" things, as you say--it reminds him that there's something "wrong."
Yes, I imagine that talking with your friends instead would benefit both of you, but he NEEDS to talk to someone, at some point. We men tend to forget we're social creatures, too. But, as I said, it has to be on his time. If he's not showing drastic personality changes or saying extremely negative things I would guess that his mental health is fine and he will come to a good place with this relatively soon.
Don't worry. He's a lucky man to have a wife like you. I have no doubt you guys have a wonderful future ahead of you. And, as my fertility doctor told me, "if you can get through this together, you can get through anything."
Best wishes to both of you. Neither of you are alone. I promise.
Brian
Thank u
If you want to give your husband my number, it's 707.205.5014. I'd be happy to talk with him. Sometimes men feel like having a talk arranged for them is weird, that maybe the other guy is flaky, or whatever. I understand. I'm a guy, too. But it really helps to talk, and I'm glad you see that for him.
Take care!
Brian
If you want to give your husband my number, it's 707.205.5014. I'd be happy to talk with him. Sometimes men feel like having a talk arranged for them is weird, that maybe the other guy is flaky, or whatever. I understand. I'm a guy, too. But it really helps to talk, and I'm glad you see that for him.
Take care!
Brian
If you want to give your husband my number, it's 707.205.5014. I'd be happy to talk with him. Sometimes men feel like having a talk arranged for them is weird, that maybe the other guy is flaky, or whatever. I understand. I'm a guy, too. But it really helps to talk, and I'm glad you see that for him.
Take care!
Brian
Incidentally, Katie and I are going to Australia in March for 3 months. We're going to be in Mutujulu, near Uluru for most of the time to do some work with the Yankunytjatjara people.
Take care,
Brian