Yes, shame, guilt, embarrassment are human emotions and I bet everyone carries some of these around. For me, I had to examine why I felt the guilt and shame. It goes back to my childhood and my mom used a lot of shaming on us as "guidance". Things like trying on hand me down clothes as a kid and saying "I could be pregnant in this top" because it was so huge. And my mom saying "You better not be pregnant!". Heck I was not even interested in boys yet but this caused me so much shame because my mom shamed me. I think she was ashamed that we were given hand me down clothes so when I criticized the fit in my childish innocence, she reacted poorly. Once I figured out where the guilt and shame came from or comes from, then I start to do some positive self talk. I am currently working on forgiving people, including myself. Journaling with pen to paper every evening about your feelings will help. Dig deep and it will be painful but that is how you cope and learn to lighten your own emotional burden. If you need to make amends to someone, then make them properly. If you feel shame and embarrassment over another person's actions that ended the marriage, examine why you carry this. Does it mean you were not good enough to keep a marriage going? Then give yourself positive self talk like you would to a friend. Perhaps like no one could have kept the marriage going, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time and I forgive myself for X or Y. Start to say these mantras that deal with the shame and embarrassment every day, multiple times per day. I have shame I married an addict who never stopped even though the family grew and grew and I hid the truth of his behavior from the kids and myself so they would not have to do weekends at his house by themselves if I divorced earlier. I had shame that my ex was drinking in bars 4 times a week and then not coming home. Like it was my fault I was not good enough or able to control him. After much internal work, I have come to peace. The shame of my childhood raising still haunts me at times. Like when people 'reject" me or don't call back or I hear friends went to lunch without me. Like when I say no to an outing or gathering that I truly do not want to go. Saying no strikes up my shame, in thinking no one will like me if I say no. But I talk myself out of the shame chain by saying its so great I am doing what meets my own needs first and doing self love by saying no. Good question!

teachbike, I want to challenge you on something with kindness and support. No marriage ends in divorce if it was a great marriage. Maybe you weren't paying attention or you had such loyalty you kept blinders on. So if you can drop this false narrative of a great marriage, you may find the guilt and embarrassment start to get lifted. If you can dig into how the marriage and partners had flaws and it is okay to acknowledge it wasn't great. Maybe something good has come from it ending? I think my ex thought we had a great marriage because he was doing his thing and I was allowing it. It was great for him. The marriage had been hell for me (30 years) and he never cared. Ten years of talking to him and being too passive and one year I had enough. He saw me as a possession of his, not a human. I know other women whose spouses were hunting for the next, younger, thinner, more agreeable spouse, and these women thought they had a perfect marriage until one day they found out about the new lover. The thing is, both my ex and myself did not the best we could at the time with what we knew but we both made mistakes in cultivating a dysfunctional relationship that looked perfect on the outside and was pretending on the inside. We have to heal ourselves with the truth, forgive ourselves for being fallible, and move forward.

Guilt and shame---I don't know about you but for me the guilt and shame was because my parents were devote Catholics and didn't believe in divorce.
I also remember extreme sadness along with the guilt and shame--someone told it it's because "my dream was broken".
It took a long while to get over those feelings.
I got divorced 20 years ago and at that time, Parents without Partners were a big group where I live. I joined them and they helped tremendously, they were all in my shoes. It helps to be around and talk to people in similar circumstances. Unload some of the thoughts and feelings. I know how you feel. I wish you well.

Urbangardner…
I appreciate your response and I take no insult or offense.
By great marriage I meant for most of the 33 years it was. After the nest emptied we started to drift. I am 100% guilty of burying my head in the sand until it was too late. My wife did the same.
By the time I lifted my head, we were past the point of no return. I did nothing out of fear . That accounts for the embarrassment. The shame is from my value system. I was to be married for life. I take full responsibility for my parts that resulted in the marriage ending.
Again I thank you for the response. I too was a New Yorker.

Maria,
Thanks for the response. Like you, my dream was shattered. My wife and I met 50 years ago and married 45 years ago. So much of me is wrapped around her. It’s pretty difficult to separate.
You’d think after 13 years alone, I would have moved on, even a little. Maybe I have but the weight is still heavy and burdensome..
I hope you find joy.

Maybe the problem is the things we tell ourselves. Marriage for life, for example, or having a perfect family. Maybe if we can let go of these rules that we set up, we would find inner peace. What if the married for life thing sounds great but also hides a life of inner despair and lack of intimacy/connection with the other person. What if your life needed this change to develop in some way. You take full responsibility and that may be beating yourself up. Making yourself suffer so that no happiness can creep in. So what if this marriage needed to end so that you could do (fill in the blanks) in your life. What if your rules aren't helping you live life to the fullest and the highest good at this point. Being loyal and faithful is great. Not intending a marriage to be short term is great. But life is long, thirty years is long. Its time to move forward and seize your happiness back and let go of all the old stuff that holds you back. Think of this burden as a backpack you carry around filled with rocks. Think of how this heavy backpack is holding you back. Give yourself a mental image of carrying this load for 13 years. Decide you are ready to release your negative thoughts about yourself and drop the backpack. Or at least start taking out some of the rocks, give yourself a mental picture of being free of this burden you carry. Your other choice is to continue making yourself unhappy. Some people do decide to punish themselves daily and never allow happiness. Best wishes to you.

All good wisdom and advice. And very much appreciated
I have managed to shed a few rocks over the years. I have always thought I was a better “we” than a “ me.” It’s like one sock. It takes a lot of creativity and imagination to make it useful.
It all takes such an intense effort and sometimes I just don’t have the strength.
But I’m still pitching.
Thanks again.

What is the choice if we stop trying to heal ourselves and move forward because it is hard? Do we want to continue to live in despair, depression, self blame, self hate? There really is no healthy choice but to do our work. We can't attract a better partner, a healthier relationship, if we don't do this hard work. I am right there with you, teachbike. It's not easy but we are worth the hard work. You are worth the hard work to heal so you can continue to seek a happy, content life. When I say happy life, I also recognize that no one has a perfect, happy life - we all have times of illness, death in the family or friends, loss of job, or other painful experiences. But if we can choose to be happy in our attitude about ourselves and life, we will feel better than if we chose to be miserable.

Time is put that old history behind you...can't change it so have to tame it in your life. Lost son and wife in 2009 and 2007, decided one day at a time is the only way to go. Get up each day...be thankful for three things in the present time that are going your way...could be as simple as you are breathing on your own, have enough to eat and live in a safe neighborhood. Each day lost living yesterday is one less day living in the now. Be at peace... baldandbold