I really don’t know when it happened- when the first of my best friends got married or maybe the third. Maybe when the fourth got married and the flower girl was tthe daughter of a girl (woman?) I’ve known since 6th grade - the first of our group to get married, the first to be a mom - she’s our trailblazer.  I keep getting left farther and farther behind more and more quickly. I worked so hard to get a degree I can’t use, have never had what could be considered a healthy relationship, have scars all over my body (a body I hate with a passion but do nothing about) from the self-harm I’ve done to myself and -honestly- still do sometimes. I spent have my life so depressed and suicidal that I bounced in and out of treatment and hospitals - always attempting suicide but never completing, obviously.  I will never catch up, will I? Always behind, always pathetic, always alone.  I will never fall in love, never get married surrounded by my friends and family, never have the privilege of being a mother.  Alone alway, left behind.