I once wrote a lot. I don't do this anymore. I shut myself off from the entire world. I had a lot of problems with boundaries due to boundaries being violated as a kid (mostly while sleeping). I can't go home without feeling stress about it so I choose not to go home and be around the person who did this to me and I don't think about it anymore as it is in the past. I contiunually chose to make myself a victim as those who are victims of abuse usually do because they adapt to this behavior. I have had times where I've overdosed (after two miscarriage and everything falling apart at once. Mind you this is not a cry for pity. I'm just in the same place again with one exception. I actually have a daughter now who brings me a lot of joy and who I would like to raise in a healthy environment. The trouble is I believe my relationship with my husband is toxic to her and she won't learn the values of a "good" relationship. I don't want us to be the parents he and his ex wife were and are with there kids or be like my parents were with me. I am debating divorce but I don't want a huge custody battle to ensue if this should happen but my husband has shown me that if he is pissed he does not care about my feelings and me the same. I retaliate to even the score. It's a sad and pathetic process and I'm tired of that stupid little game. I am lost and unhappy and quite frankly just terrified he's is going to do something that jeopardizes my quote unquote sanity and I just want to escape so I can take care of my daughter. I'm a very smart person and I know I have issues but I've received a lot of therapy. My husband has issues but has received very little therapy. My assessment is he is borderline sociopath or something similar to borderline personality. That is the way it feels to me a lot of times due to his behaviors.

I do not know what to do :-(. I know I'm emotional right now and going through pain because he hurt me with actions on his trip to go to court with his ex wife. He never discussed going to pick up his daughter at school in his old neighborhood and didn't arrange to have his daughter meet him somewhere. He never discussed it with me and told me he "didn't plan it" He had an indiscrections while he and his ex wife while they were still married. They divorce and he continually had sexual relationships with her while being in relationships with other females (sexual or friendships leading to sex). I didn't think it was appropriate he go to her neighborhood even if he says he hates her guts. He said he hated her guts but kept sleeping with her. I feel like that was a strong possibility but he did not take this into consideration and he continues to undermine my feelings and I want to leave him. I am hurt and lost. I understand picking up children from school because you have not seen them but I need support in my feelings of the inappropriate nature of his way of doing things I suppose because his ex wifes husband wasnt there and I've already witnessed the fact that he can have sex with his ex wife and not have feelings for her. I'm trying to find a way to leave because I'm tired of him running over my feelings. He lied about watching porn for a month and blamed it on me. I want my child in a healthy environment and around two loving adults. The only solution I've come up with for myself is Family Therapy through a church. I'm tired of going through this alone and need support from friends if there are any out there. Maybe some friendly advice. I dont have trust in him especially because in Feburary he made up and elaborate lie for a month about watching porn and he wants me to trust him by now and it's ridiculous. It feels like he is hiding shit all the time :-(. I am slowly working on getting myself to where I need to be but it's hard doing it pretty much alone. He doesn't support my feelings. I'm tired of it. Any advice is welcomed because I need it.