Hi,

I was a regular on this board for a long while, back again to say hello, how are you all?

I'm making dinner...just me and one very hopeful cat named Annie. She thinks all food is about and for her!

So the onions and beef are cooking, the broccoli is gonna be steamed soon and I'm making some pasta. Going all out, because today I've got the energy to cook, this is the good stuff!

I've had different kinds of loneliness hit me through the years. For the past year, I've been adjusting to a major change. I can no longer work, so I lost that identity and daily purpose. I can't keep up with friends, don't have the strength or energy for my former social life. I am not solely defined by my conditions, but they have impacted me in many ways. I've done a lot to offset the isolation I find myself alone at home, sometimes for weeks at a time. I have an upbeat outlook, that took me time to find and time to learn how to live that way. It didn't happen because I snapped my fingers. It took time, patience, practice and a lot of self-compassion.

Everybody has to find their own answers and we can all share the journey, vent, talk, lend support and so on. I often just want to talk period. To a person, about general stuff, about life and about how to improve my quality of life. I have as far as I know, LOL, quantity of life, but all these changes have been hugontious as my daughter likes to say regarding the quality.......

I began by getting really sick last April on top of added chronic conditions. I was seriously advised to stop working, to go home and safe my life. I pretty much curled up in a ball of misery. I decided that I was useless, worthless, a failure and I predicted only the worst outcome. Three months of that on top of illness got old. I decided my way didn't work, in fact it sucked. So I decided to try another way.

Self-compassion was at the top of my list. I decided to stop bullying myself. I would treat myself well, with kindness, tact, and respect. I also decided to seek two things, peace and joy. In about a month I noticed I was crying less, more alert, functioning better. I decided to tackle my thoughts and my emotions. I would observe me from a distance. I realized that my thoughts would take a very negative path, between worry, hurts, pain, life changing so dramatically. Then once the tape was running over and over...all this head talk going on, I would add my emotional muck and dial it up...higher and higher. Every time I did that I felt like something way below pond scum.

So I decided to recalibrate and keep working on treating myself well. I let go of my old expectations, my old abilities, let go of people and things that weren't working for me. Letting go helped me make room for new thoughts, new emotions. I had to make so many changes...give myself permission and then do it.

Do I get lonesome, yes? I need the support and connection to people, to life. I need it to protect my spirit. I need it to feel whole. I learned a lot by getting quiet and going off-road. I have a new appreciation for my life, what I get to do...what I can do...just need to chat, talk, share..be a part of different online and 3-D communities that help me through...because being alone for long periods of time as some sort of modern day pioneer...can truly suck at times. I can only read, write, journal, watch movies, do art, listen to music and so on for so long. I need balance in all things.......hugs for your journey, for listening and just for you right now in this second, because you're all brave and amazing ----you have challenges and circumstances that make it so hard sometimes...hang in there, you're awesome!