Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Hello all ,just a quick albeit difficult question.....For all you divorcees,and almost divorce people,when did you know,and how did you tell your spouse you wanted a divorce??
My problem is I have been married for almost 18 yrs this coming july,with no children,1 dog and a house...........My husband has recently told me that we dont have to make a special occasion out of every anniversary,I was shocked to hear this........Most husbands would want to celebrate the day you married your partner for life,he does not...........So as not to toot my own horn,I pretty much do everything work 40-50 hrs a week,do all housework,make him breakfast every morning(when i could sleep another hr.)pay all the bills and run all the errands....His 1 job other than reg working is the yard,and i hear him moan 2 days before and 3 days after he does it,when it only takes him maybe an hour on a saturday every 2 weeks,so i guess my 3rd question is Am i being selfish??Years ago in the beginning we did everything together,now it seems he doesn't want to do anything with me ,and for that matter doesn't want me to do anything with my friends either,as he says he doesn't like them,and could be a bad influence on me, in short I am physically,emotionally and mentally tired.....Any advice is helpful as i really dont know which way to turn anymore......I apologize for the long post.
My problem is I have been married for almost 18 yrs this coming july,with no children,1 dog and a house...........My husband has recently told me that we dont have to make a special occasion out of every anniversary,I was shocked to hear this........Most husbands would want to celebrate the day you married your partner for life,he does not...........So as not to toot my own horn,I pretty much do everything work 40-50 hrs a week,do all housework,make him breakfast every morning(when i could sleep another hr.)pay all the bills and run all the errands....His 1 job other than reg working is the yard,and i hear him moan 2 days before and 3 days after he does it,when it only takes him maybe an hour on a saturday every 2 weeks,so i guess my 3rd question is Am i being selfish??Years ago in the beginning we did everything together,now it seems he doesn't want to do anything with me ,and for that matter doesn't want me to do anything with my friends either,as he says he doesn't like them,and could be a bad influence on me, in short I am physically,emotionally and mentally tired.....Any advice is helpful as i really dont know which way to turn anymore......I apologize for the long post.
As to our mothers, think about it -- women didn't have that many choices in life back in the 50's. If they didn't get married they could be nurses or teachers. So most of them got married and raised a family. Their own mothers had even less choices in life, so they did what they had learned.
This is all backlash of the sexual revolution, you know. It was a catalyst for CHANGE but the effects were a lot more far reaching than just burning your bra and demanding equal pay for equal work.
I'm glad to have been part of that revolution, but I am also able to see the "error" of my ways in emulating my mother.
So, for antares, she seems so tired and worn out taking care of her man and he is leaving her starved on all levels. She asks if she is being selfish?
Kathy, I would say, that if this is being selfish? BE selfish! Sometimes, being selfish is so needed and there is nothing wrong with it - as long as it doesn't destroy someone else? Be selfish.
I hope, antar, you will be. Nothing wrong with it.
(agree, Kathy?)
L~
Here, grab a glass of something and I'll tell you a bit of a story, antar. I was so like you. Did it all. Really did it all. When I found out my EX was cheating? I filed and moved out. Well, the poor guy was swamped. Swamped. Yard work. Laundry. Cleaning. All of it. He called me up and said, 'hey, this is hard.' I hung up. He called again a few days later, and says, 'if you are trying to make your point, that you do everything around here, you have made it. You can come back home now.' I hung up again. He called back in another few days and said, 'You invited the kids over for dinner and not me? Who is gonna cook for me? I haven't had a decent meal in weeks?! If you are trying to get me to understand how much you did around here, you have made your point...GEEZ!'
This time? I said, 'Dude, I am not making a point. I am divorcing you. I don't want to be your wife anymore. What you are doing now? It's on you forever. WE could have had a life together and you decided otherwise with your other woman. I am not coming back home.'
You see my point, antar?
As far as making his breakfast? Throw a poptart at the clown. That's it. Strawberrry is good.
This is NOT all there is.
Sending you support, L!
(Kathy, add away!!!!)
This would be good for standup comedy.
YOu could have told him sure come on over, I have a can of dog food for YOU to open, I would have.
I went to the ex's christmas party and took a dish & the X said, you don't cook anything like this for me. I said, you're never home!
I called him the Bourbon cowboy insead of the (movie) Urban cowboy!
Some amazing stuff! Man, there are some great guys out there, but some of them? Wow, will they EVER get a clue???
L~
Anyway, on this NOTE I get to tout one of my favorite self-help books once again! It's called "Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliott. At the end she makes a list of things that you should have learned by the time you finish reading it. I call them WORDS TO LIVE BY and I think they are most appropriate at this juncture:
"Keep the Good Things Working In Your Life" -
1. Always keep the focus on YOU.
2. You get what you put up with.
3. Does it hurt when you do that? Don't do that!
4. Reject the rejector (hear, hear Tobywin!)
5. Remember: It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.
6. Be good to YOURSELF.
7. Love is an action.
8. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Yahoo! the Cowgirl
Still hoping to meet Mr. Right whenever I have time to get out or have a girls night out, cuz it ain't happening at school in a classroom of 99% women.
She wrote: "Man, there are some great guys out there, but some of them? Wow, will they EVER get a clue??? "
Now let's be fair. Just as we imitated our mothers' behaviors, most certainly these men are imitating what they saw their fathers do all the time they were growing up. And as WE ALL KNOW, men are a lot more resistant to CHANGE than women are! Probably because they know that NOW they are going to have to start being more than just a thing to weight down the old recliner!
I feel that this is what I'm dealing with unless I get a man who has been single for a while and realizes that he needs to help run the household.
I agree with what you said.
I may get tougher with the next one, if he pulls this on me where he does nothing. I'll have to get my own kitchen & bathroom with a lock and key unless he agrees to pitch in then he gets the key & change the locks to the home unless he agrees to pitch in.!
I am voting antar needs some boundaries or something. She needs to say what she needs out of her man and then stick to it. Anyone else?
Great list, Kath. I believe you sent that list to me. It really is so dead ON.
Energy, I HOPE you are 'that tough' on the next one. Or, that tough FOR yourself. why not?
Gots to run...babysitting and son sitting...amazing night here...
L~
You wrote: "I feel that this is what I'm dealing with unless I get a man who has been single for a while and realizes that he needs to help run the household."
It's all a matter of PROPER TRAINING. And granted, such training can take YEARS, but if you really like the guy, he just might become your star student!
You also said, "I may get tougher with the next one, if he pulls this on me where he does nothing. I'll have to get my own kitchen & bathroom with a lock and key unless he agrees to pitch in then he gets the key & change the locks to the home unless he agrees to pitch in.! "
I would HOPE you would START OUT TOUGH on the "next one." You gotta let 'em know up front what's what and how you want it and that you will make NO EXCEPTIONS! Otherwise, why bother? This new life is all about setting limits and boundaries; speaking from your heart and being true to yourself. JUST DO IT!
First of all, I hope I don't get a student. That's why I want one that has been single for a long time, actually, those ones, I think, will pitch in.
Ya, and "just do it", I believe in
that also.
If I do get a student, I'll hand him a kitchen tool.
Thank u, Good words of advise.
As I have been crying from 6pm friday til 4pm today(sat),me and H had a BIG Blowout friday night where everything just came to a head for me,we were once again fighting about money,we have decided we put our paychecks together pay whatever bills that week and split the rest,hell(works for me),in the process of all this i told him this isnt working,I told him he has to start pulling his weight as in picking up his meds ,calling his drs and so on,I am physically,mentally and emotionally drained,I have had enough,I told him he needs to start acting like a husband not a roommate,and that he should seek help as he has many issues,and for him to get a lawyer as i will be doing on weds(my day off),,I told him if he wants to be a hermit fine,however I will not be one with him,I am 45 and i know there is more to life then home and work...........this is going to be a long road for me,but its 1 i feel i must take........please keep the advice coming ladies it is GREATLY appreciated...........
Now, what you need is all out on the table. VERY glad for you!
Keep us posted! L~