Life After Divorce Support Group
This community is dedicated to starting over after a divorce. With the marriage over, how do individuals begin a new chapter in their lives and what hurdles do they face? Divorce is often one of the most traumatic periods in a person's life. Studies show it is the second-most stressful event in life, after the death of a spouse.
Hello all ,just a quick albeit difficult question.....For all you divorcees,and almost divorce people,when did you know,and how did you tell your spouse you wanted a divorce??
My problem is I have been married for almost 18 yrs this coming july,with no children,1 dog and a house...........My husband has recently told me that we dont have to make a special occasion out of every anniversary,I was shocked to hear this........Most husbands would want to celebrate the day you married your partner for life,he does not...........So as not to toot my own horn,I pretty much do everything work 40-50 hrs a week,do all housework,make him breakfast every morning(when i could sleep another hr.)pay all the bills and run all the errands....His 1 job other than reg working is the yard,and i hear him moan 2 days before and 3 days after he does it,when it only takes him maybe an hour on a saturday every 2 weeks,so i guess my 3rd question is Am i being selfish??Years ago in the beginning we did everything together,now it seems he doesn't want to do anything with me ,and for that matter doesn't want me to do anything with my friends either,as he says he doesn't like them,and could be a bad influence on me, in short I am physically,emotionally and mentally tired.....Any advice is helpful as i really dont know which way to turn anymore......I apologize for the long post.
My problem is I have been married for almost 18 yrs this coming july,with no children,1 dog and a house...........My husband has recently told me that we dont have to make a special occasion out of every anniversary,I was shocked to hear this........Most husbands would want to celebrate the day you married your partner for life,he does not...........So as not to toot my own horn,I pretty much do everything work 40-50 hrs a week,do all housework,make him breakfast every morning(when i could sleep another hr.)pay all the bills and run all the errands....His 1 job other than reg working is the yard,and i hear him moan 2 days before and 3 days after he does it,when it only takes him maybe an hour on a saturday every 2 weeks,so i guess my 3rd question is Am i being selfish??Years ago in the beginning we did everything together,now it seems he doesn't want to do anything with me ,and for that matter doesn't want me to do anything with my friends either,as he says he doesn't like them,and could be a bad influence on me, in short I am physically,emotionally and mentally tired.....Any advice is helpful as i really dont know which way to turn anymore......I apologize for the long post.
You wrote "...Most husbands would want to celebrate the day you married your partner for life,he does not..."
I'm not sure I totally agree with that statement. BOTH partners should WANT to make some special plans for that anniversary and have fun in the planning AND in the actual doing. But that's not always the case.
In 25 years of marriage, my X never ONCE did the one thing I had told him many times would be the ultimate, special event -- make reservations and do the planning and then just tell me how I should dress (fancy or casual) and what time we would have to leave the house. Not ONCE.
I don't remember what anniversary it was, but one year, he went to the baseball stadium with his buddies and I stayed home and painted the bathroom.
Another year, he was in Myrtle Beach playing golf with his buddies and I was holding down the fort here at home.
Another year, we DID go out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner, but between the appetizer and entree, he looked at my hands and made a very hurtful remark about them -- it was springtime and I had been working in my perennial gardens for DAYS. Even though I always wear gloves, that mulch and dirt has a way of seeping in the seams and staining the skin! I was so hurt by his remark, it was all I could do NOT to slap him across the face and walk out of the restaurant.
Looking back, these were ALL SIGNS that I had been the only one in the marriage for a very long time. Yet several more years went by before the bitter end.
I hear what you are saying and in fact you pretty much hit it on the mark,that being said tho doesn't make it any easier in the decision to leave which according to my sister should have been yrs ago....He is what i call the Jekyll and Hyde Negative man....one day he is sweet...4 days he is mean whether it be what he says to me ,or the fact that he ignores me or moans when i ask him to do something for me,all this week I have asked him to put in the screen door,he has yet to do it,its a little thing i know ,but still,the pot is beginning to boil sorta speak on my end,he however doesn't see the pot at all,he really thinks there is nothing wrong.....I am not big on confrontation at all,but my irish is starting to kick in to where I start not listening anymore to him.........I take it day by day which is all i can do now,as work is changing hands and i cant afford to lose my job,I have to start taking care of me first and work from there....thanks so much for the input it is appreciated to get other peoples opinions.
There is no good time or no good way to "break the news" that one or the other has decided they want out of the marriage, especially when there has been no real communication about the ongoing issues.
I would suggest that you two get some alone time real soon; pick a nice place like a park or even a restaurant that has quiet, sort of private seating. Then tell him how you are feeling in as quiet and loving way as you can. Someone told me that if you can present your feelings in a loving way, they are often received in a much more receptive manner. Keep your statements coming from the "I" instead of the accusing "you" -- this might take some practice beforehand. And remember, if your H is as self-absorbed as you make him sound, this might all come as quite a shock to him. That's why I suggest talking in a public place -- it's more difficult for someone to get this kind of news and make a scene in a public place.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Whatever it is in the world you WANT, you will get. Period.
Would you expect to be positive in any manner when someone calls you something that's anything but positive? Kind of like if you've not seen someone for a while and they say, "damn, you've lost some hair, or wow, you gained some weight." Is it because it's true? Sure, but, what does that do to your self esteem as well as theirs? It props them up to make them feel better about themselves because you've been made to feel worse. See the pattern there?
It sounds as though you both have been co-dependent on one another. And, that you're compensating on the 'surface' by thinking to back away from the marriage with no casualties.. Well, the fall out of a divorce is always beyond just the couple. For starters, whenever we want somethign changed, we need to change it ourselves. First, why should he do anything when it appears you do everything? Start perhaps by not washing his clothes, making his breakfast, etc. Or, you'll start doing something for him nice when he does for you? Or, you can say, "honey, I do all these nice things for you, it upsets me because I feel this is one sided." When he sees that his maid or mom isn't there anymore, maybe he can change his tune and also, you should change yours too by either not complaining about doing the things you're doing, or stop doing them... The grass isn't greener for anyone, and, if you don't fix the problem at hand, it'll be very easy to run into the same problem in another relationship. Usually when there's something going on with another person, it could be how they're reflected to the other person. As far as anniversaries are concerned, most guys do react differently than women. Instead of complaining about his lack of not wanting to do something, perhaps tell him that it's important to you to do x, y, & z. Women (not all, but some), spend a lifetime trying to get a man to guess what it is that she wants and gets mad when he doesn't get what it is that she wants. I'm just saying. Like how many times has he said, "honey, what would you like me to grill on the bbq tonight, and you said, whatever, or didn't care, and then he made bratwurst because he liked them or Italian sausage, and it upset you so you didn't eat?
Too many many times there's complaints and then someone bails instead of dealing with the issues, then they're ten times as miserable as they were before the problem caused them to leave...
I've seen that way too many times when a person doesn't see value in someone else due to their own selfish tendencies, then, they're staring at themselves in the mirror with a new partner and exactly the same issues they've had.
Has there been any resentment or concern with regard to there not being any children? What are the reasons there's finance problems if you've been married 18 years? Was there an income gap and the spending didn't stop? Is someone spending beyond they're earnings and complaining there's not enough $, etc.? when we go to counseling, there's always a finger pointed instead of one turned inward and a face stared into a mirror to ask what it is that you bring to the party. Good and bad. Write these out, talk seriously to your partner and tell him that you've concerns that if you don't deal with it, that you'll end up seperated. If that doesn't solve the problem, then, you might have your answers of where to go.
Realize that no problem is insurmountable unless there's abuse, substance issues like drugs alcohol, etc. If your husband won't go to counseling, go get your own on how to exit the marriage without any serious damage to either of you emotionally. We know it's easier said than done to walk away.
Thank you for the input,its appreciated.
What kind of a person gets married just DOES EVERYTHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THOSE KIND OF WOMEN!
AS A WOMAN, you, should understand about running a household. Things have to be done. For instance, is this what I should have done:
Let the bills go unpaid, rent, utility bills, car pmt, insurance?
How was (I) going to eat? It's not easy cooking for just 1. I make food to take to work (30 minute lunch)or to just re-heat the next day. I did not eat out. I kept myself thin, and didn't eat junk food, no fast food either. So no cooking, what is your suggestion to this??
The garbage. Should I have just left it and never taken it out?
cleaning. Let the bathroom go, the kitchen, no vacuuming, no picking up? Just let the place go so when people came over, it would look like a pig sty?
The vehicles. Let that go too. No maintenance? No oil changes, no tune-ups, not service the transmission?
Groceries. Let that go too. No food in the kitchen?
I no longer did HIS laundry. I told him if he had time to spend at the bar and go out for "light conversations with his buddies" he can do his own laundry! So that takes care of His laundry!
I did mine, I bought laundry soap so there was enough for both of us or should I have resorted to buying the tiny box out of the machines in the laundry room?
Now, this is what it takes to run a household, so what do you advise or how do YOU run a household with somebody that WON'T do anything?
Now, married or single, these are things that need to be done. There is just more to be done in a marriage.
Sorry for hitting was is apparently a raw nerve for you!
While I am in full agreement that all of these things must be done in order to run a household, if you are SINGLE you only have to do those things for YOURSELF. That's at least 50% less effort! When you took your marriage vows, did you also sign on to be 100% responsible for ALL OF THAT STUFF? I sure didn't. Especially since we both held full-time jobs with long commutes. When my X started to slack off on his share of the responsibilities (when his career took off and he left my salary level in the dust) it seemed as if I suddenly lost my rank as "equal partner in the marriage" and became a second-class citizen!
At first, I just kept my mouth shut and somehow thought he was justified in shirking so many things over to my responsibility, but when I closed my small business in 2002 (at his insistence) it got much worse -- in fact, that's when the emotional abuse started.
Nevermind the fact that we had always agreed that we would share the responsibilities of running the household and this little farm regardless of whatever was going on in our lives.
The point I was trying to make in my original response to you was that unless you signed on to do all this stuff by yourself when you got married, you shouldn't have to do them all! And if you have tried to discuss this issue with your husband and he blows you off, well then you have a CHOICE. Let things stand as they are and keep your mouth shut or LEAVE.
This is supposed to be the age of EQUAL RIGHTS FOR WOMEN and the last time I checked, sharing household responsibilities was pretty close to being added to the traditional marriage vows.
My Dad used to say "If you wake up one day and find yourself in a pile of crap -- it may not be your fault that you got there -- BUT IT IS YOUR FAULT if you stay there!"
What kind of a person gets married and just lets the other one do EVERYTHING! I JUST DON'T UNDER-STAND THOSE KIND OF MEN!"
I have to turn your question back onto YOU:
What kind of a person gets married just DOES EVERYTHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THOSE KIND OF WOMEN!
==============================
Well, I do.
Things MUST get done or you get pink notices, you get evicted, you get fat eating out, get fined for not having car insurance, the vehicle leaves you in the middle of the road, the home smells cuz nobody's taken the garbage out, the lights go out, no electricity, and the vehicle gets repossesed, back to the bank, the home smells cuz nobodies cleaned it.
WE, don't expect this is going to happen BUT Things must get done and SOMEBODY is stuck doing it ALL AND it usually is the woman.
I've never heard that a man does it all & a woman just comes home and does nothing. Most likely, the woman does it all.
I agree with what your father said too.
Kathy, love what your dad said! I mean LOVE IT!!!!
Dang it, I did that kind of marriage. I did it all. All of it. I was under the impression that this was part of being married. Taking care of your famiily. Taking care of your man.
Man, was I a dumb ass. I mean that. A real dumb ass.
I have resolved, since my divorce, that I will never be in that kind of relationship again. 'I'll do it all, honey.' I just won't. Never again. It's not realistic anymore. It didn't make me happy. I felt like his slave and not his partner in life.
Dating a great guy now. We do stuff together. Kathy knows how great this is. To accomplish stuff together. To do for eachother. It's healthy. It's balanced. I love it.
Right Kath?
(raising hand here as the dumb woman who did that in her marriage!) But never again!
What, do you think we were all following our mother's lead and role model and NOT ourselves? Could that be?
What a great discussion!
L~
Thank you, my dear, for affirming my position here! Yes, I absolutely agree that we were playacting the roles we saw our mothers in. Do it all. Suffer in silence. Don't rock the boat. The man's home is his castle and we are his slave....yadayadaya...
This new relationship that I am in is so totally different! Tom insists that we share the work around here -- and not just housework, either. He didn't know squat about taking care of horses before he met me, and he really enjoys doing it. Even the picking up poop part -- a wheelbarrow a day!
We really like going to the grocery store together and I sure appreciate not having to guess what he might enjoy eating! My entire married life I would ask for input -- get none -- and then the complaints would fly "I'm so tired of this. Can't you think of something different to make?" What a fool I was! But
Thank God and my therapist for showing me how to set boundaries and reasonable limits!
This IS a whole new, happier, more peaceful and healthy life than the one I had been living.
Yeah, right...there was no way we were going to do THAT forever, hmmm?
I have no idea why our mother's did not feel squelched or limited in that role. Sometimes, that is what makes me scratch my head. I suppose they really believed that they were doing the right thing. They took a lot of deep breaths and resigned themselves.
Either that, or we are wayyyy to vocal? LOL
(glad to see you around? Did you have your surgery yet? sending support!)
Me? I can't believe you mentioned the grocery shopping with your man. I think we laugh so hard in those aisles! Would not trade that for anything! Don't you learn much about a man when he is shopping???
Boundaries? From you, I have really learned to REALLY have enforced boundaries. They are not just WORDS now. Thanks for that!
L~
L~