Don't apologize for the long post. You can do as little or as much venting as you want here!
I knew I wanted a divorce probably 5-10 years after I got married. I had small children by then and had to weigh my options until I just could not stand to be with him any more. THe final blow was his behavior at a wedding we attended for one of my co-workers. At the point that the garter was thrown it landed on our table and a couple of the guys dove for it and slid in front of us across the table. I thought their enthusiasm was great and it was quite a dramatic scene. In short I was delighted when it happened. He immediately launched into a tirade about the guys, the two families and the entire evening being all about a bunch of drunks and yada yada yada. I was so appalled that I stood up and walked out. It was the proverbial last straw but it had been building over the years, with incessant interference by his parents in our lives, in raising our children, in our finances, everything. He was verbally abusive and threatening physically so that was that. I had begun the process by inquiring into subsidized apartments for single mothers and had cashed in some savings bonds that had matured from when my mother bought them in my name when I was a child. So I had laid the groundwork and told him I was leaving with the children a few days later.
I can tell you've given this a lot of thought and have concluded as I did that he contributes nothing to the relationship and you can live just as well if not better without him. Sounds like you do everything already, except for the 1 or two hours of yard work. You can definitely get along without him. THe statement about not making a big deal of your anniversary says a lot as well, it means little to him so therefore it's not important, he never thought that maybe it was to you. That's being selfish, you are not, but maybe it's time you did start thinking of yourself instead. Keep up those friendships as they'll be the basis of your new life.

Thanks laleetha for the advice,as I am taking every bit of advice both from DS and my friends very seriously............I know no marriage is perfect,but all he does is moan and complain about work,finances,his family,my family pretty much to the point where i have started calling him Neg(negative) Man....I know i can make it on my own,its just to start the ball in motion is hard,I am just tired-actually drained from this ...... however i have been checking into lawyers and apartments as well,my hope is that its a quick divorce,but somehow i think with his attitude it will be very bitter....Trying to stay strong here...thanks again.

Sometimes becoming a negative black cloud that requires a lot of care and contributes little is a gradual process of many years, (and may be a symptom of underlying depression.) He may not be aware of how his attitudes and behavior are affecting you. Try starting a gentle dialogue with him about the balance of work around the house and how you are feeling about it, recognizing that he isn't enjoying his share either. Let him know that you miss doing things with him, and ask him how you can work together to rebuild a better life, because the way things are isn't working for you. He doesn't seem to be happy either, so he might really appreciate the open, honest conversation about making some changes. Then again, he might not, in which case you can proceed as planned!

your marriage has stagnated and you are both equally to blame.

go get couples counseling. they can help you redefine your relationship and make it a really good one.

After 20 years of marriage and three kids together, and his cheating, I told him, 'I don't want to be your wife anymore.'

Yes, it takes two to fail. When you take a good honest look at your relationship and ask yourself, 'do I want another 20 like this???' And the answer pops into your head like a lightning bolt??? You know what you gotta do.

Sending support, L~

to faithful ,we have tried the couples counseling,when i was open and honest,all he kept saying was he isnt doing anything wrong...
To Lstecker,yes i keep asking that same question almost everyday now,answer is the same,now to tell him.

I was married 6 yrs, no children, I felt married to myself.

He did nothing. I did all the cooking, cleaning, errands, paying bills -- he couldn't even take the garbage out. And -- no -- he didn't want to celebrate anything but his birthday and at best it was just a card cuz he didn't want to go anywhere or do anything during the marriage!

He also, did not want me to keep my friends, he said, "your're too wild around them". I enjoyed myself with them. I never asked or demanded that he abandon his friends! In fact, he spent more time with his friends at the local "Do Drop Inn"
than he did with me!

I got tired of having no life -- with him. I did things and went to events with my sister and family.

He did not show me who he REALLY was during the dating phase -- turned out he was just a ole man in a young man's body!!

WE had opposite work schedules and we both worked full time so all of this + not contributing to chorz -- made me very angry. I felt I no longer had a partner, a husband, or a friend. We had bills and just became roommates.

I too, planned the divorce but made sure to get some bills paid down before I gave him the pink slip.

He went straight to the bar right after work on Christmas Eve, his employer let them out early so this is how he spent HIS holiday time. So when he came in -- I told him, CONSIDER YOURSELF DIVORCED AND DON'T EVER TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN!

By this time I couldn't take it anymore bcause this is not what I signed up for as far as a marriage partner. He became very withdrawn AND the real person came out as soon as we signed the marriage certificate!!

I kept thinking it was me cuz he would always tell me, "you wear your feelings on your shoulder" I kept thinking this doesn't FEEL right.

My final answer to me to make my decision was: I am tired of being unhappy, I WANT to be happy again. I lived a life in anger every time he would call to TELL me was going to the Do Drop Inn & told myself, well here I am alone again!

I told him, I don't care who's fault this is, I am not happy & I want out of this.

I now have control of being happy and I am now. I tell myself at the begginning of each day, today is going to be a good day, and you know what -- he's no longer here to mess it up, yaye.

Weeks before leaving, I told him, find a marriage counselor, make the appointment, and tell me when to be there. He never did this so this proved to me he didn't have energy to make this a marriage -- to me it never was a marriage -- we were just roommates!!

I made a decision for me -- something I needed at that time.
It took me 3 yrs to finally leave him.

There will come a time that you will not be able to take it anymore and just need to erase him from your life.

For me, I never understood how a man doesn't feel like contributing to the marriage in any way. What kind of a person gets married and just lets the other one do EVERYTHING! I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THOSE KIND OF MEN!

There was no other women either -- as it was he couldn't even contribute to the marriage.

This bar thing started when I worked nites and he didn't like waiting for me, hmm!!

I am simply and totally taken aback energylost,are you sure you weren't married to my husband....haha,cuz if your description minus the drinking think doesn't sound like my husband then i don't know what does.....He is a clinical depressive and a diabetic....and you are ever so right when you say your just roommates with bills,cuz thats exactly how i feel....wow and here i thought i was alone in this thanks so much for sharing energylost it is so much appreciated .

Ya, Antaresmom, I thought you married him too, ahahah.

Tall, Irishman, smokes like a train with a quick sarcastic mouth -- seen him around! ahahah

No energylost the only 1 I have seen is polish and doesn't smoke or drink....hahaha

When he came home I was gone. LOL

Robin, I did too. I left while he was at work, yaye

To Robin and Energy,quick question for both of you,when you left when they were at work did you feel guilty? Scared? or just mad?....The reason I ask is because you hear so many horror stories about STBXs actually chasing the wife down and harming her,altho i dont believe mine would do that,you just don't know,its early yet with not enough coffee LOL,but i thought i would ask anyways.

To energylost: You wrote "...What kind of a person gets married and just lets the other one do EVERYTHING! I JUST DON'T UNDER-STAND THOSE KIND OF MEN!"

In retrospect, after a 30 year relationship (25 years of them married) I have to turn your question back onto YOU:

What kind of a person gets married just DOES EVERYTHING? I DON'T UNDERSTAND THOSE KIND OF WOMEN!

Hindsight being the wonderful tool that it is, it took a protracted and painful divorce for me to discover that I WAS ONE OF THOSE WOMEN for a very long time! At least up until 2002 -- when I finally got sick of having all the responsibility put onto ME; being made to feel guilty when I wanted to do something for ME instead of catering to his every whim. In fact, I had become his ENABLER by NOT making him step up to the plate in terms of the overall health of our relationship!
Then, when I finally stood up, it was most certainly, the beginning of the end.
During the 18 Months of Hell it took to divorce him, I went into therapy. I learned a whole lot about myself and my marriage, but the thing that made the biggest impact was realizing that I HAD BEEN THE ONLY ONE IN THE MARRIAGE FOR A VERY LONG TIME!
Now, nearly 5 years after the Day of Devastation, I can honestly say that I wish I had come to my senses a decade earlier!