Bashing Bisexual woman is no better than Gay bashing :(

i

I don't feel bashed, just misunderstood and sometimes (not here) marginalized.

I have a question. If someone is bisexual (and I do believe that is real) doesn't it mean that they can fall in love with either sex? Now, if they want to form a lasting relationship with the person they fall in love with, aren't they then practically either straight or homosexual, depending on their lover's sex? So why bring up your sexuality? I mean, what am I suppose to do with that information? If someone tells me they are straight, I know what to do with that. But bi? Why tell me that? If not to tell me I better be prepared to share you or eventually lose you. It seems to me, someone who is actively Bi is really polyamorous, or maybe serially monogamous (which really means a serial cheater). Be interested in a discussion on this.

Charlize - I would tell the person I'm dating that I'm bi because I want to be honest with them. Bi describes my history. I have been in long term relationships with women as well as men (and not at the same time).

While I'm dating a woman, I'm functionally a lesbian. While I'm dating a man, I'm functionally straight. I'm not preparing them for me to cheat or leave them. If I want to form a true relationship, it has to be built on honesty and trust. Lying about my orientation would be a bad way to start.

If someone is going to be uncomfortable with my orientation, I'd rather know before things get serious and we're both hurt. Some people will make bigoted assumptions and I'd prefer not to date a bigot and I'm sure a bigot would prefer not to date someone who is bi.

For some bi people, they may be in a committed monogamous relationship or a polyamory situation - just as a straight or gay person might be. Some bi people may sleep around or cheat. Just like some gay or straight people may sleep around or cheat.

As a bi person, I don't need to be in a relationship with both a man and a woman at the same time although a poly situation is not something out of the question for a lot of bi people. Some would prefer a committed, closed poly situation where others may be more open - again, just as their straight or gay counterparts.

As a lesbian, you may be attracted to more than one person but it doesn't mean you're going to cheat. Same with me. I can find more than one person attractive and yet be monogamous.

I am confused about the idea of how being serially monogamous is cheating? I see cheating as hiding being with another person while committed to a partner.

As most others, I have been in several fairly short relationships in which I didn't date anyone else as well as very long term committed relationships (with both men and women) that were monogamous. I guess I don't see that as cheating.

I think what bigots generally miss when they stereotype - whether it's about sexual orientation, race, gender, age, etc. is that it's never about the label, it's about the character.

I'm truly bi, and truly polyamorous, and won't lie.

Right now I'm effectively a lesbian (if you ignore my gender weirdness), though, because the guy I'm in love with, have been in love with since 2011, is on the other side of a bleepin' ocean.

My lovely lady is much handier, thankfully. :)
They both know about each other and are both very dear to me.

...And while I'm poly and DO find myself attracted to a certain third person, quite strongly...there's a matter of "Do I have the emotional energy, time, and care to devote to a third amour?"

I'm pretty sure the answer is that I can't do right by the third party while involved with the other two.
Logistics kind of limits things.

Anyway, will take my poly genderqueer self elsewhere now...

Reed31...i'm not a bigot. et tu?

I'm not calling anyone a bigot. To me, a bigot is someone who judges an individuals' character by their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.

Charlize can you explain the comment about how someone who has a series of monogamous relationships is a serial cheater? I didn't understand.

Had an interesting discussion about this with a couple of friends and both the straight man and lesbian I spoke with said that if they dated someone bi, broke up and months later she began dating a man (in the case of the lesbian) or a woman (in the case of the straight man) that they would feel she left them to explore the other side.

For me, when a relationship ends, it ends. I'm not thinking about my next relationship - just that this one is done for whatever reason. It's run it's course and we'd be happier apart than together. Who I date next depends on who I connect with - not their gender. And actually, not their race, age, religion, etc. either to be honest.

Reed. Perhaps we have different definitions of cheating. My view is: If someone begins to explore a new relationship before ending an old relationship, then they have cheated, even though they have not had sex with the new love before they end the old relationship. Of course this has nothing to do with sexuality.

But getting back to your original post, I absolutely believe people can be bisexual. It explains a lot of life choices. I have explored the topic and come to think that while I am able to accept bisexuality as a concept, I can not truly understand what it is to be bisexual. I do know there are lesbians who are highly opinionated on this, in a negative way, which seems really odd to me, given our asking for acceptance from the straight community.

Lesbians fear bisexuals for a couple of reasons, but the big one comes from the very definition: the ability to love either sex. It just follows, since lesbians are drawn to women and feel incomplete without female companionship, that a bisexual would feel incomplete without male and female companionship (not necessarily at the same time). To the argument put forward by bisexuals that this is false, lesbians reply, uh huh.

So while honesty is important in a relationship, that pales in comparison to trust. This gets back to my point, you maybe bisexual when we meet, but if we form a relationship, it better be a thing your were going through. That is, I need to be convinced that you are going to be satisfied with the lesbian side of your bisexuality, now and in the future. (And, if you can be, then are you truly bisexual?) As long as I have any doubt about that, as long as you keep insisting you're bisexual, how can I have complete trust in the relationship?

If I completely accept your bisexuality, the bisexuality is a hurdle that I think is impossible for a lot of lesbians to get over, me included. We simply don't want to take the risk that your bisexuality was a phase for you, which it practically has to be, in living your day-to-day lives together, if the relationship is going to last.

As to your former lover, some people just have to be in a relationship I guess. Like you, though, I find it confusing as well.

I am going to add my two cents for whatever its worth.. i have to say i think there is a great lack of understanding and assumptions out there on what it is to be bi...i'm not sure anyone can "accept it" in any way if they don't understand it. none of us can truly understand how another person or group of people feel if we haven't been there ourselves. these opinions are not singular.. there are a lot of lesbians that feel the same way but it is not based on fact, it is mostly based on some random experience or one you heard about...or just the lack of being able to relate to it in any way or to understand how wrong the stereotype that has been put out there as to who bisexuals are.

i do understand the point about the fear of someone not being faithful in a relationship but you only need to look as far as the individual themselves not the label, because there will be plenty who identify the way you do and will hurt you just as bad if not worse by their infidelity or the need to always find someone different.

i said this before and it bears repeating....i told my partner when we first started having feelings for each other that i was bi.. it is who i was, and who i understood myself to be...i was not ashamed, or preparing her for some indecision that may come up in the future i told her because that is who i was and she should know that. and also for me, because of the judgement i knew existed in some people in what they have against being bi.. because if she had any she would have walked away from that and i would have saved myself a lot of time and heartache...thankfully she didn't... because if she did we would have missed out on the best relationship of our lives and one that only involves each other.

it's not about being confused, or that it is "going through something"..and neither is it about being incomplete without having both at the same time... as with any identity there are always grey areas.. always people in transition and learning to accept (or not to) their identity. assuming a whole group of people are just confused or never will feel complete with one or the other is a very wrong assumption.

core trust in a relationship comes from between two individuals not based on a label.

What a great discussion! I appreciate everyone sharing to help me better understand the thoughts behind some of the situations I'm finding.

I would agree that if you are looking around for another partner while you are in a monogamous relationship it's cheating.

In terms of feeling completed by another person, I have a hard time understanding that. I feel complete on my own and don't feel "more complete" in a relationship or "less complete" when I'm not in a relationship.

Perhaps it's because of that that when I have a relationship in my life it feels like a luxury and I can be with either a woman or a man without feeling something is missing. That said, I wouldn't rule out a poly relationship either. I saw a lot of them growing up so I don't see them as outside the norm.

As for saying "I'm with a woman so I'm a lesbian now" I wouldn't feel comfortable saying that. Some relationships last a lifetime but often they don't. And I imagine it would be incredibly painful for my ex to find I'm bi because of who I'm dating after we've separated.
And if I care for someone, I don't stop just because we're no longer together. I don't want to hurt them. So I would be honest from the start.

But I do see what you're saying as well - there is a general misunderstanding that bi means a need to be with both genders at once. Really it means (to me) being attracted to both genders.

Yes, agreed, this is becoming very interesting discussion, though Reed, you seem to misunderstand me again. Okay, complete doesn't work for you. Let's try "a strong desire to be with." Although for me, I will need to have someone else to love, who loves me back to believe my life was complete, or fulfilled, lived to the fullest.

As I have said, I have looked into bisexuality and can accept it as a concept, though I can not understand what it is to be bisexual. I became aware of this over at AfterEllen's on another discussion like this one, that became fascinating until the camps broke into squabbling name calling. Anyway, there this idea was put forth by a bisexual. She said, I form sexual relationships with women, but emotional relationships with men. And so many bisexuals were yes yes yes. And I was going, huh? It was at that moment I realized I couldn't understand that form of bisexuality. Which brings up a whole other thing, being bisexual seems to mean so many different things, how it is expressed. Maybe we could explore that?

I see what you're saying. I just know a lot of people that feel incomplete without a romantic attachment often leading them to that serial cheating thing - when they are unsatisfied with one relationship they start looking for another while still with someone.

I think what we want in relationships is so different from person to person. People can feel more emotionally connected with men or women, may want to flirt more with men or women, be more attracted, enjoy sex more, fantasize about one sex over another - or any combination of that.

Even if someone is exclusively straight or gay, there are preferences.

It gets pretty complicated. I think the big thing is understanding and getting past judging what people are doing in the bedroom.

The best definition of sexuality I've found is one in which you consider who you are most attracted to, who you fantasize about, who you are with romantically. It provides some insights into orientation.

Thank you for asking this question. I'm having the same battle with my girlfriend. All your comments are a lot of help. Thank you reeds31 I hope you find your answers.

I think I have found some answers. I think the surprise has been how difficult bisexuality is for people (outside of the experience) to understand.

I think I'm polysexual - just really didn't realize there was a name for it. I've dated trans people and intersex people as well. I guess I'm just attracted to the person.