People hide a lot of things online someone can seem so admirable and mature at first but totally lose their shit when under pressure and you see the ugliness and pettiness that lies beneath. Thats truth. I think its much easier to gauge the measure of a person when you have face-to-face contact and see how they operate in real life. If someone can create decent friendships online but has consistent issues with the people around them, says a lot about who they are and where they are headed.

I dont think anyone was saying an online relationship isnt a relationship it just hasnt transitioned over to flesh and blood reality yet. If you've ever watched the show Catfish, you've seen how quickly these relationships can crumble when reality doesn't match up with fantasy.

I'd also point out that the OP said that this is "somebody that I recently got together with." They haven't known each other that long so the relationship hasn't passed the time test either.

I agree with lisalisa - A cyber "affair" is only real because of the betrayal of the established relationship - NOT the development of the cyber "relationship."

Mastermole - To answer your question is to answer the question: what's more powerful - nature or nurture? Both play a role in personal moral development.

And I also caution you on becoming too "attached" to someone you've yet to meet in person.

At the risk of being picky, Deli did say "This is not a real situation, so there's nothing lost OR gained in this."

And Blind said "it doesn't qualify as a real relationship".

And Jaded said "you can't be exclusive with someone who you haven't even met", a variation on the theme but still a dismissal of the poster's reality.

There are people on this site who know me (or, at least, have had the opportunity to observe me) more openly than many people in my real life....members of my extended family who do not know (or need to know) the story of these past few years of my life....people with whom I have far less intimate friendships than I have with some people here.

Yes, it is possible to hide behind the anonymity of cyber space. It is also possible to be wide open.

I'm sure she does have a distorted view of reality. Did you ever hear the saying, "What you see is what you get"? She can't use this excuse her entire life. It's on her now. I had a horrible home life with similar parenting. I went the opposite direction and found cheating to be disgusting. She can change if she really wants to. Do you want to hang around to find out? Also remember that there is usually more than one skeleton in the closet!

Wow, this got deep and convoluted...

I think whether it's on screen or in the flesh, it's about intent.

However, I'd be a hell of a lot more pissed off if my husband had a flesh affair vs a screen one.

But it's kind of splitting hairs, though, isn't it. Like arguing the difference between a hooker and a happy ending.

Ick.

I think online relationships are real. The problem is, you don' t know who you're in a relationship with. True, that happens in real life relationships too. However, it is much easier to hide who you are online. At least in person you know what they really look like. Online, you never know if that's a picture of them or a random photo from a magazine. Could even be a cop for all you know.

I think because of that, it is hard to imagine anyone having a real, serious, exclusive relationship before ever meeting them in person. That's like calling up a newspaper ad and buying a used car over the phone with a PayPal transaction, never having seen the car or test driven it.

A person can do that if they want, but they stand a high chance of being taken for a ride (pun intended). Same here. The relationship can certainly feel real, and I suppose a person can decide to go exclusive with an online relationship if they want to, but you really don't know what you've got. Its like getting the cart before the horse.

To put it in a BS way of thinking, you're sinking a lot of trust into someone you may think you know, but all too easily don't. I know one person who frequents these boards recently who did just that. Thought she'd met the love of her life online, only to discover within weeks that all he wanted was for her to send him money.

I sincerely hope something like that isn't in the cards here. I hope she is being honest and open with him. Maybe when they meet, he'll either feel a confirmation one way or the other. But why go exclusive until then?

That said, the emotions he is experiencing are real for him and shouldn't be dismissed. He felt they had an exclusive relationship, only to discover they don't. Certainly much easier to back out at this point, but the pain is the same.

My advice is to meet her and find out more of who she is. Seeing body language can give a better sense of whether she is being honest and open with you, then go from there. But the answer to the question is, it depends. She may be more prone to cheating if her experiences affected her that way. It doesn't everyone. Nor does having good experiences mean a person won't cheat.

In our situation, it went both ways. Both my wife and I had mothers who cheated. I didn't cheat. She did. Maybe there is some connection to the fact that her mother cheated and so she was influenced by that, who knows. What matters is who she is now. Find out that, and make your decisions to go deeper into this relationship based on that.

leave.

'Yes, it is possible to hide behind the anonymity of cyber space. It is also possible to be wide open.'

Exactly, L~ "

:) @ L~ That's the best part for me here, the absolute lack of any need for pretense. When that extends to opening windows into each others lives, through Facebook or by other means, you are as real to me as anyone I've met face to face.

Cole, I get what you're saying about exclusivity being a less than prudent choice given the circumstances. I wish that the foolishness of a choice could somehow make it less real. Oh, how I wish. If that were the case, I and many others would not be here talking about this.

I'm starting to think that the "exclusivity" clause should be as a last resort in a relationship...

Right....I hear ya...and I totally agree. That friendship can become as real as if we had met face to face.

...and if you were to be all shady, well, a person's reaction would be pretty 'real,' too. Not necessarily what you might like, but shady is shady.

Fiber, so glad you see my point.

(my tomato plant died already...what's up with that?)

L~

Right on, L. We get as good as we give.

I'll bet we can save your tomato....

'give as good as you get.' That is one of the most fair statements regarding all of this. Thanks so much, Fiber.

...my tomato plant? May survive? Do tell!

Oh well. It's really very simple. Sorry for the high jack, Master.

L~