I am sorry you are feeling attacked here, it is not meant that way, we, like your "girlfriend" are "online" strangers, reacting to what you have written, and it is in our "online" opinion there are some things that you seem naively unaware of, and in all of our "infinite" wisdom are willing to take the risk of your well being to say the things we say. It would be better to get out into the "real" world and leave the hyperspace of the internet as just that, a hyperspace, not "real" if you will for the purpose of relationship, friendly chatter maybe, open conversation/venting place that for all essential purposes "safe", you don't know us and we don't know you, just like the person you have been communicating with may be a what they call "catfish", someone posing as one thing but is entirely another, there have been many cases of people getting duped emotionally and financially, and professionally by these type people and I for one would not like to see you or anyone for that matter be "taken" by such a person, be very cautious, safety first....we all want to be loved and be in loved, some here have been betrayed because we opened ourselves and our hearts to some that have then broken them, and it hurts...some here have broken the hearts of people that they now realize meant the world to them, and now suffer the consequence of that betrayal. I wish you well, find a real person, take the risk, be fair and open and honest and pray that the person you choose does the same, and that they are true to what they say, it is all a gamble and sometimes you lose, but sometimes you win and that is the goal, a happy fulfilled life with purpose and love, God Bless

A con is a con. If someone wants to pull the wool over your eyes they don't need to hide behind the internet to do it. I have been conned by pros in real life, just as many BS here were conned by their CS. I could tell you to be cautious in the early stages of any relationship, but I assume you are intelligent and capable of choosing your own best path.

I don't advocate writing a person off just because they are 'damaged goods'. Like you, I have been given a chance and made good on that; this woman you are involved with might do the same.

I think it's important to differentiate between explaining and excusing a person's behavior. Excuses allow the behavior to continue. Explanations have the potential to bring the kind of understanding that can modify behavior. If she is engaged with you in finding the source of her issues , willing to risk the kind of intact required to investigate this with you then it might be worth the investment of your time.

You might keep some emotional distance (and the physical distance) while you are helping her to dig through this, much like a counselor would not get romantically involved with a client. You can always rekindle the romance later when you are both more sure that her issues are resolved.

*intimacy*, not intact.

I read through all the answers and it seemed like everyone was answering your question of "what kind of effect this would have on somebody and would it be a good explanation as to why a person would have no respect for trust and also cheat? "

Yes - it would definitely affect her and could cause her to have issues with trust and fidelity for a long time. She's choosing to go down the same path as her parents instead of using it as an example of what not to do, so there's a lot of work to be done there.

Assuming that no normal person would want to bring this kind of chaos and pain into their lives, the advice was to cut ties and walk away.

I'm not doubting the possibility of getting emotionally attached to whatever it is you have going on with this person online. But until you actually meet in the flesh, what you have is just something in theory- a potential situation.

I did say that yes, a bad background would contribute to poor choices in a relationship, but that's not what you have.

I didn't mean to be cold- but if that's what it takes for you to come back to reality, then I'm glad I did it.

Playing devil's advocate for just a moment, here....

If a relationship isn't real until people have met in person, then a cyber affair isn't really cheating, is it?

Just wanting to point this out and question why one is more real than the other?

Affairs don't have much to do with reality, do they?

Good point. Infidelity is about keeping secrets and putting emotional energy into a relationship outside the marriage. It doesn't really matter if its "real" or not. It's about the damage that's done and the trust that's lost. If my CS even had the intention of being unfaithful its still cheating. Even fake online relationships can do damage.

Okay. So, if online cheating is real, because the intention is there, then is an online romance also real, assuming the intention is also there?

I just think the original poster deserved more validation than being told he has nothing to lose because his relationship can't be real. It's at least as real as some of the cyber affairs that have lead so many people to this room.

I think you are comparing two different things ...that's like saying if unicorns aren't real then an online affair with someone you think is a unicorn doesn't count. Infidelity isn't about the relationship with the OP - its about the betrayal in the committed relationship.

I sort of agree with you fiber but it is true that in person takes it to a much higher level. tons and tons higher. I had both kinds of A's and I didn't really consider the cyber ones real (until after Dday when I started reading books and counseling) although I got pretty close to 3 in particular. When Dday came, the cyber ones were very easy to let go of and get over. Not so much with the "in person" OM. Big big big difference. But if all I had done was the cyber guys it would still have been cheating but I know, in our case at least, that it wouldn't have been as huge.

Okay, but why is a cyber affair real but a cyber romance is not? I don't think I'm comparing apples to oranges at all, here.

I don't think a cyber affair is a real relationship, but the unfaithful behavior is real and it affects a real marriage or committed relationship.

In the OP's case, their relationship hasn't proven that it is able to exist in real life, its still in the fantasy online stage. What if they meet and its one of those catfish deals and he's really been talking to a prisoner named Big Ed? Would that be a real relationship?

The feelings may be real, but until it checks out in person the relationship is still a big question mark. It may have potential, but it hasn't been proven.

Whether or not the relationship is proven or committed, this person brought his own, very real experience and feelings for support. I think it's sad that his issues were, basically, dismissed as inconsequential due to the nature of their relationship.

Does your relationship have to look like mine, or operate on the same level, for me to validate your pain or concerns?

You know, a few years ago, I would have said that an online relationship, where you had never met, wasn't real. But I have had to change my stance.

See, I have met some here that I do count as friends. Many people. like Fiber. Like Blind. Most have gone from DS, but I maintain contact with them almost daily. They are as real to me as the friends I have in my day to day life. If they call, or need anything, I come running for them.

That said, I gotta roll with Fiber on this one. Mast, if it's real to you, it's real. Handle as you would in your daily life. Sounds to me like you are a 'giver of second chances,' in your life, so if you feel led to do that, then do it.

Will her past have an impact on her future? If she doesn't deal with it, it will. If she doesn't use it as an excuse, rather, she decides to be better for it, she'll be alright.

How far you decide to go with this? That's up to you.

Wishing you the best, L~