I am so sorry...and please take this the right way...I am glad to see that there are men that feel that marriage is important and would never cheat on their wives. I know how you feel...I just wrote something about this....it is so scary to me to think that I am not feeling good about my self at all since this has happened in return...I don't feel well with sex....I too think of him with her and everything he wrote to them and what they wrote back. I just can't get into it because I feel like I am waiting to have another bomb dropped on me....so with that being said...now I have to worry if he is going to go find it because he is not getting it as much. I hate that he put me in this position. I hate feeling like I am not good enough and I hate that they just get to say I'm sorry - even if they feel guilty...still is nothing like the PAIN I FEEL!
Hang in there....you are worth being happy....you are a great man for loving your wife and not cheating on her. There needs to be more like you! :)

The A took away my sense of security with him, feeling cherished, trust, I also find that when I wake up I'm already anxious. I can say that we're doing well but there are so many times that I am faking my smile.

mommy it's the same with my now ex, he is suffering. he moved back with his parents, has disasters at work cause of the OW, depression over what he did and guilt. throwing away a good girl like me has NOW destroyed him for a while...

Exactly, sydney. We might not even "see" it, but I know for damn sure I am too good for him, and it's his loss. But it's cool...life's to too short to spend on someone you can't trust. I wish the best for you!

Remember the movie Gerry Maguire where he tells Dorothy...."You complete me."? We are still together, but I no longer feel "whole."

He took away my ability to trust anyone. Everyone and everything is suspicious to me now. Because he would take my daughter with him to see the OW and the new baby, I now can no longer trust my daughter either. So he has ruined our marriage, my ability to trust, and my relationship with my daughter.

We used to have no arguements about anything. Things at home were always so calm. Now, after all of the arguements (that we tried to keep away from our children, especially our son) my 8 year old son goes into a panic/anxiety mode if he hears anyone using a loud voice or speaking in an angry manner. This is really hard to deal with as a mother. My son is burying his head in my arm pit even if people on TV are shouting at each other.

It has all been very upsetting and deflating. I feel like a balloon that has had all of the air let out.

I no longer take for granted that everything will be OK in our marriage regardless of what life throws at us. Or maybe that's a trust issue.

What the difference between trust and taking something for granted?

I was robbed, but I seem to think of it in terms of what he gave me:
1. The harsh painful reality that I don't have an exclusive marriage, no true love for me.
2. The sense of feeling "dirty".
3. Humiliation
4. Overpowering mistrust for him

I agree with most everything here - I have lost lots. But what most bothers me right now is this. After Christmas, I saw a workmate and we were discussing his new partner. In the midst of the discussion, my workmate says to me how wonderful my husband is, don't let him get away, blah blah blah. You know the drill. Having no clue what my husband has done, his comments were innocent. And I sat there and smiled and said and did the correct things. So what I have I lost? That all-encompassing pride in my husband that he hung the moon and the stars, gave the heavens their light, and the planets their orbits. He was a GOOD man. TRUE. FINE. HONEST. LOYAL. Now, I feel shame for him.

Sometimes I wish I had the words to say.

I just don't today.

L~

"I have climaxed 1 out of 5 times in the past 2 years with her or with anyone else"

Is this a total of once, or a percentage?

Percentage, we were divorced for a year, during that time I dated a couple of women, it was something that I struggled with, and of course it affected those relationships, they felt I didn't desire them, and now that I am remarried with my spouse, she thinks sometimes I don't desire her. To be honest it is not a desire thing, I am human and do have wants and needs, and even through everything that has happened I still find my spouse incredibly attractive. However a hot moment can turn cold in an instant for me on occasion, with thoughts, or her doing something that I wonder if she did with him, etc...

The funny thing is she tells me the same thing, it bothers her that I was with other people while we were single, that is strange for me to comprehend, she left me for someone else, and is upset that I tried to live during the time period that we were apart.

Wow Alexandra, I didn't have the words to say it at the moment but that's EXACTLY how I feel. It's hard not to cry when people tell me how wonderful my H is, he is wonderful in every other way but hardly anyone knows what he's done.

Interesting post!
D-Day for me was Oct 7, 2008. Over 2 years ago and Im still stunned. Like most of us, I never saw it coming. Its been a while since I posted on DS.
Heres what my wonderful, caring, thoughtful, honest, lovely, (stupid, selfish, inappreciative, ungrateful, horny, pathetic) wife took from me, in a nutshell.
My peace of mind, my heart, my dreams, my joy, my happiness, my playfulness, my youthfulness, my dignity, my pride, my strength, my self esteem, my masculinity, my sense of stability and security, my sex life, my respect, the respect of our children, my admiration, my trust, my past, my future
I could go on.
Heres what she gave me:
Anger, jealousy, resentment, suspicion, confusion, disgust, despair, depression, sleep disorder, attention disorder, rage, awful mental images, persistent thoughts of violence (directed at the OM of course), triggers, nausea, exhaustion, numbness, darkness
Good stuff.
Of course she didnt do all of this to me intentionally, and she feels really, really bad about it.
Thanks Sweetie.
No biggieI should be ok in 5 or 10 years.
Right?

I probably won't say anything that hasn't already been said, but for me, he took my trust and sense of security most of all. The weight of this resurfaced just this morning and I sobbed in the shower. I am tired of the periodic hysterical bouts of crying I never experienced before (except when something tragic happened, like a death, or someone else really hurt me). And some part of my love is gone. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I don't think it's the same love I had for him before. I think someone else said her pride in her H was gone. Yeah, I get that. Me, too. He also took my ability to overlook the smaller, less significant things I may have wanted but didn't get. All of those other more important things allowed me to do that. Those things are gone now, too.

Thirty years of what I had always thought were wonderful memories, and turned them all into lies. Memories forever changed to games. Trust....of anyone. Sexual freedom or relaxation. Confidence. Thirty years of time when I might have found someone who appreciated me. Youth. Vigor.