Lately, I've thought about two other points I could have added to this reasons for a CS to confess. Rather than write a fourth article on it, I'll just list them here.

1. CSs say they don't want to tell because it will only hurt their spouse. I've generally responded, "Too late. You've already hurt them when you had the affair. Confessing is the beginning of healing that hurt." Yet, that doesn't sink in. They think as long as the BS is in the dark, he won't have to suffer over the hidden damage to the marriage.

I've said in most cases, this isn't about hurting the BS, it is about not wanting to face the consequences, the shame, and seeing the fullness of the pain they caused manifest itself in their spouse.

I've found the perfect illustration to drive home that point. If a relative called and said that someone close to your spouse had died or come down with terminal cancer, and wanted you to relay that info to her, would you not tell her because you don't want to hurt her?

No? Why the change? Because it is not your fault the loved one died or came down with cancer. It is the CS's responsibility for the bad news when cheating happens, however. Not wanting to tell is more attributed to fear of losing the spouse over it, fear of losing respect and love, fear of self-esteem taking an even bigger hit, avoidance of responsibillity. The don't want to hurt them is a justification because it sounds more selfless than the other reasons. Because if that were the reason, you'd also hide all other bad news that would hurt the spouse whether it was your fault or not.

2. A simple test. If a CS's spouse had cheated on them, would they want their spouse to confess to them or keep them in the dark about it?

My guess is if they are honest, most would say they'd want a confession. A few might honestly want to be kept in the dark and pretend everything is okay, but few people like living a lie. And that is exactly what's happening when a CS tries to hide their affair. It chooses for the BS to live a lie.

Thoughts?